1.31.05

Category: dribblings

1.31.05
i updated the 50 Books.

PENANCE FOR SAYING DOUCHE BAG TOO MUCH

at the Holy House today we painted a room that still had some of the lady’s belongings in it. dad comes out of the bathroom holding an ancient, red, hot water bottle with a long tube hanging out of it. dad says, “holy shit. i didn’t think these still existed.” and i look and see what he’s holding and i immediately flashback to me, 12 years old, watching Sybil at 4am crying my eyes out watching this mom torture her daughter with the same thing and she’s screaming, “hold your water! hold your water!”

“AAAAAHHH! SYBIL! dad, what is that?!”
“gee, i don’t know, douche bag.”
“hey! oh. hee. really? i thought they were more…disposable than that.”
“yeah. i’m pretty sure they are.”
“um, you’re going to wash your hands, yes?”
“yes. with acid.”
“good.”

****

dad and i ate at Pasghetti’s this evening. i had the muffuletta and he had a calzone. it was so delicious. the table behind us consisted of two ladies and one dude. the dude was some kind of doctor type person and was also a flaming homosexual. i mean, i didn’t ask if he was gay, but i’m pretty sure he was. not that i care, i’m just telling you this so when you “picture” his voice make sure it’s all drama queen and lispy. here are some snippets that i overheard:

girl 1: he will not listen to me at all. BUT, if i call him Spiderman? he’ll do whatever i want.

gay doc: you are like, a freshman? in college?
girl 2: yes.
gd: a freshman?
g2: ye-es.
gd: in college?

gd: yeah, but accent walls are like, so ’80s.
g1: but i really think that purple will be-
gd: you mean lavender?
g1: yes, lavender.

gd: black people with diabetes say that they have “sugar” or sugar diabetes.
g2: really? sugar?
gd: yeah, that call it the sugar. like, so they won’t get confused about salt diabetes!
the girls laugh.

i sighed the deep and painful sigh of patience.

****

while walking through the lobby of an office building a 14 year old asked me for a cigarette.

reefer log:
plus sized ladies dresses
saying i love you too soon
stuff to buy for your girlfriend
1000 corpses
generation of light from a pickle
hardcore thumbs
thumbs goth
cabinet magazines
what does dork mean call me a bedwetter will you…
montage dresses this cracked me up
kids say the silly things
bathroom light monkey
how to get boobs in 1 day impossible!
harold and kumar it only took ONE DAY. that must be a fleegan record.
worlds largest trees
how to piss off your girlfriend
fire ladder parts

1.30.05

i finally made it through the whole first season of Alias. i can finally get back to reading books now.
the first 10 episodes are stupid. the last half of the season is good. my favorite plotline is Will because he’s just a regular dude. the parts with Sydney going on 12 missions an episode and all of them having close calls?
Dear Redundancy Department,
You are doing a fantastic job of making cool missions and ass kicking quite boring.
Love,
Jaimie Pickle

oh, and the part with the deciphered Rimbaldi text? i’m screaming, “oh please! just anything but a picture of her, okay?! anything!” and then, “thank god. that doesn’t look anything like her. WHAT?!”

****

we painted at the Holy House on friday. we finished up the Rec Room. then this posse of old ladies came and redecorated it. it looks tons better (mostly ‘cos it was dirty white with dark burgundy/purple trim. and now it’s a clean white and tan. it’s cozy.) these old ladies are complete stars now, because everyone in the building came by to see the new look, and everyone has had something good to say about it. the decorators were Mildred and her Band o’ Biddies, including ladies named Estelle, Ms. Swann, and Goody Bishop.
hee.

****

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle is better than i thought it would be. tons of laughing.
let the searches begin.

****

we had chinese food last night.
i love hot and sour soup. i love it. and eggrolls? love.
my fortune cookie? “your ability is appreciated” in bed. yay!

reefer log:
dirt songs all funny
house of flying daggers theme song i’m telling you, it’s the chinese version of The God Father theme.
pickle kelly
want to buy casserole dish
electricution
drug dealer nicknames i love this.
raggedy ann night light
www.foodnetwork.com
what to do when your boss called you idiot
in a pickle old books

1.29.05
last night liz, kristie, and i worked the door for another hardcore show. the music is way too screamy and distorted for me to truly enjoy it. but the kids, they love it. and it’s weird because they kick and punch and flop around hitting each other, they beat the crap out of each other…. and then they hug. these hardcore/goth/punk/whatever kids hug each other as much as hippies. it’s awesome, but it blows my mind. because i know that if people of my generation get punched in the face, the retaliation isn’t going to be a hug.
it’s a bar fight. and there’s sucker punches.

it’s a softer, gentler punk. well, not really. but there’s hugs.

