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2.28.05
today jimmy implied that i didn’t have a heart. i told him that i do have a heart but that it’s really small and black and cold. but really he’s the one that doesn’t have a heart because he wasn’t going to share his plate of ketchup and mustard with me. we had corndogs for dinner, and i didn’t see any reason to dirty up two plates when we only needed one plate for k and m. he made the biggest deal out of sharing the plate. i said, “jimmy, if sharing a plate is the most annoying thing that happened to you today, consider yourself blessed.” and if you know us then you know that jimmy doesn’t really think that i’m heartless and you also know that he didn’t really care about sharing the plate. we tease because we love.
i told him my favorite part of the corndog was the mustard. he concurred. he said, “colonel mustard, in the closet, with the candlestick.” and then we laughed because it was so gay.
we are dorks.
***
we went to the picture show this evening. we saw Man of the House. i wanted to see it because on the previews there’s some girl who says, “where’s your happy face?” and TLJ deadpans, “this is my happy face.” and that preview makes me laugh EVERY TIME. it’s the southern accent. it’s like she gives face three syllables. and he gives is two syllables. and if you live in the south you’ve probably heard those words before. the southern accent, she can stretch the words, no?
you might be thinking, “but why is that funny?” well, heck i mean, why is someone getting hit the face with a ball/stick/fish funny? why is a fart noise always funny? why is old ladies telling dirty jokes funny? i don’t have the answers to these questions.
do you know what’s not funny though? getting hit in the face with a ball/stick/whatever. i remember this one time when we were kids we thought we’d be cool and play stick ball. we had a tennis ball and a broomstick. i was the catcher. the thing is, a broomstick is a lot longer than a baseball bat. oh, you knew that? yeah, well, i wasn’t thinking that far ahead at the time. i remember screaming a lot. i just knew that there would be blood pouring out of my ear. no blood though. bonus!
the internet smokes dope and searches for:
cheese sticks
pickle o pete and the jim west boys
central washington university signing
you piss me off e-cards
how to wash your boobs what? they come with instructions?
good luck on first day thanks!
how do you say this man is crazy in spanish este hombre está loco en español. hee.
murder house no mas! no mas!
abused monkeys
fuse disease in cats
cartoon electricians
e-cards for electricians
riverview whore
2.27.05
on saturday a group of students from UAB came up and shot a music video. the band is called Heroic Me and while they’re not my cup of tea, they are very nice people. they used the 417 building. and i was the lucky bastard who had to spend her saturday babysitting the building (a whopping 8 hours of complete boredom and hearing the same song roughly 49 bajillion times). liz came by for a bit. and later on laura and kris came by and brought me crackers and a soda and jimmy brought me a cheeseburger.
it was intersetting to watch the video “process” but also, it’s very boring. though i gotta say, the students and the band and the “extras” (read: moshers) were very polite and they did a good job of cleaning up after themselves. which is important if you’re an old person like me.
***
thanks be to zack attack and kristie for letting me play bass on their worship team. it was good.
mr. finlayson’s message was also good, dare i say, it was hella good.
***
i signed up for the easypay option so my tmobile bill will be paid automagically. the site says it will take two billing cycles before it’s in effect. my question is, “the hell?” it won’t kick in until may. what? i mean, does someone have to type it all out on a typewriter first? then send it to Russia (via tug boat) for verification? and then Russia has to send it back to Tmobileland? but it’s gonna arrive on a friday afternoon, and there’s a long weekend so, they won’t actually look at it until tuesday, and then the dyslexic guy is gonna type my numbers in wrong, so i’ll actually be “lost” for a number of weeks before i call wondering where my bill is and why i no longer have service and the foreign guy on the phone is gonna be all, “jabbajibberjabber please.” and i’ll be all, “why do i do this to myself?” and he’ll be all, “joobahooba payment habbanabba.” and i’ll be all, “why is there a muppet on the phone? may i talk to a manager please?” and he’ll be all, “meesa manager!” and then you’ll read about me in the paper the next day.
weekend reefer log:
evil barbies
la student ran t.v.
workout slut
why am i so hungry night before my period it’s a coping mechanism. you figure that, since you’re going to be miserable and bloated for a few days you might as well scarf every m&m in the city. oh? it’s just me? mmmm, m&ms…
diet soda acetone ah, so you’ve had diet sun drop?
lemony snicket fan club bah. lemony snicket makes me sick.
what is the drug ice i don’t know, but i think it’s crystal meth.
jaimie tattoo back head you must be my number one fan.
won’t fix everything
labled drawing of the super soaker
green paint on walls
pringles devil
mr. pickle doll my dad has an action figure? and i don’t?!
funny looking meat pictures
dirty cork soaker
pictures of british desserts
easy clown kite
drawing fancy letters
superstar popsicle
how does the super soaker work one word: magic
value soda pop bottles
gay baseball players
shaves her head
video games that start with m scream it with me: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!
offensive thank you cards “thanks” a lot, ass.
stork gifts it’s been my experience that storks usually aren’t that appreciative of gifts. so really, don’t bother. i mean, you could try a gift certificate, but they usually screw those up too.
2.25.05
i went to hear liz sing tonight. i love hearing her sing.
also, she has a new admirer. hee.
reefer log:
pickle whore hey!
10 things not to say in bathroom “will you marry me?” for starters.
jokes with a spanish theme
flesh daughter
pete rose restaurant
one day at a time reunion i see i’m not the only lame ass.
reality street on mad tv
codes for fancy letters
short short hair cut latino
world waether
wanted reggie jackson
cat in a bottle japan
what makes people feel sleepy on rainy days
funny city names why, laura was just posting on that very thing.
cow on steroids
me and my big idea rubens
don’t make me get the flying monkeys
odaat reunion
little house on the prarie characters i was drinking when i misspelled that one.
