December 2004 Dribblings

Category: dribblings

12.31.04
laura made up these questions and is making all of us (cowboy, FA, this means you.) answer them because she hates us so much. it’s some kind of Year Review for 2004 Type Thing. isn’t she clever?

I freaked out the most this year when: some people who i don’t even know that well accused me of drinking too much/having a drinking problem/whatever, but not to my face. in fact, i still freak out about it when i think about it.

Best TV show I discovered this year: um, may i be exempt from this question? if i have to answer i guess i’d pick Good Eats with Alton Brown.

Favorite book I read this year: House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski

Favorite movie I saw this year: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy what can i say, i am simple.

Biggest cinematic letdown: Meet the Fockers this movie? was not funny.

The earth spins backwards: when Lois Lane died and Superman ‘fixed it’. (laura, what does this question mean?)

The earth rights itself on its axis: harlem globetrotter style on god’s finger. (also, ???)

Things I am most pleased to have done this year: learn how to juggle clubs. (!!!) yay!

The thing that changed the most about me this year: i lost faith in the united states of ‘merka.

Why 2004 should burn in hell: because of all the physical pain i endured from february to september when they finally ripped my gall bladder out of my body and then charged me a fortune for doing so.

Bodily organ I’d rather have removed than live through this year again: no! no organ removal! non! nyet! stop! get away from me with that scalpel and assless gown! help! i’m being repressed!

Thing I’d most like to use to anally rape 2004: a cat, doctor, and/or the neighbors across the skreet.

Regrets? i’ve had a few.
but then again…

12.30.04
okay, so someone out there is a hilarious comedian. i checked the Reefer Log to see how the Hello Kitty Tattoo thing was going and i find that one of you searched for ‘here comes pickle with a sack of fleegan’. (i’m looking at you, OT. you may not have been the one who did it, but you probably did. if not, you should have.) but thank you so much because it made me laugh. and i really needed that laugh. also, your blog/journal/diary/whathaveyou has been one of my favorite things to read IN THE WHOLE WORLD, and i’ll tell you why. you talk about orgasms and masturbation and i find it refreshing that you come up with things like ‘free pussy preparation’, masturhation, etc.

and? i totally want to have the OT Quote of the Day on my website. because you, OT, have the guts to say things like, “i was surpassed cos i’m not dangling a penis around and/or have my obsessive abilities focused on being the world champion of arkanoid. it’s all a sham.” and most recently, “i want to come home to hot meal and a clean house, and i want to beat my wife and move back to alabama and dream of “big city nights”.”

you have the best sentences.
</gushing>

****

oh my gosh. on iTunes you can get Wave of Mutilation-Best of the Pixies for $9.99….and you get all 23 songs! never has iTunes been that nice to me. in fact, usually iTunes is a total whore. case in point: i wanted to download the Essential Ozzy which has like, 30-something songs maybe? and i thought for sure i’d get some kind of “deal”. no. it was a purchase By Song Only. what? hey, iTunes, if i wanted to pay retail i’d pay retail. goat farkers.

reefer log:
olympus excersise bike
peanut butter and jelly that’s what i like in my
bedroom doors made in pickle color
here comes pickle with a sack of shit (ha)
here comes pickle with a sack of fleegans
Triscuit Rosemary and Olive Oil (mmm. i love those)
mortal kombat hotaru pictures
mortal kombat baraka kontroller

12.29.04
i wanted to keep the FREE MARTHA header up until martha got out of Rich People’s Prison, but then laura made me this awesome wookie header so there you go. when it comes to martha vs. wookie, i guess chewie wins.

*****

mom bought me some new coveralls for christmas because my other pair was really cheesy looking and also is covered in paint. i like the old ones because, well, they’re cheesy. they are lightweight too. mom got me the industrial ones. she wanted to get me the new ones so bad. she was so excited. so pleased to be able to find some that were short enough for me. so happy about the coveralls she is.

i look like Captain Super Dyke in them.

if i don’t use them it will break her heart.

i mean, even if i had long hair i would look like Captain Super Dyke in these things.
what would CSD’s super power be?

