11.16.05

Category: dribblings

i’m listening to my new Fiona Apple CD a la Tami Sparks as i type this trash. it’s really cool. it reminds me of Poe. not the author.

today i got my hair cut and dyed (just brown. nothing fun. well, covering up my grey is kinda fun. i guess.) and like everyone else who goes to a place to get their hair cut, the stylist styled my hair before i left. i have very short hair so the most you can do is spike it up and out and swoop and spike. so when i left i had rock n roll hair. in my paint coveralls. i had to go back to work.

i didn’t want to put my work hat back on because last time i did that after she styled my hair it sounded like velcro when i took off my hat. i guess the hair product is like glue really.

so this time i left it off since when i went back to work i wasn’t going to be painting but instead i was dad’s plumbing assistant at the Holy House.

the old people didn’t recognize me.

and then when they did it was like i had 200 grandma’s oohing and ahhing and “look how pretty she is!” and “you have such darling hair.” and so on and so on. i thanked them because that’s what you do. but at one point i said, “you ladies are making me blush.” ‘cos they wouldn’t stop, and the guy at the front desk was doubled over laughing at me. because i’m sure it looked crazy.

***

overheard at work:
“well, i heard she goes to those wet t-shirt contests.”
“really?”
“and you know what those are.”

the reason that’s so funny is that it was two old, southern biddies talking. so it sounded like “way-it tay-shut cahntayests”.

***

at the hair salon this old lady breezes in with a friend. she sits down and the friend sits down and the lady never stops talking, and i swear it was like Phyllis Diller had just walked in. she immediately tells us that she just came from her doctor, a lady doctor, which i thought meant that her doctor was a female, but no, she meant the gynecologist, and she proceeded to tell us bits of THAT adventure.
“i swear i just walked in and had one leg out of my pants and panties and she did it and that was that. she’s from wis-CAAAN-sin. i showed her a mole that was on my…well, a personal place…and she said that honey, i can take that off right now, and she did! i love her!”

did i laugh out loud?

yes. we all did. it couldn’t be helped. besides, she’s Phyllis Diller, she expects a laugh.

her friend told her she should get her hair cut short and spikey. Ms. Diller replied with, “ROBERTA! you should CUT. YOUR. THROAT. for saying that!”

“skkknt.”

“people would say i was a LESBIAN! and people talk about me enough as it is! oh not like i care. my best friend mark is gay. i love him. i think everyone should have a gay best friend. they are so sweet! and lesbians are okay too. anyone who says otherwise can go to hell.”

“skknnt!”

then they started talking about sex and she said to the stylist, “you sound like my first ex-husband, wait…yeah the first one, he wouldn’t leave me alone! he was a sex MANIAC! i used to HATE sex because of him!”

i was rolling.

then of course came talk about The Change.

“honey, i wouldn’t know about The Change; i was drunk at the time.”

i know that it’s poor taste to laugh at alcoholism, but it was impossible not to laugh.

as soon as she left i said to my stylist, “i am so glad i came to get my hair cut today.”
“isn’t she great?”
“YES! i want to go places with her! i just want to sit and listen to everything she says!”
“i know! she’s been my most loyal customer.”
“no kidding?”
“like clockwork she comes in here every 3 weeks.”
“she’s fantastic. i want all my appointments when she’s here.”

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