2.24.05
weird thing happened at work today. i was painting in this bedroom (kid’s room) and there’s one wall that has this giant dresser/cabinet/drawers thing built into it. it’s huge. i was painting it and all of a sudden i got really sad and i was all, “why am i sad?” ‘cos it’s not like i was thinking of anything sad, nay, i was jamming to my ipod. then i actually started to cry. and i was all, “wha? tears? the hell? no!” ‘cos i mean, why am i crying, right? why was i sad? i had nothing to be sad about. there was nothing sad in that room, well other than the fact that the people chose to paint it pepto bismol pink.
so i continue to paint this giant dresser thing white and a few minutes after the crying episode (meanwhile my brain is all, “what the hell is the matter with you, jaimie? stop being sad. there is nothing sad! you need to chill out. now!”) i open one of the cabinet doors and written on the inside of the door is, “is anything troubling your mind?”
and i did one of those homer simpson screams, “hah!”
then i painted over it (even though i wasn’t painting the inside of the cabinets). ‘cos it was kind of a weird thing for someone to write on the back of a cabinet door. and it was written in little kid handwriting and i remember thinking that was a strange thing for a little kid to write. still, i had to paint over it. i didn’t want the kid that’s moving into the house to find it.
because, i mean, well…you’d have painted over it too!
all of a sudden, being a housepainter has become stressful. i don’t need this weird crap; i just paint walls. that’s what i love about this job, it’s mindless. now? now it’s all, “if you or anyone you know has any infromation about any of the events shown tonight call 1-800-876-5353.” and i don’t need it.
reefer log:
it’s just one of those songs
pickle drugs
text the best tina turner
buying colombian houses
outside corner crown moulding
when ernie banks was a kid candy bars were a nickel and you could go to the show for a dime all day long.
play i hate your now
how to clean fresh paint from carpet good luck, my friend.
instant lemon pickle instant! lemon! pickle!
good idea gone bad
i dub thee
stork circus
blue books on fire arms
paige lang felt
how bad is acetone depends on what you’re using it for. acetone is actually a good thing sometimes. hell on skin though.
2.23.05
updated 50 Books
i haven’t felt right this week. i’ve been really tired and so damn hungry. after my breakfast? still hungry. after lunch? still hungry. by dinnertime i feel sick though i still eat dinner. and then at sleepy time i’m starving. but i refuse to eat before i go to bed because, hello? i’ve never had to eat a snack before bedtime. that’s weird.
i eat an english muffin for breakfast. it’s always been sufficient. so there’s no way i’m eating TWO of them.
and at lunch? holy cow. i ate a WHOLE CHEESEBURGER the other day. and today? i had a WHOLE SANDWICH. i cannot tell you the last time that happened. i’m usually grossed out by the time i get to the last couple of bites.
and if you haven’t fallen asleep yet my point is…what the hell is going on?
i’m going to blame this on the oil paint that i’ve been dealing with all week.
because it’s either that or i’m pregnant.
hee.
*****
yesterday’s Reefer Log query for “funny baseball player names” got me thinking. were they looking for the names of funny baseball players? or baseball players with funny names?
so while painting at Murder House IV, (no wait, i think it’s V now), while painting at Murder House V i made two mental lists. i share mit you, my baseball friends. at first i typed ‘baseblah friends’. derp.
names of funny baseball players:
casey stengel should be number one i would think, since he is the Clown Prince of Baseball.
yogi berra, obviously.
bob uecker, kind of?
reggie jackson was in The Naked Gun, and that movie was funny.
and i don’t know of any more who are famously funny. sorry.
baseball players with funny names:
mookie wilson
“goose” gossage
“ducky” medwick
yogi, again, obviously
rollie fingers
sammy sosa (it’s just a fun name to say)
manny mota (see above)
“catfish” hunter
thurman munson
derek jeter
randy “the big unit” johnson (for obvious reasons)
honus wagner (c’mon, honus is a funny name)
albert pujols (because the j is pronounced as an h) one hell of a 1st baseman, btw.
that’s all i could think of off the top of my head.
reefer logging:
colombian baby names
150 programs to be cut by president bush’s budget
rickey henderson
stargate james spader
seventh heaven theme song
free werewolf backgrounds laura, they want werewolves.
why do steroids make you sick
unwanted stuff
cal ripken social club
give them a pickle or give them death!
laura ingles
what happens to gatorade when it gets old? hee. this reminded me of, “do you know what happens when a frog is struck by lightning?” or however she said it. worst. line. ever.
pete rose expos he played on that team for part of one season (out of an AMAZING 24 season career.) he played 19 with the reds and 5 with the phillies and yes, i know that adds up to 25.
screwdriver punk
popular nicknames for peanuts
jackson secret room
hell pictures next time i go to Akron i’ll take pictures.
time line of willie mays try here
things to say during sex why? you wanting to rehearse?
2.22.05
i hate to sound like a weenie, but i have a feeling that i’m going to be the one painting the Death Room of the current Murder House job. i know, isn’t it terrible? i mean, some poor soul kills herself and all i can think is, “me. me. me.” i’m a contemptible person. also, you should know this by now.
Dear People Who Are Contemplating Suicide,
DON’T DO IT!
If you must do it, please, have the decency not to do it inside of a building, m’kay? Because first of all, someone’s gotta clean up your fucked up mess. Second of all, people have to go in the room, like, probably a lot. And every time they go in there they get creeped out and think of you. It’s bad enough that you’re so selfish that you had to go and do a stupid thing like kill yourself, but then you leave a gigantic mess and a creepiness behind too? Way to go, Douche Bag. So do everyone a favor and don’t kill yourself inside a building. Or better yet, don’t kill yourself at all. Therapy isn’t so bad.
Love,
Jaimie Pickle
****
i flipped between Veronica Mars and the One Day At A Time reunion special. if i am hip and lame at the same time do they cancel each other out? if so, what is left? probably mostly lame, because i enjoyed the reunion special more than VM. i am sorry. it’s just, i watched ODAAT everyday before school my junior and senior years of high school. it’s E!’s fault. i’ve only seen one ep of Veronica Mars. and i just, well, i didn’t know any of the characters. there’s veronica and a girl and a black dude and some guy and veronica’s dad? and some other people? and none of them had a name. my bad.
but barbara and julie and ms. romano and schnieder, i know.
