the one about the package

Category: weekleez


Liz “it’s just liz” made this gorgeous pic for me
i love it dahling.


tuesday, october 24, 2000

hi kids,

there will be no embarrassing story involving mr bentley this week. not that i don’t have one. i’m just not sharing it this week. but i do have a story for you.

my story is three (3) weeks old. and by that i don’t mean that i’ve been working on it for three (3) weeks, but that this happened three weeks ago. or maybe it was four (4). it is a true story.

i live in an apartment. well, “live” is such loose term. i stay at an apartment. its where most of my stuff is, except my computer which is at my parents house. this works out well tactically because i can go home after work to “check my email” (“check my email” is code for “wonder what mom’s cooking?”).

most of you know that laura “once swallowed a cheshire cat” bentley lives at this apartment as well. this is vital to the story by the way, i’m not rambling or anything. so one day i come home from work and there’s a note on the door. and the note has a message written on it telling me that there is a package at the office that would not fit in our mail box and would you please come get it?

so i took the note off the door and put it on the table so that laura “i actually use the apartment address” bentley would see the note. i do not use the apartment address as my mailing address therefore i knew that the package was not mine. and i was not sure what the protocol was for picking up a package. did they need ID? i don’t know! and it didn’t matter because it wasn’t my package.

next day.
laura saw the note. and she asked, “did you order something?” and i replied, “no. i thought you did.” and she said, “i’m pretty sure i didn’t order anything.” and that’s about as far as we got.

the next next day.
laura says, “i wonder what that package could be?” and i in all my wisdom, “i don’t know, it must be something big though if they couldn’t cram it in the mail box.”

i would like to point out something. i never check the mail. in fact, i don’t even know what the box number is. i’m assuming it would be the same number as our apartment, but i really have no idea. and you want to know why i don’t check the mail? because the box is too high. that’s right, i’m too short to check the mail. i would have to ask some poor shemp who came walking by if they could give me a “boost” so’s that i could reach the box. and that’s why i don’t check the mail. anyway.

the next next next day.
laura calls me at work and asks if i could pick up the package that’s waiting for us at the office because the office is always closed by the time that she gets home from work. and i say, “ok.” but when i hung up the phone i promptly forgot and did not go to the office and pick up our package and instead i went home to “check the email.”

mom had made soup. it was good. mm mm good.

the next next next next day.
but on THIS day i actually remembered. and the reason i remembered was because i felt pretty stupid for forgetting in the first place. but on the fifth (5th) day, i remembered. and so i pulled up into a parking place and started to walk to the office to retrieve our package and then i thought, “oh no. what if i need ID to pick up the package?” you see, they don’t know me, they know laura and if the package was for laura (which it HAD to be since i don’t use that address) and i try to get the package maybe they would have me arrested for trying to steal mail. so i panicked. for a second.

but i am a genius and quickly rebounded. i went to the apartment and got the note that had been taped to the door, which was of course still on the kitchen table where it had been placed four (4) days before. this was also perfect because this way i wouldn’t have to talk to anybody i could just walk into the office and show them the note! HA HA! the day is mine!

so i walk in the office and was immediately threatened by a dachsund. well, not threatened really, more like, it barked at me. but that’s ok because i’m cool with dogs. there was a lady and so i handed the lady the note that had been taped to the door asking us to please come to the office to pick up a package that was too big to fit in the mailbox. she read the note. she then started rooting through a box behind a desk and while she did this i thought to myself, “apparently no ID is necessary to get the mail.”

and she finally finds the package and she smiles and hands me a thin plastic box. i now had the package in my clutches and i looked down to see what was in my hand. i think i looked at the package for probably 10 seconds. i couldn’t believe my eyes. it was one of those annoying AOL CDs. you know, the ones that come in those annoying plastic cases? the ones with the “fast, yet soothing” graphics on the cover of the annoying plastic cases? yeah. you know what i’m talking about. so i look back up at the lady, my panic long forgotten, and i say in an unbelieving tone, “THIS was the package?” and she replied very politely, “yes.”

and i looked back down at the “package” and i wanted so very much to burst into maniacal laughter but instead i looked up at the lady and said, “i really HATE these things.” to which she replied, “me too.”

this is a very important story because it illustrates a point. and the point is very similar to one of those morals that that fable guy used to write. only its not one of HIS fables its more like a fable that his younger brother would have written. sort of like, “when life gives you lemons…throw them away as quickly as possible as a fox may attack you.”

what i mean by that is, sarah “elizabeth” finlayson and the gang will be playing at Big Apple Bagles (rainbow city) this saturday (oct 28) at seven o’ clock (7pm). i’m not sure if it will be all of even so playing or just liz and a few others. it all depends on how the weather is. if its nice out then the whole band will play outside (i think) and if its not nice out then liz and gang of few will play inside. i would also like to remind you that the first friday in november you can hear dog named david play a concert. and liz and gang will also play there as well. so how cool is all that? no really, tell me, how cool is it?

and as i am about to send this i realize that this email gets sent to one of the ladies who works at the office of the apartments where i live/stay. and i’m a little nervous about that.

please, join me next week for pickle’s parafable story thingies.

jaimie “that’s just sour voles” pickle

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