12.28.04

okay here we go. an experiment.
i have gotten way too many hits for Hello Kitty Tattoos lately. i don’t know why. i blame the internet and george w. bush. ‘cos lord knows that when clinton was in office i had not nary a hit for Hello Kitty Tattoos. so i told laura that she should put the words Hello Kitty Tattoo on her website to see if she got a bazzilion hits too. she came up with a better idea.
why not make a real page about Hello Kitty Tattoos and see how many hits it gets?

see, this is why laura is Costello and i’m Abbot. also, because she’s taller. and she’s not that funny.
hee.

so here’s the deal. any time i type Hello Kitty Tattoo it’ll be a link to the imaginary (yet real) Hello Kitty Tattoo page. sounds fun don’t it?

i’m thinking that this experiment will CHANGE THE WORLD.

*****

the other day Popsicle and i were listening to the radio and a local commercial for a church i’ve never heard of came on. this is not a strange thing seeing as how you cannot sling a dead wookie without hitting a church in this town/county/state. thing is, there was a lot of construction noise going on so Popsicle didn’t hear the commercial very well.
“jaimie, did they say Nolan Ryan Baptist Church?”
“what? oh my god. no, but i wish they had.”
“well, what did they say?”
“oh my gosh that is so funny! ‘come worship with the Ryan Express this sunday! don’t forget, Brother Ryan will be signing autographs after the service, for a love offering of course!'”
“heh.”
“and instead of communion waffers he uses Advil with the wine. oops, i mean grape juice. silly baptists.”
“oh yeah, he did hawk Advil didn’t he? well, what was the church’s name?”
“i shouldn’t tell you. because Nolan Ryan Baptist Church is so much better. you’ll be so disappointed.”
“jaimie-”
“ok fine. Goldenrod.”
“oh. yeah, that is disappointing.”

i hope that someday someone finds this site by googling Nolan Ryan Baptist Church. i think that would make my day.

12.27.04
the Reefer Log has been flooded with the same stoopid drivel. things like:
pickle poptarts
why do i smell like a pickle
a certain cartoon tattoo that shall go unnamed from now on (HKT) etc, etc.

but, the best search of all was:
here comes fatty with a sack of shit

i kid you not. and i have been saying that over and over in my head for two days. i say it when i answer the phone, i say it when the cat comes into the room, i sing it, i rap it in the shower, i sing it opera style, i say it with a british accent, jamaican accent, irish accent, german accent, french accent, italian-american gangster accent, and? i’ve turned it into a gregorian chant.

here comes fatty with a sack of shit

i told my dad about it. he was all, “is that on your site? did you actually say that?”
“no. never.”
“well, what does it mean?”
“i dunno. i kinda thought they meant santa claus.”

12.26.04
do you have a website?
do you want massive hits for your site?
then i suggest having the words “hell0 k1tty tatt00” somewhere on your site. only without the one and zeros.

*****

i saw a preview for the 3rd (6th?) star wars movie. this one might not be so bad ‘cos it’s got the real darth vader and wookies. lots of wookies. like remember how many ewoks there were? that’s how many wookies. maybe more.
my god, the wookies.

instead of “need more cowbell” it’s “need more wookies”.

wookie love.

wookie.

12.24.04
christmas eve! yay!

my cat is such a narcissist. there’s this mirror thing that’s been on the floor (leaning against the wall) in my room for a couple of months. i just haven’t figured out where to hang it yet. that silly cat goes to that mirror ALL THE TIME and just stares at herself. for long minutes.