****
lots of action outside of the duplex tonight. two cats having catfightsex. a black and white cat and an orange type cat. they were howling something awful. Toonces Whorecat was looking out the window and saying, “please mom? please can i go out and play?” and i was all, “no, you may not.”
finally i went outside and was all, “argh!” but they just stood there looking at me all, “is that all you got, ho?” so i was all, “get off the lawn!” and threw a beer at them (because it was in my hand and there’s no rocks or sticks in my yard, okay?). they scattered. Debbie Dog barked forever.
i threw a beer at cats.
i might as well throw up some spinning, blinking rebel flag .gifs and put SKYNYRD RULZ!!!1!! at the top.
wooooohoo! y’all like ’em danged ol’ cat stories, doncha? sheeeeyit.
reefer log of horrors:
how tall is tina turner 9 ft.
funniest thing i have ever seen
fiber optics music
dead pickle
super soaker douche
flying monkey right
funny baseball player names
willie mays
looking up hard stuff from internet
electro torture
george bush funny reefer
cute bee drawing
create a ride old school
how great thou art spanish heeeeeeeeeeee
how to strip paint with soy i have never heard of that
creepy car commercial
laura ingles wilder
ruben sandwich
paper dolls heaven where all the tabs are folded perfectly
why do people think that smoking is cool it is a proven fact that smoking is not cool. but smokers are.
webster’s dictionary of slang
skeletor social security i’d love to know what this one’s about
monkey smells finger eh, know what that one’s about
sour kraut yay! another one of my horrible misspellings come back to haunt me! it’s sauer kraut.
barbies pet shop.com
rotten food science fair info for kids
my bag slang
gay hockey movies oh how funny is this one?
street drug ice stomach pain and how not funny is this one?
2.21.05
rainy days and mondays always bring me down.
today was both. piss.
was today not the longest day? i spent the morning in a hall painting baseboards and crown moulding and doorways. oh, and the hallway? smelled like pee. so not only am i mere feet away from the Death Room (which has it’s own Fun Ambience) but i’m in Piss Hall as well. the let’s add Wasps of Doom that keep flying in the window. the window is open because i’m painting with oil based paint. and if you know me, and you probably do, or even if you don’t know me, you could probably guess, i hate oil based paint.
it’s sticky and the fumes and it doesn’t come off my hands, arms, and face without acetone or paint thinner, neither of which i like to put on my skin.
after lunch i was still in Piss Hall and dad was in a bedroom off of Piss Hall and he was saying, “gosh, it’s hot up here.” and i was all, “hm. yeah.” and he said, “no i mean, it’s REALLY hot. i’m totally sweating.” so i look over to say something like, it’s not that hot in here and KAPOW dad is painting the bedroom ceiling in his shirt and underpants.
i laughed like a crazy monkey hyena hybrid and then screamed, “DAD! FOR THE LOVE! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!” and he’s all, “hm? what? it’s so hot in here.” all nonchalant.
he thought that was the funniest thing.
eventually he put his pants back on.
why did he do that?
well, we watched Mad TV during lunch and there was a sketch where a dad comes downstairs and interrupts his daughter’s date talking about how hot it is, and he’s in his underpants. we thought it was a funny sketch. dad always takes things to that next, awful, terrible step.
****
this evening jimmy and i went out to eat with his parents. then we stopped over at my parents house to play with their new puppy! they finally found one to replace poor Scabies. jimmy and i babysat the puppy while dad went to take a shower.
so jimmy and i were watching some comedians on Comedy Central and dad comes out holding a beer and only wearing his underpants.
it’s a good thing that jimmy and i have been together for so long.
so, is anyone else’s dad way too comfortable in their underpants? is it just mine?
reefer log:
dirt
funny but stupid stuff
jimmy mattingly dr pepper
pickle e cards what a great idea! i need my own e-cards.
laura bush’s took drugs
asia pee
jackie robinson’s games
doing unwanted stuff with your f*cking d*ck i wouldn’t have posted this one, but “unwanted”? weird.
chinese painting cork
yogi berra
satchel paige
laura bush hair cut
breaker box
barbies boobs are plastic
tattoos of electricians whafah?
sugar stomach pain
2.20.05
so after church this evening i invite liz to come ovr and eat dinner with mr. fleegan and me. and let me just go ahead and mention that liz and i shared a bottle of red, m’kay? so if i start to misspell tons of words know that i’m not using the backspace button for coreetcions.
soi anyway we wre going to have muffulettas at first. and then i changed my mind to rubens, man there is nothing llike an awesome ruben sandwich, right? when the cheese is melty? and ypou’ve got just enough sour kraut? oh man. i wich wee had opted for rubens.
so jimmy an i go the store and we buy a frozen pizza.
lemme just say that i am not a fan of frozen pizza and i rarely eat it.
so we come home and cook thie frozen pizza, in fact, it’s the first frozen pizza i’ve ever cooked in my oven (unless you count the time that liznchris came over and cooked a frozen pzza in my oven ‘cos they didn’t have an oven yet. but i dont; count that. because i was not incharge of cooking it.)
so liz come over and we drink wine and eat cheese sticks (oh yeah! we had cheese sticks for a um, i can’t thisnk of the word . the part before dinner? not snack, but like a snakc. befroe dinner snakc. what the hell is that word?) so we eat cheese sticks and wine and then thie pizza is ready and jimmy is having liek, the hardest time cutting the damn pizza dna i say to liz, some thing like, “pardon jimm’y s cutting skillz. we never have frzen pizza.” and she’a all, :”really?” ;cos i guess frozen pizza is really popular sometimes.
andyway long story short: we cooked the mother farking pizza with the damned cardboard on the bottom. apprently there’s a damn piece of cardfuckingboard under the pizza. myfucking bad. okaY?
pizza is ruined but liz and i eat part of it anyway becaise hello> so hungry.
so anyway eventually we atarts talking about movies and actorand actresses. i should say that jimmy and liz talking of thiese things because i am not good at remembering people in movies. at one point we were trying to think of some lady in sme movie with James Spader and i say, “Stargate!” and liz says, “no. not that movie,\.”
but then jimmy is talking about some girlk in something and he;s like, “she’s in that movie with liv tyler.” and i say, “epic records!”
and liz says, “Empire Records.” becauise her rememory is awesome.
so jimmy is like, “yeah, who’s that girl?”
amd i’m all, “yeah, she keeps trying to kill herself?”
and they’re all, “yeah.”
and jimmy says, “debi mazer was in that movie, at like, the end.”
and i’m all, “and then she shaves her head!”
and liz is all, “debi mazer was in that?”
and i’m all. “who is debi mazeR?”
anmd they’re all, ::”who was that girl?!”
so we look on the enfaous imdb.com and find out that the girl that THEY were thnking of is robin tunney and i’m all, “who?”
but then they look up debi mazer and there’s a pitcure and i’m, all, “i know her! she plays a bad guy in something!”
and they say, “are you sure?”
