9.15.05

Category: dribblings

justin might get to come home tomorrow! he’s been eating, so that’s a good sign. also, he has a fever. please keep praying for the dude.
however, he is in tons pain. tons. and he’s none too happy about it.
i called him tonight.
“justin’s room.”
“hi mom.”
“hi. you want to talk to your brother?”
“yeah.”
“okay hold on….”
“*new yorker accent*yeah, what the fuck you want?”
“justin?”
“yeah, what the fuck? you talkin’ to me?”
“wow, you must be feeling better.”
“*normal voice* no. i’m in horrible pain. i can’t stand it. but i really threw you off didn’t i?”
“you sure did.”
“yeah.”
“so uh, pain huh?”
“my god the pain.”
“well, everyone has been asking about you.”
“oh yeah?”
“yeah, everyone. they all say hi. all of them.”
“oh. well, tell them i’m in terrible pain.”
“okay.”
“that will make them want to buy me stuff.”
“hee. totally. ‘hey how’s your brother?’ ‘oh, he’s in total pain.’ ‘oh that’s a shame. i strangely feel the need to buy him things.'”
“exactly!”
“hee.”
“but tell them to buy good things…no flowers or balloons or shit like that.”
“gotcha.”
“i need like, video games…tell them it makes the pain go away when they buy me games. oh, and shoes. i need new shoes.”

my brother rocks, no?

***

at this office building where i’m working there’s 3 bathrooms. only one of them is usable and i used it twice yesterday. well. this afternoon i have to pee, right? so i walk in the bathroom and turn on the light and approach the tiolet and…

and…

there was something…in the toilet already.

and it’s not what you think. there wasn’t a turd or anything NORMAL like that.

i took one look and calmly walked back out.
but then i was all, did i just see that? what was that? maybe i just imagined it. yeah. that’s it.

so i walked back in and looked and…no. it was still there.
so i did what i usually do when stupid situations occur.
i called laura.
“dude, you would NOT believe what’s in that toilet.”
“ew, what?”
“i don’t know.”
“huh?”
“if i had to guess…i’d say someone snuck in and gave birth in the toilet and took the baby.”
“oh! ew!”
“i know. it’s really horrible. i don’t know what it is.”
“the afterbirth?”
“hee. yeah, but really…there isn’t a…uh, organic smell going on in there. so i guess it can’t be too bad, whatever it is.”
“you need a camera phone.”

and she is so right. other people? other people HAVE camera phones. other people WANT camera phones. me? i actually NEED a camera phone. because that toilet either
A. miscarried or
B. has ebola.

***

over the weekend jimmy had the hiccups. laura, they are JUST LIKE YOURS. the weird thing? i NEVER KNEW THAT because i have NEVER been with him when he’s had the hiccups.

WHAT?!

I KNOW!

“jimmy! those are ridiculous!”

“*HRRALC* i know!”

“oh my gosh! you’ve never hiccuped around me before! how is this possible?!”

“*HRRALC* jaimie, i can’t *HRRALC* remember the last *HRRALC* time i’ve had the hicRALCcups hiccups.”

“really? it’s been years?”

“uh RALC huh.”

“that is crazy.”

“how often HICRALP do you get them?”

“oh like twice a month or something.”

“really?”

“oh yeah, i’m bad about swallowing a drink and breathing at the same time. so i get them a lot. but they don’t sound like yours. i don’t think they are as violent.”

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