1.30.07

Category: dribblings

Dear Internet,

I can’t stress this enough, okay? So listen up. If your pet (dog OR cat OR whatever) gets into rat/mouse poison? Here’s what you do:

TAKE IT TO THE VET, YOU IDIOT. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, AND DO NOT WASTE TIME LOOKING UP HALF-ASSED “REMEDIES” ON THE INTERNET.

A pet is your responsibility. And I know you don’t want to shell out real money on something so dumb as a dumbass animal that ate poison. But the thing is, animals are really dumb and they don’t know any better, just like little kids. And if a kid ate rat poison you wouldn’t stop to search online for dumbass remedies would you? (my father excluded) No. You wouldn’t.

SO TAKE YOUR PETS TO THE VET, YOU FREAKS. AND WHILE YOU’RE THERE GET THEM SPAYED AND NEUTERED. IF YOU’RE NOT AN ANIMAL BREEDER YOUR PET SHOULD NOT HAVE BALLS.

‘s all I’m sayin’.

Love,

Auntie Jaimie

***

my friend suzie and i were joking back and forth about the titles of kid’s books and we particularly made fun of Franklin and Junie B. Jones. and so to give her (and perhaps you) a chuckle, here’s some more titles:

Junie B. Jones Vs. Godzilla
Junie B. Jones’ First Morrissey Album: Nobody Understands How She Feels
Junie B. Jones Sees Dead People…All the Time
Junie B. Jones Fights to Take Prayer Out of Schools
Junie B. Jones and the Planned Parenthood Clinic
Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Junie B. Jones and the Birds
Junie B. Jones and the Pageant: Bulemia Edition

Franklin Gets a Telegram From the War Department
Franklin and the Busted Rubber
Franklin Jacks a Car
Franklin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Franklin Shrugged
Franklin Gets VD

Baby-sitter’s Club: Jessi and the Secret Gambling Addiction
BSC: Stacey Goes to the ER
BSC: Mary Anne and the Asinine Middle School Plot
BSC: Dawn Gets SOOOOOOO Wasted
BSC: Abby is a Jew
BSC: The Crazy Lesbian Experiment
BSC: They Baby-sit Some Kids …or Something

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