“no. wait, she’s a slut in something! i nkow! know! i know! i know! don’t tell me! it’s it’s it;s!….oh YEAH! she’s Sandy the Whore form Goodfellas.” and sure enough they look up her movies and BLAMM …Sandy.
TATDOW! meanwhile, they have talkied about half a million acrtesses. but we’re looking at ms. mazer’s list of crap she;s been in and i’ll be darned, she was an ep of Seventh Heaven. hee. so i say, “hey, the oldest daugher had her baby.” and liz says, “what?” and i’m all, “yeah, she’s a priest now, and she had her baby.” and liz says, “didn;t she marry a jew?” and i say, “i have no idea, but i know she had her baby, on like, an elevator or somthing.”
“what about the brother?”
“i have no idea. which one?”
“luke? matt?”
“hmm. i dunno. the young one?”
“i guess.”
“you know, i thought he was Legolas.”
“bahahahahahah! so do you watch that shoW?”
amd oi say, “hell no. i know as much about that show as i do little House on the Prarie. i now there was Laura Ingels and then she was Laura Ingles Wilder. that’s it.”
“yeah, that’s right she became Laura Ingels Wilder.”
“yeah and there was a blind girl.”
“yeah her name was…”
“and the mean girl with the blonde hair! molly!”
“molly? no…what was her name?”
“mary ann! molly! sadie!”
“no what was it?”
“why can’t i remember this? we have this conversation once a year.”
“i know! we do!”
“NELLY!”
“NELLY! hey what was that other michael landon tv show?”
“Highway to Heavne.”
“that’s right! man you’re good.”
“i know, aske me another michael landon quentsion.”
“hee.”
“what was his first movie? I was a Teenage Werewolf. a wealth of information.”
“i thought that was michael j. fox.”
“no no, i’m talking about the one from like, the ’60s.”
“oh.”
and then sometime during all of that liz’s parents called needing directions on how to get from Panama City to New Orleans.
i tell you, we sure kjnow how to have fun.
weekend reefer log (and boy, is it a doozy):
devil’s from hell pictures
creepy pringles commercial
women of japan
picture of a broken down refrigerator
what kind of work did babe ruth do seriously? what? even laura knows that.
sex and boobs and codes oh my!
dork pictures
what jackie robinson does does…when? where? wear?
no meat on lent day
an old irish saying death is not something
hospital bill for having a baby
robin yount
paint on clothes you mean, like, getting paint on your clothes? or like, painting clothes on your body?
wood load charts
commercials condom
slang for mustache
laura’s hardcore movie links oh, that laura.
bullet tattoo designs
talkin computer buddy
ozzie smith proof card
how to become a contortionist
shower sex games i’m usually drinking in the shower so…
file does not exist virus
sex with toilet paper dolls i have no idea.
dork
kite in a tree
say pickle
white trash biker
moth ball smells
sickness and get well jokes
children’s car cakes
japan ness knife
what are some nicknames that mean crazy
funny resume
signed ernie banks card i wish
hockey computer backgrounds
spanish nicknames for women
mike and his f*cking dogs suck d*ck for the circus oh. man. that is crazy.
sure shot douche heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
laura bush colonics
tony gwynn
cat sick
rays fuse
was lou gehrig parents white or black i’m gonna go ‘white’ on this one.
songs about diarrhea
listen to homerun calls
old breaker box switches
jose canseco on montreal expos
drill me
2.18.05
to the 200+ people looking up the song from the diet cherry vanilla dr pepper commercial:
go here.
i had not seen the commercial so i had no idea what the heck you were searching for. now that i know, well, i can’t blame you for wanting that song. for the last 10 years jimmy has been singing that song. and i didn’t know what it was called. and everytime i asked him about it he’d be all, “i dunno what it’s called.”
“yeah, but where is it from? why do i know that song?”
“i can’t remember. it’s just one of those songs.”
we’ve had that conversation a million times.
THANK THE SWEET LORD THE MYSTERY IS AT LAST SOLVED. THERE ARE NO MORE SECRETS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. IS IT NO WONDER THAT WE BOTH GREW UP WATCHING THE MUPPET SHOW?
***
here’s something to ponder: the New York Yankees’ pitching rotation (5 dudes) is “worth” $67.2 million. ho.lee.cow. if only we could harness this power for good. Mussina alone is getting $19 mil. i’d be all, “sure, you can have $19 million dollars this year. but only if you win every game. deal?”
***
the Paint Monkey is working at an empty old house now. it’s huge. 3 stories. there’s a secret room. it’s super weird. the walls of the room are covered in green felt, and there’s gold hooks all over the walls. there used to be many, many, many handguns on the hooks because you can see all the outlines on the felt. so many handguns. it’s a creepy room, and i hate it.
i said, “this house is weird. i hate this house.”
Popsicle said, “the girl used one of the guns that was in here to kill herself.”
“what?! when?! what?!”
“remember? last year was it? that girl shot herself?”
“oh. wait. the high school kid?”
“yeah.”
“oh my god. she lived here?”
“yeah. i guess that’s why they sold the place.”
“geez, that was a sad thing. and also? i cannot believe our luck with Murder Houses.”
“well, technically it’s not murder.”
“oh you know what i mean.”
“yeah.”
“she didn’t shoot herself in this gun room did she?”
“i don’t think so.”
“oh hell. i bet it’s the room where the carpet has been mysteriously removed.”
“hm. you might be right.”
“we’re not painting the Sinister Secret Gun Room are we?”
“they didn’t mention it.”