reefer log:
songs to listen to when you feel like
saying i love you in the greek language
buy my boobs
bathroom space saver cabinet
uh oh ah
fatty thumbs
cartoons gone bad
glass crackpipe
purple ceiling fan
nazi remorse
dream boobs
jp thumbs
spanish light fixture
world’s largest commercial jet
games where you go in strip clubs
hair cut magazines

1.28.05
reefer log:
electricians knife
world’s largest bong what? have i said bong on here? oh. oh hell. it’s from the House of Flying Daggers God Father theme song. internet, have you lost your mind?!
y tu text book
i don’t want a pickle
world’s largest man
best thing for a slingshot
stupid things famous people said
growing up to be white trash by jaimie pickle
how much caffeine does it take to kill to kill what?
bedwetter yay! finally!
your just plain stupid oh yeah? what about my just plain stupid?!
talking beer can opener oh my goodness i want one! wait. no. you don’t need a can opener for beer anymore honey, they have handy tabs on the top. so easy a 6 year old could open one!
sineade o’connor
pictures of nazi tattoos

1.27.05

i have to start Reefer Logging it every day. or every other day. there’s so many to laugh at. and there’s even more that i cannot post because they are so perverted, stupid, and redundant.
reefer log:
picture of a crack head
pringles info
how to get boobs
pickle on crack
pickle fingers creep me out
old boobs
the short story i am a fool
forced witness
jimmy searches for really stupid stuff
video bad cops
tallest person in the world
stupid and crazy potatoes
wookie doll
white trash
magic beowulf
get hair now
girlfriend in fairview
spanish translation for trash basura?
slut whore piss
young slut thumbs
pictures of sic stuff
slow jam song
i hate little people
dolls made to look like my baby
mustache clubs
obscenities in spanish
peanut butter on a knife with a face
home kite
jem dolls
short cops
tattoo art cats
hello kitty tattoos
drug test time table
sport coveralls
greek god pitchers see?! again! and just when i’m going to laugh at the idiot who searched for that, i get this one:
movies about waether and other dangerous
free mom thumbs
eye balls
monkey bathroom
mustache designs
lucy splaining
pringles games
how to install a ceiling light fixture
drug dealer nicknames
free spanish class for kids
black hair magazines
graveyard tattoos
how to cook
tmobile text crack
bathroom monkey
ass hole
download songs to cell
silly things that people do but which i
pitchers of cars
skanks
amtrack i love having my misspellings thrown back at me. and i love even more when i talk about my bowels. and when it happens at the same time? euphoria. you guys, i’m an idiot.
scarpetta movies
peanuts cartoons math
hospital scissors pictures creepy
where were video tapes invented
has anyone else sang the song more than a woman besides me?
fleegan smoking
japan piss
metallica cops
the stuff that makes me laugh

ah, zee internet. ees a broken thing, no?

1.26.05
i met a new old lady at the Holy House today. we’ll call her ms. hattie (because that is her sweet, sweet name). oh man, she is SO AWESOME.
she’s really short and has white fluffy hair. and she dresses really well, and she’s so awesome because she tells dirty jokes. the jokes aren’t that dirty. nor are they particularly funny. but when a little old lady tells a dirty joke, i promise you, it’s the funniest thing in the world.

apparently she’s got a million of them. but some of the other old ladies who hang out in the lobby told her she couldn’t tell her jokes anymore because they are a bunch of ninnies. so she doesn’t come down to the lobby very often. but i tell you, she is a hoot.

when she met us today she couldn’t believe our last name is pickle.
“what? what is your last name?”
“pickle. really.”
“ha! well which one-”
“i’m the sweet one,” i said, raising my hand, “he’s the sour one.” i pointed.
she thought that was awesome. but no, in fact, SHE IS AWESOME.

i am ms. hattie’s number one fan.

*****

today we painted half of the Rec Room. and this one lady was out in the lobby as i was walking through to get more paint and she grabbed me and said, “you better paint it up good in there.”
and i smiled and said, “oh yes ma’am. i sure will!”
and she said, “or else i’m going to have to go in there and give it a stork shower!” and patted her tummy in that indigestion/diarrhea kind of way.
“um, okay. heh.”

the hell?!

1.24.05
i watched the other 4 episodes of Alias. so now i’ve seen 7.
already i’m sick of all of the emotional torture bullshit. yes, these things that happen to her are horrible, and i have no idea what it would be like to live a lie for so long (not working for CIA) and then the try to fix it (work for CIA), and all of that with the, “oh my god, i hardly know my father and now i have to work with him, i’m going to blame him for everything.” angst.

Alias, please.

she worked for 7 years as a spy? she “fit the profile” so they recruited her her freshman year of college? guess what? she’s probably not that emotional. and? and? AND? SHE CONFIDES TO THE CIA HOTTIE ALL THE STOOPID SHIT ABOUT HER FATHER BUT NEVER MENTIONS THAT SHE WAS FUCKING TORTURED BY ELECTRICUTION?! trust me, if there was something to whine about it would be the electro-torture, and not the absentee father bullshit.
she doesn’t even like her dad.

