Games of Thrones season 3 eps 3 and 4

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SPOLIERS ARE COMING, so don’t read this if you’re a big baby about that kind of thing.

Okay I’m two posts behind and I can’t remember anything about the episodes cos it’s been a week since I watched them. But here’s the thing, the ONLY thing I care about is the dragons.

When Jon Snow got captured by the secretary maid from Downton I thought that would be the end of the Night’s Watch storyline. I was wrong. They keep going back to that. And NO ONE CARES. Except, okay, when they finally, FINALLY, FINALLY TIMES TEN killed The Incest Polygamist, how satisfying was that? But then they started fighting each other? And I’m like, maybe they’ll ALL die from infection now.

Okay now, The Weasel got captured by I-Don’t-Know-Who and is being tortured for I-Don’t-Know-What. I’m fine with that. THEN some one rescues him and takes him all around these woods and is real cagey, right? So I was all, “Wouldn’t it be hilare if this whole time that guy is just taking him in a big circle?”

NAILED IT!

The Weasel got weaseled! He was due. But also, did his arms get more muscle-y? I think he’s been working out.

Now, let’s talk about dragons. When Dragon Lady was all, “I need an army so I’ll take 8,000 of those quiet soldiers and I’ll trade you one of my dragons.” I was all, “SAY WHAT?!” Cos let’s be real, SHE CAN’T TRADE HER DRAGONS. That’s against the rules or something isn’t it? Plus the army salesman was such a jerk and I was thinking all, “Wouldn’t it be hilare if she knew exactly what he was saying this whole time and didn’t need Sporty Spice to translate the closed captioning for her?”

NAILED IT.

But c’mon, everyone saw that one coming, right? And the dragon trade? We all knew that wouldn’t go down. they only thing we need to worry about now is how that trick is going to feed 8,000 quiet soldiers. I mean, those guys are buff so they’re gonna need hella calories, right?

As for Arya and the Robin Hood gang with the capturing of the Hound? I. Don’t. Care.
GET ON WITH IT.

Little Finger – what a creep, I don’t care about his storyline, mostly cos Sansa is in it. Done with her.

Joffery – Still not dead yet.

Marjorie – Joffery’s new wife-to-be. She’s one to watch. She’s a sneak, but a good sneak? Maybe? She will turn out to be horrible, I’m sure. EVERYONE IS.

Cersei shit-smeller/World’s Worst Father/Dwarf story hasn’t moved in ages. Where’s it going? Apparently nowhere. At least, it’s not moving out of the “Thinkin’ Room” or whatever you call that room where all the plotting happens.

Oh! But! I DO love the new Dowager Countess of Westeros. I don’t know her name. Marjorie’s grandma. SHE is a breath of fresh air. It’s like they told Diana Rigg, “Wear this huge dumb dress and head gear, and pretend you’re Katherine Hepburn pretending to be Eleanor of Aquitaine in Lion in Winter, m’kay?”
And she was all, “I’m on it!”
And we are all, “THANK GOD.”

I know you’re wondering, “But Jaimie, what about Jamie Lannister?”
And my response would be, “Who?”
And you’d say, “You know, Shit-smeller’s  incest brother?”
Oh yeah! He and Tilda Swinton are in a helluva mess aren’t they? When he saved her from being raped I was all, “Wow, unexpected.” but then? What had-happened next? EVEN MORE UNEXPECTED. That was a HANDY plot twist. Remember when he was the king’s HAND? (Anyway, I’ve a cold and on cough sizzurp, so my jokes aren’t great. Not that I’ve ever needed an excuse to make poor jokes.)
I can’t see where their story is going AT ALL, but I am still interested in it.

As for the teen squire with the huge dong?
Good for him.

 

 

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