“good. i don’t want to come back in here.”
reefer log:
pickle’s blog
watch my belly grow
hair cut curly hair dude
teammates to hit 400 homeruns each according to this site only 38 players have hit 400 or more homeruns. i have no idea if any of those guys were teammates when they hit their 400th homerun or not. i’m thinking not. because i’m pretty sure Canseco and McGwire were on different teams by then.
what can i eat if i have a stomach virus wow. you want to eat? i’d try some Saltines and Gatorade.
team pictures montreal expos haven’t you heard? they don’t exist anymore.
laura’s sex links i knew it!
workout room designs
al kaline
canseco strange no, canseco idiot
cat pee
latino bitch should this be ‘latina bitch’?
willie mays
dork pictures
hello kitty tattoo
ozzie smith children
chinese war games
start of the pickle
funniest voicemail message mine’s kinda funny, but i wouldn’t say it’s the funniest. i do talk in a silly voice though.
black history reggie jackson
dude pickle
colombian dresses
football gerbil
2.17.05
reefer log:
loretta lynn on drugs
dirty old man
pringles commercial
when were cookies invented i dunno, but they were probably invented by the Dutch. they invented everything.
hello kitty giving the finger SyKo, was this you?
how does a douche bag look like
pickle lamp
susanna pickle O! Susanna!
english games for 5 year olds the english do not have games for children
funny things to say in a bathroom “i’d like to make a large deposit.”
killer barbies down the street
hottie pickle
loretta lynn racist *gasp* no!
reggie jackson Mr. October!
offensive cards pickle
picture of colonics in a person no way. you’re on your own.
pictures of ernie banks try here
cork soaker
super boobs
funniest mustache jokes
mean names to call someone uh, cork soaker, douche bag, vomit-eating puss bag, chuckle head
jose canseco baseball cards value steroids
what are some nicknames for gramma i called mine Goony. Laura calls hers GJ.
jose canseco insane preaching to the choir.
wastebaskets
speaking of wastebaskets, GARBAGE DAY!!!! O, Holy Thursday. I offer up my meager rubbish which consists mainly of old soy milk and coffee grounds. Bless you, Garbage Man.
***
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE CANCELED HOCKEY. my disbelief is worthy of caps lock. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? Y’ALL, IF THEY CAN’T “FIX” HOCKEY, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO “FIX” IRAQ?
can’t we all just get along?
NOT WHEN THERE’S MONEY INVOLVED.
2.16.05
IT’S OFFICIAL. JOSE CANSECO IS INSANE.
Dear Jose Canseco,
Look, no one believes a word you say. Also, you’re coming off as a desperate ass hat. And sorta gay, what with the supposed shooting steroids into your teammates’ asses. Baseball is not homo-erotic; football yes, baseball no. To further your sadness you keep holding on to the past saying you were the best baseball player in the ’80s. The thing is, i was there in the ’80s, m’kay? And honestly, you were overrated. There were much more solid players than you. Robin Yount, Vince Coleman, Don Mattingly, Wade Boggs, Tony Gwynn, Rickey Henderson, Mike Schmidt, Ryne Sandberg, Ozzie Smith, Cal Ripken Jr., Eddie Murray, George Brett just to name an even dozen.
And i know that you “invented” the 40/40 club with your 40 homeruns and 40 stolen bases. And i know that you’ve hit well over 400 homeruns in your career. But also? You were on steroids. And that? Is called cheating. So really, your numbers mean nothing. Because they are tainted with performance enhancing drugs. You are a disgrace to the sport of baseball. You should publicly apologize to the sport, the fans, the people you’ve probably slandered, and your 1989 Championship Team.
And oh, you’re gonna play the race card? Maybe you should think twice about that, huh champ? You were making $4 million a year back then. Perhaps now would be a good time to apologize to Jackie Robinson, Satchel Paige, Roy Campanella etc. for your being a BIG FUCKING BABY. From now on i dub thee Jose “The Douche Bag” Canseco.
Don’t get me wrong, i know why you wrote the book. You’re no longer a superstar. You aren’t popular anymore. Plus, you’re probably hung like a gerbil now. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOUR SHRUNKEN TOOL, YOU VOMIT-EATING PUSS BAG. Trust me, i get it. You ran out of money, you’re not having sex, and you’re really angry. You might even say you’re raging. That’s because you’re on steroids, you fucking twit.
i would rather have a flesh-eating disease than read your book of cat sick.
Jose Canseco, you are dead to baseball. You hear me?! Dead.
Love,
Jaimie Pickle
2.15.05
new weekly
updated 50books
i would just like to take a moment here to point out that i am psychic. I KNEW LORETTA LYNN WOULD WIN A GRAMMY FOR VAN LEAR ROSE. THAT’S RIGHT. YOU KNOW IT! YEAH! YOU KNOW! DON’T ACT LIKE I DIDN’T TELL YOU ABOUT THIS MONTHS AGO.
reefer log:
parts of worker bee
babel fish talk home um, here?
conversation about waether
which year did the people know when smoking was bad
desserts for lent i’m not sure there’s desserts allowed when fasting. derp!
my hospital bill
how to stop a stomach virus silver bullet
stomach virus in kids get a bucket
food for a stomach virus food? are you crazy?
what a home fuse box looks like it’s the secret panel on the wall. filled with pretty, jewel-like glass thingies. unless you have a breaker box, in which case it’s filled with boring switches. the breaker box is more awesome though.
barry white jokes
things to say
female contortionist yay. freakin’ yay.
what school did tina turner go to i’ll ask her next time she’s over.
cat cakes
2.13.05
if it were not for House of Leaves i would be reading other books right now.
*
have i confessed my love of Roberta Flack lately?
**
‘cos Roberta Flack can sing, yo.
***
i wish i could sing like her.
reefer log:
biker bitch tattoos
dolls that you can take apart when we were little my brahther and i would take the arms off of Skeletor and put them on He-Man, ‘cos the arms were easy to snap on and off. so there was He-Man with blue arms. easily entertained.
shot ting games
president’s day backgrounds i dunno, but i’d go with a red, white, and blue something.
how tall is tina turner good question! how tall IS tina turner?
paint on clothes
2.12.05
i used to collect baseball cards. i loved that hobby. it was so easy. i liked buying older cards because i thought they were so cool. yes, i was/am a dork. i was looking through a very small part of my cards last night and i am sad that my collection does not have:
ernie banks
sandy koufax
jackie robinson
stan musial
reggie jackson
bob gibson
an early mike schmidt
an early pete rose
al kaline
yogi berra
sal maglie
phil rizzuto
casey stengel (as a player, not manager)
i’m sure there’s a dozen or so more. i mean, i have a willie mays card, but not a very good one. i’ve got two whitey fords, but one of them is screwed up. and my roger maris? the corner was eaten away by a dog or moth or something.
other players i would love to have but would not even contemplate spending the hundreds of dollars:
joe dimaggio
ted williams
babe ruth
lou gehrig
reefer log:
spanish nicknames
we are all in the middle of a big pickle what kind of a big pickle
cherry tattoos
how to say pickle is spanish la salmuera es española
biker women
pearl slang
spinning jenny
reverse songs
hello kitty paper bags
children’s cakes monkey
how to pickle wood i think you basically water down the paint and then apply it like you would a stain.
billy gibbons
finger bruise
it’s going alright
when smoking was invented
look at my boobs HA!