Alias, quit being a dumbass. just show her on cool missions kicking ass. that’s all we need.

1.23.05
“But there is violence in my heart.” Dr. Woodlayson, you slay me.

***

we had great fun in TN. you should go with us sometime. there’s a restaurant called Wok & Roll. we did not eat there.

Ms. Toonces Whorecat seems excited to see me. she has managed to piss me off 4 times in the last 3 hours. i know she means well, but c’mon, i do not need a cat attached to my boobs.
get. off. my. boobs.

***

i watched the first 3 eps of Alias this evening. laura and cakehole had rented them.
eh.
during the opening credits of the first episode i was pleasantly surprised to see it was plain and just names and not some rehashing voice over and montage. “how cool.” i said.
then the second episode came on.
rehashing voice over AND montage.
oh, and the gratuitous chick tunes throughout? shut up.
hey look, i love sinead o’connor, i do. no really, i do. but c’mon, “no man’s woman” did not belong in that scene. hell, it didn’t belong in that episode. i’m not saying you couldn’t use it in a different episode, just not that one, ever.

i want to like the show, but i’m already confused and i’m not sure i can be unconfused. because all the guys look the same. and there’s 3 agencies? why? why are there 3?
i get the CIA. and i get that there’s a “bad” agency. but…then in ep 3 there’s another “bad” agency? wha? hello? just call them russians or chinese or croatian or whatever, but don’t tell me that there are 2 independent “bad” very organized international crime agencies.

perhaps this will all make sense tomorrow when i watch the other CD with the other episodes.
see? half full, i swear.

1.20.05

welcome: liz


mr. fleegan and i saw House of the Flying Daggers last night. i enjoyed it. it was pretty and colorful and violent and had flying martial arts moves and was in Mandarin.
we were the only two people at the show. that’s only happened to us one other time, when we saw House of 1000 Corpses. what is it about movies with house in the title?

anyway, i was glad we were the only ones there because i tend to say things during movies like, “what the hell?” “they’re gonna die, you know.” “he’s playing her. but the thing is, she is TOTALLY playing him, and he doesn’t know it. so really, he’s not playing her at all.” “you realize that they have to die, right?” “it was a trick! he didn’t throw the knife!” “this movie is too long.”

for real, if they had cut 20 minutes out of that movie, i’d give it two thumbs up. as it is, it gets one.

also, the HotFD Theme Song, or whatever (it goes like, “bing bong bong ping yang ting bing bonnnng”) totally sounded like the theme from the Godfather, only with chinese instruments.

****

tomorrow is friday. and on friday i am going to TN to visit my little bro, Hoostin. we are going to sit around and watch stoopid movies and play video games! yay! for two days! yay yay!
this means that there’ll be no weekend blogging.

so i’ll leave you with some Reefer Log fun: (over 200 searches included “free, n_ked, p_rn, l_dies, g_rls, p_ctures, b_ack, old, young”. every combination possible. internet, you amuse me. perverts, you don’t.) sorry it’s such a huge list, but it’s so crazy, and like i say, i’ve had over 200 since tuesday of just p_rn crap alone. it’s been a busy week at fleegan.com so far i’ve been able to help none of these people:

how do i light up a pickle
what’s a pickle
ours is not to reason why
download cell phone porn (is there such thing?)
me llamo
fluorescent kitchen ceiling light (is the kitchen fluorescent? the ceiling?)
new orleans adult night life
hello kitty tattoo
cats are called
loud cars
bag o stuff
create a fart (GASP! how cool is that?!)
shut the f*ck up wav
tattoos pitchers (the whole pitcher/picture thing irritates me to no end, and then, just when i’m feeling all smart and awesome, someone searches for:
waether.com (damn you, instant karma…that i don’t even believe in!)
cell phone used in eurotrip
kid song
crazy irish tattoos
skanks
pickle cartoons
ass hole
ass smoking (jimmy and i had the same response to this one.)
haunted super target
sanrio tattoos
smoking crack around children
10 reason for why i hate you
bananas make my stomach hurt why
how to help someone get off crack
news for perverts (like, naked news?)
raggedy ann and andy bag
how much is the hello kitty cell phone (the one with the waggly tail!?)
dolls made from kids pictures
the tallest person on earth
barbie dealers japan
jp and the cats
foodnetwork
antimatter cartoons (wow. sounds hilarious.)
hello i’m in your monitor
greek songs to listen
scissors cartoons
jimmy greek
watch forced witness girlfriend (this is a disturbing combo of words to me.)
cops gone bad
all fart (a statement…or a command? things to ponder.)
who invented tranquilizers
information on barbies
plus size strip clubs
how to describe can opener
bro modcore
toonces
adult free pitchers of cartoons
free good home
tmobile pictures.com
spaghetti o’s
voices of new orleans
tattoo bumps

whoa, slow down Internet!
i’m not sure which one was my favorite, probably ass smoking. no wait, create a fart! totally!

