12.28.05

Category: dribblings

poor dad. today at work he found a corpse.

LUCKY!

and for those of you just tuning in, my dad does not work in any kind of medical capacity. it’s the first dead person he’s found since he started working there. of course, he called me. and for the record, yes, my dad and i are horrible people.

me: hello?
popsicle: well, you missed all the excitement.
me: oh yeah? did someone bring cake or something?
p: nope. i found a corpse.
m: oh dad! oh no. man, i’m so sorry.
p: yeah.
m: oh man. that’s a bad day. how are you doing?
p: i’m okay. it wasn’t bloody or anything.
m: who was it?
p: it was Darth Vader.
m: NO WAY! oh geez. and i just totally made fun of that guy on the internet the other day.
p: you did?
m: yeah. remember his necklace and his gaping NECKHOLE two weeks ago?
p: oh yeah.
m: oh, and i think i told Dante what a horrible person that guy was.
P: yeah i know. i mean on one hand, dead, but on the other hand…the guy was mean. in fact, his old lady kicked him out on monday.
m: no kidding? she finally had enough.
p: yeah, she even had me change the locks out.
m: wow, that’s hardcore, especially seeing as how he was 90. oh! do you think he killed himself?!
p: the coroner seemed to think it was a heart attack.
m: so he did die of a broken heart!

i was going to swing by mom and dad’s house on the way home from work to have a beer with dad and to find out all the gory details, but i had to work late and didn’t have any time. but i did call him when i got home:

mom: hello?
me: hi mom, how’s it going?
mom: oh fine, i didn’t find any dead people today so it was a pretty good day.
me: yeah me too. listen, is dad around? i wanted to make fun of him.
mom: oh okay! here he is.

dad: yello?
me: hey dad! whatcha doin’?
dad: oh, just watching some tv.
me: well, i was just wondering what you were having for dead guy… i mean dinner.

he, of course, lost it. completely. he laughed so hard he was wheezing. then he was all, “thanks a lot! i hadn’t thought of it for like, at least an hour.”

a couple hours later i get a voicemail from mom: *whispers* psst. jaimie. your father sees dead people.

the pickle family, we are sickies, no?

***

if i had finished all the books i had started, i’d have managed to read more than 50 books this year:

– 1984 by Orwell. i am loving this book. i just don’t want to read anymore.

– House of Leaves i was rereading this one. taking awesome notes on it. but i stayed away from it too long and every time i try to pick up where i left off i get too confused.

– Silent Confessions by Julie Kenner. i loved her Carpe Demon book so much i thought i’d give one of her romance novels a try. holy smokes. it is porn. i mean, it’s awful. it’s so shitty that i can’t believe that the same person wrote both books. i cannot stress enough how pornographic and unreadable this tripe was. i made it to page 122, and i couldn’t go on. besides it was so totally obvious that the brother was the one killing the people. wait let me check the last page…yes, it was the brother. GAH! you couldn’t even fake me out? YOU SUCK. ALSO? YOU WRITE PORN. DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHITE YOU WRITE? SHAME! trust me, i wouldn’t have had this reaction if her other book hadn’t been great.

– The Friar and the Cipher this was a nonfiction about Robert Bacon. it was so good, but i couldn’t finish it.

– Courage’s Consort this was the book i lost in b’ham. it wasn’t good, but it was short, so i was hoping to finish it.

– another Anita Blake novel. it sucked so bad i can’t even remember which suck-filled book it was. something about a butterfly, maybe?

– The Fran Lebowitz Reader i don’t know why i didn’t finish this one, it is so funny. she is funny.

– Make Love… the Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell. hm. i love Bruce Campbell, but this book was mostly eh, which is why i didn’t finish it. it was a very creative book though.

do audiobooks count? because i “read” two audiobooks:
Word by Word by Anne Lamott
The Funny Thing is… by Ellen Degeneres
actually, i “read” them both twice because they’re on my iPod and sometimes when i get sick of my music i think, “hey, let’s listen to Anne Lamott talk about writing.”

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