2.11.05
i’ve had some kind of Stomach Virus Sickness Thing. there are terrible pains in my stomach and i crap a lot. i know what you are thinking, “but jaimie, that’s like, a normal day for you.” and the thing is, you’re right. but somehow, it’s a bit different. so i’m thinking i have some kind of “bug” as they say.
so i canceled the art class because i thought it best not to infect the students (2) with my baffling stomach pain/fire-rrhea. so sara, west, i’m sorry we couldn’t eat dinner and listen to the devil’s music while drawing something this evening.
later on in the evening i received a voice mail (sorry i missed your call, the phone, she was charging) and it’s dan and he leaves a message and then pauses this loooooong pause and then says, “so how many people did you talk to today?” (referencing 2.02.05 entry) then florrie grabs the phone and says, “we’ll talk to you later.” and hangs up.
you guys. that was the funniest thing and it CRACKED ME UP and if it hadn’t been 10pm when i checked the message i would have called you back to tell you.
reefer log:
cellular pickle
white trash females nicknames
silly things to e-mail
pickle arse
cakes monkey designs
dr pepper songs i’ve had a bajillion searches for diet cherry banilla dr pepper. that is so crazy. i mean, yes, it’s good. but why are you searching for it on the internet? it’s not here. go to the store. that’s where you’ll find it.
flying monkey right
what’s a douche bag*
pringles commercial little girl
*according to Webster’s New World College Dictionary 4th Ed.:
douche bag [slang] an unpleasant, offensive, or contemptible person: a mildly vulgar term
so there you have it, kids. a mildly vulgar term. oy, we are living in the End Times, when there’s condom commercials on the t.v., Lemony Snicket books, and definitions for douche bag in the dictionary. yay end times!
2.10.05
so here we are in the happy season of Lent. once again i shall be giving my sugar to the lord. so no desserts or cookies or sweet tea or RCTs or appy pie or ice cream or peeps.
yummy, soft, nummy peeps.
DANGER: JIMMY, DO NOT BUY ME A CARDBOARD HEART FULL OF DELICIOUS CHOCOLATES FOR V-DAY. UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING IN YOUR BUM. WHICH, YOU DON’T.
*****
i just downloaded Dolly Parton singing Stairway. i’m not sure i feel about that yet.
****
updated 50 Books Lemony Snicket’s Very Sad Book About Orphans Who Are Surrounded By Ineffectual Adults And Abused By Their Greedy Uncle With Pedophilic Tendencies
charming book, Mr. Snicket. not.
reefer log:
get out smells from a room
jokes about electricians
funny commercial f*ck you up the
cork soaker
lord open my eyes
i’m a dork i act like a stork
flying monkeys
hello kitty tattoo
2.09.05
thanks LBC, for outting my CD collection.
i’ll not tell you guys about the CD sorting because it shows how racist and insensitive laura and i really are. oh, wait. yes i will. because it shows just how racist and insensitive we really are.
for instance laura’s holding a CD in each hand and says, “why don’t we make a black stack *shakes the Temptations CD* and a gay stack *shakes the other hand which contains a Barry White CD*”
“yeah okay, HEY WAIT! WHY IS BARRY WHITE GAY?!”
“oh no, i wasn’t talking about Barry, i was just sayin’. a black stack and a gay stack.“
“oh. ok.”
“does tina turner go in the black or gay stack?”
“what? are you serious?! hey also, can we stop calling it the “black” stack? call it motown or something, it’s Black History Month for crying outs.”
“so, the “Black Stack” is offensive, but you’re okay with the “Gay Stack”?”
“no. not at all. i mean, look how tall it is.”
it went something like that, anyway.
just further proof that laura and i should not be allowed to speak in public, earn a wage, or vote.
****
BUT WAIT! I’M NOT A TOTAL DOUCHE BAG. SOMETIMES I’M HELPFUL!
i volunteered for something.
for one hour a week i go to the local jr. college and talk to an international student so that they can practice their english.
i know.
i know. what the hell was i thinking? i have no business talking to some Colombian guy. this is crazy. plus i’m shy! i am like SO SHY! i’m totally the most shy- you’re not buying this are you?
so anyway it’s called Conversation Program or Conversation Friends or Something Conversation. something. and i, like a moron, said, “uhhhhhh ok.”
i was kinda weirded out when they partnered me up with a guy. i thought, “hmm. i wonder what jimmy will say…”
so i told jimmy about it yesterday.
“jimmy, i volunteered and now i have to talk to some latino college hottie guy. sorry.”
he immediately responds with, “oh that’s ok. i volunteered for it too. they set me up with a 17 year old female circus contortionist…from asia.”
“you? are a dirty old man.”
so i met my Talkin’ Buddy today. his name is David and he’s from Colombia. he speaks pretty good english. we only had a few moments of What The Hell Are You Trying To Say?
he’s some kind of genius science person studying fiber optics. and i thought, great, what are we going to talk about? and then he says he used to work in a beer factory. yay!
so i ask him a question about cans and he’s all, “what ees thees….cans? what ees cans?”
“uhhhh you know like…the…thing…um, bottles?”
“si, si! bottles!”
he talked about how the food here tastes so deefrent. “even the meelk. here the meelk is taste deefrent.”
“really? like how?”
“i don’t know. i don’t really dreenks the meelk anyway.”
he is a super nice guy and i had a great time talking to him. guys, he’s the Colombian version of A.J. i kid you not! that made it so much easier to talk to him. he’s totally A.J., only with big curly hair.
reefer log:
man with long beard oh! i know this one! billy gibbons!
bong bro who you callin’ bro, bro?
phone call gone bad
rotten food
president concern for head start programs BAHahahahahahahahahahaha oh, man, that’s a good one.
biker stuff
yong wonder adult yong?
funny mean names
pearl jam guy
old fuse box
song shop vac
2.08.05
i watched Medium for the first time last night. it’s creepy. but i don’t see the point of the cartoon backgrounds. does that happen in every show? or did i just happen to catch an odd one? are the cartoon parts used to show when she has a “vision” so as not to confuse when she’s had a dream? ‘cos the dreams looked real. anyway. whatever.
i feel bad for the little girl who’s going to be psychic.