1.19.05
while you have a point (OT), yes, i could just e-mail you, i’m still gonna reply on the blog because

A. you keep calling me a bedwetter and
B. i never invited anyone over to swim because well, i just never thought about it. maybe ‘cos i had a brother and we played ALL THE TIME.

i predict in two days the reefer log will show someone searched for bedwetter and got here.
the searches for naked things are starting to creep me out. people are weird. i hate people.
dirty dirt holes.

****

conversation with dad.

have i mentioned that dad sometimes calls me Paint Monkey (in reference to SNL’s Bathroom Monkey)? usually if he needs more paint in his pan he’ll say, “hey Paint Monkey, i need more paint.” and that’s my cue to go and pour paint from my bucket into his pan. i hate that.
but, we cannot choose the nicknames we get, can we? nay, i daresay if we could there would be a billion tall people who would NOT have the nick of Tiny, and there’s about 9 million edwards who would not be Fast Eddie.

he loves doing that because it’s like he’s talking down to me and that makes him feel big and awesome. i know this because one day i was actually doing the rolling (doesn’t happen often, he’s much better at rolling and i’m tops at trimming.) and i needed paint and hollered, “hey Paint Monkey! i need more paint!” and he was all, “heh, you feel big and important, huh?” and i was all, “just pour the paint, Paint Monkey.”
i’ve mentioned we laugh a lot?

well, today i missed a spot above a doorway and dad was all, “Paint Monkey! you missed a spot! you missed a spot!” and proceeded to “talk down” to the Paint Monkey. he does that ‘cos he knows it gets a rise outta me.
“*sigh* i’ll get it in a second.”
“i can’t believe you messed up like that!”
“shut up shut up! i said i’ll get it in a second!”
“i was so close to being able to finishing this and now i have to wait on Paint Monkey’s mistake…”
“you know,” slam the ladder, “i hate,” slam slam, “when you do this!” slam.
“uh oh, is Paint Monkey PMSing?”
“ARG! NO! i’m just saying,” slam. adjust the ladder. climb the ladder loudly and huffy, “that you make a big deal out of my every mistake. you’re a sick human being.”
“yeah, but Paint Monkey missed a spot…”
“ye-es. and if you noticed, the world did not stop spinning!” huff, huff. fix mistake. grumble. “in fact, this will not affect your 5 Year Plan in ANY WAY.”
“uh oh. Paint Monkey has an attitude.”
“no, Paint Monkey has a philosophy.”

i know i make it sound like dad is an ass (because he is), but when he makes a mistake i totally point and yell about it. so we’re even. in fact, when he makes a mistake, his nickname is Crack Baby. so maybe Paint Monkey isn’t so bad.

MONKEY HATE PAINT.

1.18.05
omg! the OT talked about Mrs. Stanley! ha! she drove a blue tank (that she had no business driving.) and also had blue hair. now true, my hair has been blue, more than once, but hers? wasn’t supposed to be blue. and it was. so blue. she was one of the Old Ladies that i feared while growing up. other old ladies whom i feared:
kelly siebert (the donut hole nazi. lived to be 94 years old.)
Mrs. Hooker (no not that one, her mother-in-law)(she was actually a witch. she ate kids.)
The Cat Lady (probably not a witch. but still, all those cats.)
My Grandma (burned me with a cig everytime i sat in her lap)
Aunt Laura (who was actually not an aunt, but was an old lady at the church who was evil.)

i’m sure there were more as that church was filled with mean old people when i was a kid.

*****

we finally finished painting at The House. it only took two solid months.

*****

i hate tmobile.
turns out, i don’t have moblie 2 mobile minutes. WTF?
lucy, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

1.17.05
my reefer log has been packed with requests for naked pictures of all kinds.
YOU PERVERTS LOOKING FOR PICTURES OF OLD NAKED LADIES MAKE ME SICK.
but you criminals looking up the ones with children? there’s a special section in hell for you. consider yourselves reported.

happy birfday. more reefer log for you, OT (but i’d like to take a moment to say THAT I WAS NOT A BEDWETTER YOU, SLUT) ALSO, ahem, also, did i trash your fort? if i did then i am sorry, but i really don’t think that i would’ve written “fuck you” on your fort. oh. oh wait. was that your fort? because i thought it was that prat who lived up the street, what was his name? jud? i totally killed his fort. he was a load.