12.23.04
i woke up this morning confused.
why is there a dirty sock in my mouth? and why do my ribs hurt? who beat the crap outta me? was i in a fight last night? i’m assuming the cat won.

i went to the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. first i noticed that only one eye would open, and it was quite squinty. i guess i slept on one side of my face for the whole night because one ear was plugged up (damn my ears. so faulty.) and my hair looked like i had styled it with some elmer’s glue and a mitre saw. oh god. the wine.

well, it’s good to know that 3 glasses of wine is all it takes to kill me. damn you, gall bladder. do you remember how many glasses of wine i had at liz’z wedding? do you? i had like, all of them. and i didn’t feel nearly as homeless as i did this morning after having 3 glasses last night. 3! and the first one was like, barely half full! so it was more like 2 and one half glasses of fermented grape poison.

i’ve never had a headache like this before. also, my ribs hurt. wha’ happened?

when i went to work this morning i was a zombie but we totally managed to paint the apartment in record time. i’m just that good. about an hour into work dad was all, “what’s the matter with you?” and i was all, “i’m hungover.”
“really?”
*sigh* “yeah. wine.”
“what were you guys celebrating last night?”
“celebrating?”
“yeah.”
“um. we were celebrating….dinnertime?”
“oh.”
“yeah. kinda impromptu.”
“everyone?”
“most everyone.”
“yikes.”
“i know. and on a wednesday night. we all had to get up and work today. i hope everyone else is doing okay.”

when we came back to my place at lunchtime i said, “uh oh.”
“what?”
“laura’s car is home.”
“did she have the day off?”
“i don’t think so.”
“ohh.”
“yeah. poor thing.”

note to selves: DON’T DRINK THAT MUCH WINE ON A WEEK NIGHT. WHAT? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE STILL YOUNG? YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE OLD. AND YOU CAN’T GET AWAY WITH IT ANYMORE. SAVE IT FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS.

12.22.04
update: i had a some wine. and so i went to itunes and Heart has 2 new albums. one is christmas songs and one is regular songs. and then i saw an old album and was looking at the old album and then i saw that they do an version of Stairway to Heaven.

how did i not know that they did a version of Stairway?! me??! the last Heart fan on the face of the planet (my group of friends). i feel so bad for not knowing that.

she sounds just like robert plant doesn’t she?

****

would anyone care to have lunch with me today? you see, i have the day off, and i’m treating myself to a delectable lunch. something delicious. something decadent. i’m going to spoil myself. it is the holidays and all, and heaven knows i don’t spoil myself nearly as much as i should.

but oh wait, i’m having an awesome dinner tonight. a dinner that i don’t have to cook. it’s a chicken dish and promises to be the most wonderful thing i’ve put in my mouth all week. so i suppose my suitably wonderful lunch should not include chicken. i guess i should have a light lunch then. but wait, i want to spoil myself! i know i deserve a scrumtrelescent lunch, something positively divine!

you really should have lunch with me. it’s going to be thumbsucking good. i promise.
what’s that? it’s 2pm? you’ve already eaten lunch?
that’s too bad. i guess i’ll just have to eat my fabulous lunch all by myself. and since it’s just me i suppose i won’t eat at the table because, well, it’s just me. that’s okay. i’ll eat at my mouth-watering lunch at the computer.
oh? what am i having? well, i’ve decided on pasta with a mild tomato sauce and a light red wine. mmmm, sounds good doesn’t it?


hee.

what? oh sure, like i’m the only one?
yeah ok. the cat didn’t think it was funny either.


vous avez gaspillé un Beaujolais sur la Spaghetti O’s ?
vous êtes une abomination !

i hate when she yells at me in french.