****
i feel shocked and betrayed. i…i don’t know what to do or how to react. i just found out that the Montreal Expos have turned into the Washington Nationals (the who? the what? the hell?!). D.C has a ball team again. and it’s not so much that i’m going to miss Montreal, i mean, i always thought the Expos had the lamest team name ever (and Devil Rays, you’re right up there), but it’s the fact that i just now heard about it. i realize i live in a bubble world, but you’d think something like that would’ve gotten through.
reefer log:
machine for waether it’s my new favorite word
killer barbies down the street no, they’re just drug dealers
dante’s inferno
spinning jenny or jelly
stuff for alabama
dolls that act and look real eeeeew
cork soaker video
2.07.05
Bush’s Budget Blows
the “pres.” says he can cut the deficit in half by 2009. but at what cost?
About 150 programs in all would be shuttered or radically cut back to help meet Bush’s goal of shaving the budget deficit in half by 2009. One out of every three of the targeted programs concern education. Medicaid funding would be reduced significantly and even major military weapons programs would be scrapped to make more resources available for the war in Iraq.
ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE?! GOOD ONE. BUT WAIT, LET’S SEE WHAT DICK FUCKING CHENEY HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT.
“We are being tight,” Vice President Cheney said yesterday. “This is the tightest budget that has been submitted since we got here.” But Cheney defended the cuts as measured. “I think you’ll find, once people sit down and have a chance to look at the budget, that it is a fair, reasonable, responsible, serious piece of effort,” he said on “Fox News Sunday.”
it’s a serious piece of something all right. SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY IT’S REASONABLE.
ALSO, IT’S NOT REALLY GOING TO CUT THE DEFICIT IN HALF. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE “PRES.” IS LEAVING OUT TWO GIANT FACTORS:
1. WAR
2. HIS STUPID SOCIAL SECURITY PLAN OF DOOM
The spending plan does not include future expenses of the continuing wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, nor does it include upfront transition costs of restructuring Social Security as Bush has proposed. The administration will submit a separate supplemental request largely for Afghanistan and Iraq operations, which will be reflected in the budget charts, officials said, but war costs in future years will not be. Nor will be the cost of Bush’s Social Security plan, which would begin in 2009 and result in $754 billion in additional debt over its first five years.
Lord, have mercy.
reefer log:
mean names to call someone
oh lord my god when i in awesome wonder i love that the first line to How Great Thou Art comes before:
meaning of mustache rides hee. it’s slang for, well, you know. *wink*
what does basura mean garbage, remember?
alabama woman
rec room designs
mr. pickle’s sandwich shop aw, how cute!
irish saying about death
electro torture japan
guy doing stupid stuff (see also: Bush, George W.)
movie call the page master
funny pickle song
two thumbs on his right hand FREAK! FREAK!
chinese new year songs hmm, Aulde Lang Ting Pong Yong? yes, i’m a dork.
pictures of kids hitting each other i wish!
2.06.05
update!
cakehole installed a deadbolt on one of my doors today! it’s so shiny and safe looking! yay!
but the real excitment happened a couple of hours later when i plugged up the shop vac to suck up the sawdust and wood splinters. i managed to blow a fuse.
but i didn’t know it.
because i’m a girl.
so i thought that my shop vac was broken.
and i yelled obscenities at my awesome shop vac. things like, “you dirty ol’ so and so! you’re not even a year old yet! how dare you break on me now! right when i need you most! i hate your guts! you are SO going to regret this! you see this?! this is a screwdriver! you know what’s gonna happen next?! i’m gonna take you apart! then i’m gonna stare at your innards! then i’m gonna like, solder something that looks loose or whatnot! you’re gonna get it alright. yep. hey. why is my space heater turned off? what the…did a fuse blow? the lights are still on. what the hell is going on? hm. my lamp won’t turn on. but the computer didn’t cut off. oh wait. UPS. heh. nice to know something works. damn, i don’t have any fuses. well, let’s check the fuse box out. oh yeah! i don’t need fuses! tatdow! ah, i’m glad to see the electricians labeled everything. NOT. ice holes. i guess it’s the switch that is neither on nor off? let’s flip it and see. *click click* now i’ll check my lamp…tatdow! o, shop vac, dear shop vac, i love you. i wasn’t really going to gut you, you know. you’re so good to me. you suck up all my dirt and leaves and Arm & Hammer Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorant Powder. now my room smells like an old lady. my eyes are burning. damn, that shit is strong.”
now, if you’re my landlord you might be wondering how i blew a fuse. well, i don’t know. i noticed that the lamp was going wonky last night every time the refrigerator was coming on (the lamp would get brighter and brighter.). so maybe it has something to do with the ‘fridge.
but the reason i think it blew was ‘cos i was a lazy slug, and instead of unplugging the extension cord that cakehole had been using for his drill, i just plugged the shop vac into the cord.
and it’s a long cord.
and i’m a lazy idiot.
and i should have known better.
and it took me way longer to realize that i had blown a fuse than i’d like to admit.
*****
i forgot to tell you guys this story until i told laura this story yesterday as i helped her move some of her gramma’s stuff to her new fancy downtown home.
here’s the story. the TRUE story. this story is AWESOME.
dad and i were in the elevator at the Holy House and this dude gets on too. and he’s got a long beard and looks a little rough, like maybe he’s a biker dude or something. and there’s dad and i in our paint clothes looking all Worker Bee. the dude says, “y’all know any good painters?”
and dad immediately says, “nope. we’re brain surgeons.”
the doors open and the guy steps out laughing and says, “me too.”
reefer log:
pickle punk
lemon pickle
electro torture
tattoos of pearl jam guy
good friends hug each other is that…is that true?
loretta lynn haunted house
dolls with real skin and look real this makes me want to cry
2.05.05
donald rumsfeld is an evil cork soaker. i’m pretty sure that he is filled with demons and rat piss.
“I submitted my resignation to President Bush twice during that period
and told him that … I felt that he ought to make the decision as to whether or not I stayed on.