reefer log:
f*ck old ladies*
worlds largest pickle
porn pitchers**
how to make rag dolls
pictures of loretta lynn
hello kitty bathroom painting
wookie
smoking crack
hello i’m trapped in your monitor
beat fatty***
how to make a chimichanga**** try www.foodnetwork.com
peanut butter and jelly pictures
killer fart cartoons*****
swiss porn
how to make raggedy ann dolls
trinidad lemon pickles
i wonder if you’re listening******
tallest person in the world*******
pickle tattoos
hello kitty tattoos
wonder years jets jacket********

*hey! respect your elders, jerkhole!
**Rollie Fingers? i actually had one of his cards. i loved it ‘cos of his awesome mustache.
***okay, that one made me laugh. i don’t know why.
****i say chimichanga ONCE and immediately this crap starts up.
***** i wish i had killer fart cartoons on my site.
******mmm, probably not. i’m listening to loretta lynn.
*******i know her!
********i never watched that show.

the internet is broken.

1.15.05
WANTED: young man single and free
experience in love preferred
but will accept a young trainee*

FREE CAT: to good home
adult female
answers to the name Toonces, Kitty, Pretty Cat, Princess Kitty, Bitch, Bitch Hole, Douche Bag, Fukker, Dumbass, What Are You Doing?, Shit For Brains, I Hate You!, Tooncerino, Tooncey Von Tooncenhiemer, Crack Head, Dork, Jerk, Piss Vomit, and Dirty ****.

NEEDED: elephant tranquilizers.

LOST: my mind. last seen on Fairview Rd.
small and shiny, answers to the name Chimichanga.

LOST: my smaller Ayn Rand books.
where are they?

LOST: my parents’ pair of scissors
last seen: 1984

FOUND: stray cat. female.
she’s been here since 1996.
someone please come get her!

WANTED: lessons on how to speak Greek

NEEDED: glass casserole dish

LOST: the fight to not consume so much caffeine in a 4 hour period.

*song is in my head! get it out! get. it. out!

1.14.05
the reefer log has just been swamped with searches for pickle batteries, hello kitty tattoos/designs/bedroom/pictures/who cares, peanut butter and jelly songs and irish pronunciation .wavs for things like fart and potatoes. what in the world? also, ron burgundy?

Reefer Log:
pickle’s day out
i love pickles shirt
fire bad beer good metallica*
ron burgundy
naked pictures**
hello kitty pitchers***
loretta lynn
how to blow up a pickle
naked girl pictures****
snacky things for adult and kids in japan
feed her in the ass*****
free naked pictures
fart
naked black girl pictures******
new orleans strip clubs
www.waether.com*******

*what is this about?
**can you be more specific?
***stay in school
****okay, that’s more specific
*****what?! what does that even mean?! no! nevermind. i don’t want to know.
******ah ha! now the truth of your searches comes out! you dirty, dirty person.
*******i like when my mistakes come back and laugh in my face. waether, indeed.

1.13.05
my brother got to come home from the hospital today. he sounds great. he was talking to me while he was waiting on mom to pick him up and he said, “jaimie, i haven’t been outside for a whole week.”
“well, i don’t know how to put this…”
“what?”
“it’s just that…things have changed since the last time you were outside.”
“uh…how? is the sky purple?”
“i’m not gonna sugar coat this okay? it’s the trees.”
“the trees?”
“yeah, the trees. they’re… gone.”
“all of them?”
“yes. and i told mom and dad to tell you but they were all, “no! we can’t tell justin about the trees. he’s got so much on his mind as it is.” and i was all, “you better tell him about the trees or he’s gonna be pissed!” and they were all, “maybe he won’t even notice.” and i was all, “yeah, maybe if he was blind.” they think you’re a dumbass or something.”
he laughs.
“just remember that i wanted to tell you about the trees, but mom and dad were all,” ixnay on the ees tray.”
more laughing.
“i don’t know if they think you’re an idiot, or if they just like lying to you. they made me promise not to tell you. personally, i think they took the trees. they’re acting guilty anyway.”

i eventually stopped making up stuff.
poor justin, math genius, forced to listen to his blithering, half-witted sister.

my brother is way more awesomer than your brother.

*****

because of a certain jerkhole cell phone company, the word singular looks misspelled to me. nnnyargh!

1.12.05
hm. now what was i going to tell you about today? i cannot remember.
i crapped 7 times today. what is my problem?

*****

the assjack wastes of white skin that live across the street from me had some guests this evening. apparently they were having a disagreement. about what i have no idea. i can only speculate that it had something to do with either someone’s “ho” or some type of smokable drug. they proceeded to shout obscenities at each other intermingled with threats. it went on for 10 or 15 minutes.

i am going to have to buy a video camera. drug dealers have the best arguements.

jimmy and i sat quietly eating our dinner (hot dogs!) and saying things like, “i wonder if we should call the police?” “nah, let ’em kill each other. the property value will go up.” “you want to go on the front porch and watch?” “i suppose screaming ‘I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!’ would be considered disturbing the peace, right?” “does white trash beget white trash? it’s gotta be in the genes, right?“

or maybe we didn’t say those things. maybe i was saying them in my head. and really, i’m not so mean and hateful that i would really want them to shoot each other. wait. no, yes i am.

