Creativity is hard.

Category: dribblings

It’s difficult to be creative. What I mean is if you are a creative person it can be difficult-

Scratch that. What I mean is that I often find being creative to be a burden. I don’t know why exactly. Part of it is that I think I was born with an extra helping of Protestant Work Ethic. It’s ingrained in me. Work! Work, work, work!

Work = Life

Work = Good

Work = Winning

Are you working? Yes. Good!

Are you working? No. Then go to work.

I have no idea where this comes from. Like I said, I think I was born this way. My brother, not so much. (Hi Justin! Love you!)

So sometimes working on a bit of artwork feels frivolous. Like it’s not a real job, it’s taking up my time, and I should be doing laundry and sweeping since it’s my day off. As though laundry and dish washing are more worthy things to work on. I’m trying to break this way of thinking. In January I bought a small Moleskine sketch book, and I’ve tried to make something in it at least once a week. (Hello, work ethic. See? Even my hobbies are structured.)
This was difficult at first because I usually work on large canvases or large sketch books. Working on a small scale feels so constrictive and frustrating. But I’m getting there. I’ve made a few things that really make me happy, they feel like completed pieces.

***

Another frustrating part is that growing up I was pretty good at drawing.  So I went to art school. If you’re the artsy one you get asked to do all the stupid shit that non-artsy people need done.

“Hey, the church needs a banner lettered. You’re the artist!”

“My kid has to do a map for school. Can you do it?”

“I need a cartoon for a newsletter, you’re an artist, just do up something funny, okay?”

“Can you paint a Spiderman on my son’s wall?”

The examples could go on. I’m sure if you’re the artist in your fam/group/clan/job that you’ve been asked the same things. These are soul-crushing things. These things make me want to hide my ability. They make me want to fade into the background, forget I’m creative, just hide it away.

***

I went to art school but never wanted a career in art. I even majored in painting. That’s like majoring in uselessness. (Don’t start with me, I’m joking. Mostly. Shut up.) But I find value in my art education all the time. I tell people that art school is basically creative problem solving. (I also tell people to go to trade school and learn how to fix air conditioners.) But if you have a problem I suggest getting an artist to look at it. I mean, also a specialist. If you have a plumbing problem call a plumber. But creative problems are an artist’s specialty.
I felt (and still feel) that as an artist/creative person, I can do any job (barring serious medical stuff. Plus I’m kinda queasy around blood.) just show me the job then leave me alone, and boom, job done.

I’ve been really blessed cos even though I don’t want to be a full-time artist, I still get to be creative at my library job. But I also have the feeling that no matter what job I work I would probably end up doing something creative. I doubt I could help it.

And that’s another problem. I can’t turn off my brain.

***

I’m always noticing things. Everything. Textures. Colors. Light. Music. Lyrics. Mouths. Teeth. Smells. Sounds. Birds. Fucking birds. They are EVERYWHERE chirping, tweeting. Absences. Negatives. Shadows. Signs. Words. So many words. Flickering fluorescent lights (the asshole of the lighting world.)
Everything reminds me of everything else. It’s ridiculous.
So if you’re talking to me and I look like I’m distracted, I am, cos the light is reflecting off every shiny surface and that shadow is hilarious, and you just said, “The boss is after you.” so now in my head I’m singing Duran Duran all, “I’m on the hunt. I’m! af! ter! you!” and that book cover over there has the most amazing shade of green-blue or is it blue-green? I can hear the aquarium running so it probably needs more water in it.
And you say, “Jaimie, have you heard anything I just said?”
And I say, “Yes. I got it. No problem. And I’m *singing* HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF! */singing* So Imma take my lunch break now.”

 

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