5.30.06

Category: dribblings

i’m going to warn you now, beware of my blog. it’s about to get even more boring and whiney. why? because it’s time for Summertime Paint Monkey.

Monkey Hate Paint.
especially in the summer. it just wipes me out.

today i primed the eaves of an old tool shed. i did this soaking wet, while wrestling two ladders (one to stand on, one to hold the paint tray because the other ladder is retarded and doesn’t have a tray holder), while swatting at bees, wasps, that other flying thing that’s black and white (what is that?), while killing spiders and ants, and let’s not forget the parts where i screamed like a girl and ran away from those vile, sneaky, glossy, red, awkward, disgusting motherfucking palmetto bugs.

for those of you who don’t live in the south, that’s a cockroach. and? they pronounce it pahmetta. the south kills me sometimes.
anyway.
there was some tar paper (roofing paper?) nailed to the back of this shed i’m going to paint, and the paper was all gross and ripped and who the hell tacks up fucking tar paper on the back of the shed anyway? don’t get me wrong, i get it, it’s supposed to “protect” the shed from wetness and gross leaves and pine straw. yes. but also? they make rakes.

to everyone with a shed:
RAKE BEHIND YOUR FUCKING SHED AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR OKAY?
JUST DO IT, YOU LAZY DOUCHE BAGS.
oh, and while i have your attention, KEEP THE IVY OFF THE SIDES OF EVERYTHING YOU OWN OKAY? I’M TALKING YOUR HOUSE, YOUR SHED, YOUR CARPORT, WHATEVER. because those vine roots? do not come off. not even with the pressure-washer. and you don’t have enough money to pay me to sand down each one so that your laziness doesn’t look ugly on your siding. bitches!

so as you can imagine, every time i ripped more of the paper off…these bright red roaches would come scattering out. and it wouldn’t be so bad if they wouldn’t come running out AT ME. but for some reason they run at me. i guess a signal goes to their brain: DANGER. RUN AWKWARDLY TOWARD THE SCREAMING GIRL. SHE HAS CANDY AND SEX TOYS FOR YOU.

i’m sure if anyone was watching they got a few chuckles at me flailing out from behind the shed all,
“AIEEEEEE!!! GAHBLAHLEELEELEESHIIIIIIT!”

gosh, it was just more fun than human beings should be allowed to have.

Monkey Hate Summer.

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