Dear Drug Dealer Ass Hole Neighbors,

I hate you and your loud cars. I hate that you drive your loud cars too fast down the street (watch out for kitties!), and that you sometimes drive it really fast and loud in REVERSE. THAT IS SO STUPID AND DANGEROUS. I think you should know that if i had the power to shoot laser beams out of my eyes, you and your skanks and your “friends” and your “friends’ cousins” and your girlfriend’s clients and ALL the cars would be graveyard dead a la my Evil Eye. And I would not feel remorse for you death, nay, I would feel justified! And THAT is why God won’t let me have laser beam eye balls. You jerks ruin everything!

Die,

Jaimie Pickle

1.11.05
today was much like yesterday in that they both sucked citrus flavored razor blades. they sucked in different ways because where yesterday i was effective, today i was ineffective, like a toilet with no flush, an envelope without a stamp, or the University of Alabama’s football team.
they sucked in similar ways in that they were filled with general suckiness, and at 2pm (on both days) i shit myself.
“jaimie, what do you mean-”
i mean. that at precisely 2pm. on monday and tuesday. of this week. i. shit. myself.
thank you, good night.
“but-”
no buts. ours not to reason why.
FOR THERE IS NO REASON.
IT IS A FACT, THAT ON BOTH DAYS I TOOK A CRAP AT 1:57PM. FINISH MY BUSINESS. GO ON WITH MY DAY AND KABLOOIE, AS SOON AS I GET TO THE STOP SIGN. APPARENTLY MY BOWELS ARE INTO BEING ON AN EXACT TIME TABLE THIS WEEK. MUCH LIKE HOW THE AMTRACK WORKS.

oh, i’m sorry. was that too much information?

i finished another book.

1.10.05
today was a horrible day, but it was a good horrible day. sort of. i’ll not go into details because it would take way too long and probably not make any sense to normal people like you.

i’m reading another one of the god books laura gave me. it’s pretty good. i’ll probably finish it tonight so i’ll probably get to brog about it tomorrow on the 50 Books link.

i have used the word probably 3 times so far. what is the matter with me?

today i stopped at a gas station to buy a beverage for work.
i get out of the car and this guy comes up to me (he looked a little younger than me) and he says, “excuse me ma’am, do you have a quarter i could have?”

now the thing is, he’s like, my brother’s age, right? he called me ma’am.
what a respectable young gentleman!
except he had a black eye and had obviously had the crap beat out of him.
i totally gave him a quarter.
he said thanks, and then he said, “are you painting today?”
my jacket and coveralls are covered in paint splatters.
“yes i am.”
“do you need any help?”
“no. i’m sorry.”
“okay, well thanks for the quarter.”
“you’re welcome.”

i was going to ask if he needed a ride somewhere, but i didn’t. because i knew that everyone i know would have killed me if i had done that. and probably (4) with good reason.
jimmy freaked out when i told him, “what?! NO! DO NOT GIVE RIDES TO STRANGERS.”
“i know. i didn’t.”
“yeah, this time.”
“but. but. *sigh* i know.”

I AM A FOOL. AND ONE DAY YOU’LL COME BACK TO THIS WEBSITE AND LAURA WILL HAVE POSTED A MESSAGE SAYING: SORRY, BUT THERE WILL BE NO MORE FLEEGAN.COM AS JAIMIE WAS A TOTAL MORON AND GAVE A KILLER A RIDE. SHE DESERVED WHATEVER SHE GOT.

1.09.05
i have taken down the forever broken Goodie Bag link and added the 50 Books in 2005 link.
1 down, 49 to go.

cake hole bought a water balloon sling-shot. i’ll say no more on that subject on the grounds that it might incriminate me and 8 other people. of course, if something did happen we were going to blame it on west, since he’s still a minor. always good to have a plan.

*****

i watched the mayor of sunset strip last night. it’s a documentary type movie. it was good, but it made me sad and i felt bad for that guy. it had some funnyish parts, but no, it’s mostly sad. there’s tons of famous music people in it. still, sad. i’m glad i watched it though.

1.08.05

i had this long update. but it was pretty graphic intensive. so i made it a weekly.
laura, i know you could’ve made an awesome graphic for it. but i was so excited that i wanted to go ahead a post it. if you want to make a real graphique for it that would be cool. mine sucks wookie.

1.07.05
life is a mystery. everyone must stand alone.

*********

i am addicted to red rope licorice.

********

i don’t like using the term “jet black” to describe something that is darker than “regular black” because i don’t think that jets are actually black, they are more silver gray. besides, how did people describe something that was blacker than black before jets were invented?

