8.08.05

Category: dribblings

Dear August,

So. It’s come to this, has it? I always thought January was pretty bad, but this year? Other than a few medical bills…January was a peach. This year you win. I mean, this first week alone has been quite the pain in my neck…and throat. What’s the deal? Are you tired of being the Month That No One Cares About? ‘Cos if you think about it, other than a few birthdays and an anniversary or two…you’re nothing.

Nothing! You hear?! Nothing!

Summertime comes along and everyone loves June and July and no one gives two shits about you. Look, it’s always been this way. So why are you bitchin’ about it now? Why you gotta be all, “HAHA! I’M AUGUST! You won’t forget ME any time soon! TAKE THAT!”

You aren’t going to win any popularity points with that attitude. And people remember stuff like that too. So don’t think that this year you can be a big ol’ bitchy she-bear and next year you can be a snuggly kitten because, no. You continue down this road and i’m gonna lobby to have you taken off the calendars.

And why do you have to keep hitting me?! Is this some kind of test? ‘Cos i don’t like tests! Quit testing me! I mean, other than the general madness that abounds in my life, there’s been:
1. that stupid Chuck Palahniuk story
2. i can’t. get. this stupid. pool house. finished!
3. i’ve got crazy people messing with/opening/stealing? my mail. STOP! OR I’LL KILL YOU.
4. the several days that i’ve worked through lunch, without lunch, and late, and STILL didn’t get the jobs finished.
5. two words: pool house.
6. there is no stupid fucking number six.
7. the mere thought of Evil Judge Roy “cork soaker” Moore running for governor.
8. finding out that dad is pretty much going to keep working for the Holy House now so i’m stuck painting fucking bullshit houses by myself for the rest of my life.
9. the mockingbird that DIVEBOMBS my head when i mow the lawn. NEAT! that’s JUST WHAT I NEED. i LOVE being a NERVOUS WRECK while controlling a small combustion engine with a spinning blade.
10. dad, going into Panic Mode every time there’s an empty room that needs to be painted at the Holy House and him calling me to see if i CAN FIT IT IN MY SCHEDULE. you know, THE SCHEDULE I MADE LAST WEEK. so now i’ve got to screw someone over (THE POOL HOUSE) (AGAIN) because if i don’t, then dad will paint the room because OH MY SWEET GOD, AN EMPTY ROOM?! AND IT’S ALREADY BEEN RENTED OUT?! and i won’t get any money if dad paints it.

BUT IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO MOVE IN BEFORE SEPTEMBER.

BUT SURE, YES, LET ME REARRANGE MY WHOLE LIFE SO THAT I CAN PAINT A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FOR $120 INSTEAD OF THAT KITCHEN I QUOTED FOR $300. YES. LET ME PUT OFF THAT PESKY $300 JOB.

Then he asks me if I want to take off friday and take his ass up to TN to see my brother’s band play at some bar.
yeah, ‘cos I’ve got oodles of time to burn.
then he acts like i’m the jerk for
A. not being excited at all and
B. for not saying yes.

Thank God mom is taking him.

AND because August goes to eleven. The kicker:
11. I came home today and my air conditioner is broken. So now I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church while typing this. No telling what THIS adventure’s gonna cost.

So, August, if I go ahead and say, “You win,” will you stop shitting all over me? because about the only constructive things I’ve managed to get done so far is get a haircut, buy cat food and litter, and smoke every cigarette in the house. The last one probably being the reason why I have a sore throat.

You win.

Now leave me alone!

Piss Off,
Jaimie Pickle

wow. did you really read this whole BitchFest?

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