And he made that decision and said he did want me to stay on,” Rumsfeld said.
i don’t think for one second that he believed “president” bush would accept his “resignation”. that is a load of crap, and it stinks.
but the kicker is the last paragraph:
Critics pounced in December after Rumsfeld told a soldier
who asked about a lack of armored U.S. vehicles in Iraq that “you go to war with the Army you have.”
He also admitted his letters to families of troops killed in Iraq had been signed by a machine.
what a guy.
i mean, he’s got to be a pretty busy dude, huh? between torturing prisoners and getting our soldiers killed he can’t be bothered with signing his name with a real pen on all those letters. he’s much too important for that. besides, he’s too busy soaking the “president’s” cork.
you guys do understand that he has no soul, right?
reefer log has soul:
spanish nicknames
ass smoking
invented donut
stork dolls
metallica cops
free bong magazines
muffuletta
stupid stuff to do with fire
smoking women japan
women gone bad
2.04.05
my leetle brahther called me last night and gave me two codes for free iTunes songs he got from drinking soda pop (which he isn’t supposed to be drinking. fink!) and he said, “i just gave you two dollars.” which seemed very hilarious at the time. much like this:
after work today Popsicle and i went to the grocery store and as we were putting the groceries in the car i handed him a bag and said, “that’s meat.”
well.
that cracked him up. i guess it sounded funny. “that’s meat!” it’s just not something that people say very often, i guess.
we said it a million times.
reefer log:
naked university of alabama guys get your own!
goldmine jokes
motorola razor tmobile i think you can only get the razor phone with verizon
mr. pickle’s day out
hello kitty toilet paper
parents saying sorry
pitcher violence school what?
watch someone’s belly grow
young adult books susanna clarke
names for hotdogs
riverview regional medical center ice holes
things say bathroom
hardcore old people
montage dresses
restaurant song diet cherry vanilla dr pepper commercial there’s a commercial?
stupid chinese dolls
www. used car dealers in japan
contusion pictures
how to say pickle in spanish according to Babel Fish it’s salmuera.
peanut butter diarrhea
creepy reverse songs
what are montage dresses? i keep getting searches for this.
2.03.05
i love thursdays because thursdays are Garbage Day on newton street. i love Garbage Day. it’s like a small holiday. a day to celebrate the purging of disposables. a day to gather the unwanted and unneeded, and place them in plastic bags, and then, place the plastic bags in a giant, black Trash Can of Awesome-ness.
and when all of the sweet garbage has been collected, from the wastebaskets and the ‘fridge and the litter box and occassionally the floor, then we place the Trash Can of Awesome-ness near the road. an offering to the Garbage God, which happens to be a big, noisy truck.
and if the placement of the Trash Can of Awesome-ness is done so correctly, with arrows facing the street, with the can no further than 2 feet from the road, then this pleases the Garbage God. and the Garbage God will pick up the sacred offering of rotten food, snotty toilet paper, and cat pee cakes, with his robotic arm, and will ceremoniously dump the garbage straight into it’s belly.
he then drives to the next offering till he has taken all of our garbage from us, and we start a new cycle; clean, righteous, and forgiven!
wait. scratch the righteous and forgiven part.
reefer log:
broken red pickle dish
jet games for kids
reality t.v.
oh ah
video of instant karma
i want a gay man
wash your hands info for kids
amuse me internet
hammered look paint
disposable knife
peanuts kite eating tree
flying monkey
where can i find women who smoking crack across the street
colonics laura bush
silly things parents say i dunno, maybe, “colonics laura bush.”?
medical term for a black eye i am not aware of a medical term for black eye, perhaps you are thinking of a bruise or contusion? i hear leeches help.
dirty jokes in spanish
saying hold your water oh. my. god.
parkinglot cartoons
how to make rag balls
when hot dogs were invented
show me awesome shit sorry. no awesome shit here.
2.02.05 worst blog entry ever:
i hurt my finger while juggling. it’s got an awesome bruise on it. i’m going to have to put a softer grip on those things.
today i had a diet cherry vanilla dr pepper.
i give it two thumbs up.
today was strange because i only talked to 3 people.
1. popsicle
2. mr. fleegan
3. sara
mr. fleegan and i had breakfast for dinner again.
eggs
sausage
biscuits
decaf coffee
tomorrow my minutes start over. yay!
so y’know, call me.
reefer log:
super cops
spaghetti o’s can food
coveralls picture
read my boobs
what is the meaning for douche bag
people smoking crack
fixture and checking balls
games for five year olds
pringles mustache ride
old barbies
raggedy ann watch
crackpipe
mr pickle fatty
2.01.05
i am so obsessed with House of Leaves that i am nearly ashamed at what i have done. however, i’m trying not to become crazy obsessed with it, and so i’ve started reading V. by thomas pynchon. yeah, okay, shut up. i am going to master HoL. i am going to solve it. i am going to make it my bitch. i am going to go crazy and people are going to start saying things like, “remember jaimie before she read that book? she used to be so funny and cool. now she’s just sad.” “yeah. i wish she’d take a shower.”
i got the new ani CD Knuckle Down i’ve listened to it once. so far so good.
have i bragged yet about how i finally paid off all my medical bills? (well, all but the hospital bill. but still.) yes. it only took me 4 months. but i did it. yay. now piss off, you leeches.
my bro is doing very well, and he has insurance so don’t worry, he won’t have to pay a thing.
but here’s something that should really piss you off. my little bro was in the hospital for 8 days at Vanderbilt. a real hospital. he had real surgery. he had real drugs for many days. his bill from the hospital?
$19,000.
my bill from The Sorriest Hospital in The World for 2 days and no good drugs?
$21,000.
fuck you, Riverview Regional Medical Center. fuck you up the ass. you see this? this is me giving you the finger. i hope you can see it because i’m doing it as hard as i can.
reefer log:
forced witness password
japan hottie
pickle fingers
strip clubs for women
hello kitty tattoo
how to download the songs
sling shot
peanut clown pictures
little kid pictures saying sorry
omg pickle
theme of dante’s inferno probably love.
what is electro torture if you have to ask…
wanted young man single and free oh yay! it was in someone else’s head too!
who invented the spinning jelly perhaps you mean the spinning jenny? i dunno, one of those british textile dudes. hold on a sec, try here.
stork shower games
waether
college guys gone bad
down load music of chinese instruments
funny people saying things
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