*******

what? the ‘jet’ part is referring to a type of glossy black stone called jet?
oh.
that makes more sense. thanks dictionary!

******

did anyone else grow up thinking that Raggedy Ann and Andy were little clown children, only to find later that they were not human at all but were in fact, rag dolls?

*****

was anyone else afraid of the kite-eating tree in the Peanuts cartoons?

****

i am not a fan of mint flavored things. i prefer cinnamon.

***

i haven’t had a beer since last saturday.

**

i downloaded a Pearl Jam song yesterday and never listened to it. i must go do that.

*

i hear you call my name and it feels like home.

1.06.05

from this site i found out about this and i think it’s a great idea so i think i too, shall try to read 50 books in 2005 and blog about them. seeing as how there’s only going to be 52 weeks this year (hee) that sounds like a really difficult thing to accomplish. but i’m going to make it easier on me. ‘cos i’m going to count my Cabinet magazines and Granta, seeing as how they are fairly bookish (in size) and i read them cover to cover. and seeing as how they are quarterly journal or whatnot, that will only count as 8 books so don’t be a whiner about this, okay?

books i plan on reading:
house of leaves by MZD. again. i know. shut up.
dante’s inferno the hollanders’ translation
jonathan strange and mr. norrell by susanna clarke (i cannot get into this book! rgh!)
a couple of god books laura gave me
beowulf the heaney trans.
the newer patricia cornwell scarpetta novel. trace? something.

*****

two days ago i had a dream that my friends and i went to an art museum, and while i was there i picked up a brochure about the exhibit we were seeing (can’t remember what it was) and then we went out to the parkinglot and smoked. as i was smoking my cigarette i noticed that it tasted not like tobacco but more like poison and metal. i looked down and oh my gosh! it was a crackpipe! “oh my god! you guys! we’re smoking crack! where did we get crack?! holy shit! i took a hit off a crackpipe! what is going to happen to me?! did you know this was crack?!” i freaked out. my friends took it a lot better. “really? huh.” and “i thought these cigarettes tasted funny.” (that one was danny. yes, laugh. because that is SO funny.) well, i thought i’d get really high or something, but in the dream nothing really happened except i got these bumps all over my face, and my friends told me they were called crack bumps, and then the dream skips to a week later when i’m opening up my mail. i got a letter from the museum and it says that i’ve been fired because i failed a drug test. i was outraged.
“what?! i worked there?! i didn’t know i had a job at the museum!!! drug test?! you’re kidding me!! goddamn crack!”

1.05.05
a new weekly!

also: hello kitty tattoo!

reefer log:
cats called pickle
irish saying fart wav
pickle’s book
www.wetpantyporn.com
antimatter bomb&location
pickle battery light
cell phone motorola unable to charge
eurotrip fboys porn site
download ron burgundy wav
hello kitty bedroom stuff
pickle’s work
naked pictures of old ladies
free pu$$y
loretta lynn grammies
pictures of naked old ladies

welldone, internet. you idiot.

1.04.05
true story.
i made a friend today at the library.
as i was filling out an information card at the library today (for my avl library card. dumbest thing ever. just gimmie a password and we’ll move on, okay? don’t try to make this all cool and official, it’s a database not government secrets. idiotas!). and there’s this mom and kid standing next to me checking out some books. the little boy says, “hi.”
i look over to see if he’s talking to me and he was looking at me so i guess he was talking to me so i say, “hey.”
“what’s your name?”
“my name is jaimie. what’s yours?”
“ethan.”
“well, hi ethan. nice to meet you.”
“nice to meet you too.”

and i go back to filling out the “tedious” info card.

“friends?” he asks.
the hell? is he asking if we can be friends? i’ll never see this kid ever again. oh what the hey.
“of course.” i reply.
back to the info card.

“i’m seven years old.”
“really? wow. you’re pretty tall for seven.”
“yeah. i’m the tallest person at my school.”

it was here that the mom finally said something. “come on it’s time to go.” she grabbed his hand and they walked to the exit.

“bye, jaimie!” he said and waved.

huh. this kid is odd. “bye, ethan!” i replied. waving like a dork.

it was a really sweet moment and i thought about it all day.

but also? it’s crazy. because things like that happen to me all the time WHEN I AM ALONE. except this time the librarian was there to witness it. but i don’t think she cared. i think she was pissed that we were talking in our regular voices and not our Library Voices. however, she should know that 7 year olds DO NOT HAVE A LIBRARY VOICE. so while his mom was dragging him out of the library his, “BYE, JAIMIE!” rang throughout the whole ‘brary. heh.

point of interest (but not really): while i was thinking about this incident all day long, i kept thinking of the dialogue. it was so short and sweet and it had just enough non sequitur in it that it reminded me of the stupid dialogue they teach you in your high school spanish class. (did your class have those audio tapes? with those cheesey voices? and the whole time you’re listening to Manuel y Julio (or whoever) you KNOW that that is not how they really talk. because IN NO LANGUAGE OR CULTURE has anyone ever said, “hello my name is Manuel. this is my blue pen and red book. would you like to walk in the garden?” so you don’t pay attention to the lessons because, hello, these people are stupid small sentence talkers and why is it that they act like wrestling is a real sport? but you managed to get a B in the class despite your stupid high school brain, and it’s only years later that you can truly appreciate the humor of:

“hola.”
“hola.”
“como te llamas?”
“me llamo jaimie. y tu?”
“me llamo ethan. amigos?”
“por supuesto!”
“soy siete años.”
“¿verdad? usted es alto.”
“si. soy el mas alto en la escuela.”
“adios, jaimie!”
“adios, ethan.”

this entry seemed too long for the blog yet too short for a weekly.

1.03.05
still working at The House. it’s sad and depressing. we hate it now, more than last week.
dad says, “jaimie, please fire me.”
“what? oh. am i Boss this week?”
“yeah.”
“i hate being Boss.”
“me too.”
“well, Mr. Pickle, i’ve been reading through your file, and i’m afraid i’ve got some bad news.”
“i’m fired?”
“worse, you’ve been promoted to Boss.”
“NOOOOOoooooooo!”

1.02.05
i’m sure you’re all wondering what i did for New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day.
no?
really?
okay then.

on NYD i hung around the duplex all day and did silly things like straighten up the house a bit, read, and download songs. dad came over and attached my BRAND NEW can opener to the bottom of my cabinet (it’s a SPACE SAVER KIND OF CAN OPENER. GLORY! NO LONGER WILL I HAVE TO USE MY SWISS ARMY KNIFE TO OPEN MY DELICIOUS CANS OF SPAGHETTI O’S. MY FRIENDS LOVE ME SO MUCH THEY BOUGHT ME A CAN OPENER FOR CHRISTMAS. WHY I HADN’T BOUGHT ONE BEFORE THAT, THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.) and then he put up a ceiling fan in my kitchen. which means i have REAL LIGHT in my kitchen now. it’s so bright and wonderful. i can see all the dirt now. long story short: the electricians had originally installed a fluorescent light in the kitchen. it didn’t work very well. it mainly just blinked and flickered and made the house look haunted. so i got a free ceiling fan from some awesome friends, but i needed some kind of “magic bracket” to hang it and i didn’t have one but i did have another light fixture that dad put up for me until i got a “magic bracket” (kris bought one for me.), but it was a hall light kind of fixture meaning it put out like 4 lumens. very not bright at all. but now? the fan is up. my kitchen is well-lit. the earth? she spins.

so dad borrowed a ladder and was off to help someone else install something. when he brought the ladder back later that day, he saw laura and i going through her old Barbies and Jem dolls. also, i was juggling with my awesome juggle clubs.

other things that was going on around the duplii: kris and zach were putting tile in brad&cindy’s kitchen, and jimmy, liz, chris, and west were watching THE WHOLE FARKING LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY EXTENDED VERSIONS ON DVD.

later that night i talked to dad to thank him once again for installing my fan and can opener, and he says, “all i know is, i come back with a ladder, and there’s construction going on in one house, a bunch of nerds watching movies all day in another, you and laura are in the middle of the yard playing Barbies and juggling.”
“hmm, just another day on the commune, dad.”
“and? down the street? some guy was about to be arrested by Super Cops.”
“super cops?”
“yeah, they had their sleeves rolled up til they bulged and had on those black gloves.”
“ah, the ‘hold their gun sideways when they point it at the bad guy’ cops.”
“yeah, they looked like they were ready to kick some poor sucker’s ass.”
“wow.”
“i felt like i was in a commercial.”
“yeah! like for Pringles or something! like here we are all doing different things…but we’re all eating Pringles!”
“uh, i was thinking more like for insurance or something. like a whole chain reaction starting with the mild construction and escalating to the movie watchers.”
“oh. i see. yeah. that’s actually pretty good.”
“yeah, but it would be really hard to get it all on the camera, plus noone would believe that the situation could ever happen.”
“why, ‘cos of the Barbies?”
“the whole thing was surreal, jaimie.”
“really? it didn’t seem that weird to me. besides, you played with laura’s Barbies too.”

and he did. he picked up one of the Jem dolls and was all, “what the? this Barbie is purple!”
and laura was like, “yeah that’s a Jem-”
“what, is she like, New Orleans Whore Barbie?”
“dad-”
then he talks in a muppety girl voice, “hey mista, for twenty-five dolla i do whateva you want.”
“dad, no. put the doll down.”

Dear Reality T.V.,

Sitting on a goldmine over here!

Call me,

JP

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