12.21.04
i did a smidgeon of christmas shopping today. for jimmy. i went to 2 walmarts, kmart, a furniture store and finally big lots before i found the thing i was looking for. if you know this town and those stores then you know that i made a giant circle of the county (excepting southside). geezy peezy. all for one present! what could it be?! it’s probably something really great!
like those spinning hubcaps! sweet!

i only got to see jimmy for 10 seconds today. i miss him. does that make me a mushy-hearted fleegan? ‘cos i usually think of myself as hard-hearted and not very needy. perhaps i am only fooling myself here. but probably not. i am cruel and heartless, and these foreign emotions must be from all the sugar i ate today. except that i really am just fooling myself and i actually do have real feelings as i am no longer a wooden puppet but was turned into a real girl when i stopped telling all those lies. and i just miss jimmy, okay? i think that’s okay.

okay?

okay.

*****

we had the Holy House Christmas party this evening. mom came with dad and me, and all the old ladies in the lobby bragged about me to her as if i was this awesome thing that mom had never met before. one of the ladies said, “is that the girl that had the green hair?!” and then she kissed me on the cheek. as did several other biddies. my number one fans.

in other old people news, laura’s gramma called me today. she’s probably the sweetest lady in the world. she has a great deep south accent/drawl and everything sounds quaint when she says it, whether she’s talking about food, furniture or yeast infections, it all sounds so nice.

old people love me.

12.20.04
the Hardwood Floor Men are going to be working at The House. meaning that dad and i cannot go back until the monday after Christmas.

YAY! YAY! TATDOW!

there’s a guy, named alan, that works for the contractor. he is from Trinidad. so he’s got this carribbean/jamaican accent. and it started snowing the other day (nothing serious. it didn’t stick or anything. it was cool to watch but also it meant that it was really cold out. too cold, really.) and alan said, “da weathermon, he get it wrong and steel he get a check.” so funny.
and true.

12.19.04
so tired. no time for brogging. so here’s what’s been in the Reefer Log lately:

dentist
it was the best of times
pitchers of pickle
pickle color page
christmas song lalalalalalala
jimmy pickle*
baby jesus pickle cry**
toonces t-shirt
pickle’s book***
product to cover painting mistakes call kills
stuff about number 206****
gay lion king*****
christmas pickle paper
i’m getting nothing for christmas (there were several of those. whack.)
funny wine art clips
why do sandwiches come with a pickle******
pickle smell not wanted in home
pickle battery lemon battery*******
worlds most large pickle in snaps********
get over here wav mortal kombat

and there were half a million for the hello k1tty tattoo, mortal kombat, hotaru, and all the regular pickle stuff.

*hee
**huh?
***this one was from google japan and it’s weird
****206? um, aren’t there 206 bones in the human body?
*****like there’s any other kind?
******because pickles are refreshing.
*******i think i know what you are talking about but, i’m not telling you about the pickle battery.
********in snaps? world’s largest, sorry, most large pickle? snaps? most large? i don’t…nothing. i’ve got nothing here.

the internet is stupid.

12.18.04
21 days in a row we’ve worked on The House. it’s now to the point where i don’t just hate it with every inch of my soul, but just being there makes my body physically ill. also, depression. i want to cry.
are we close to finishing? no way. i bet we’ll be there for AT LEAST two more weeks.

so far? we have used 6 gallons of trim paint. do you understand the horribleness of that? do you?! that means that we’ve used 6 gallons on baseboards, crown moulding, doors and windows ALONE.
AND WE HAVEN’T PAINTED ALL THE TRIM YET. THERE ARE STILL DOORS TO BE PAINTED. AND WINDOWS. MY GOD, THE WINDOWS.

12.17.04
new weekly

12.16.04
i’m working on a Weekly.

12.15.04
okay it’s like this. dad and i worked at The House for half a day, and while at lunch we decided we had been working way too hard on a project that seems the more we paint the more there is to paint. we’ve worked 18 straight days. it’s stupid. so we decided to give ourselves the afternoon off. i was so excited because my house is a wreck.

so when i got home today at 1pm this is what i did:

i vacuumed
did the litterbox
went to the grocery store
cleaned the kitchen, hall, and bathroom floors (on my knees! i have no mop. get a mop, fool.)
bathroom! cleaned it! tub! sink! (i did the toilet yesterday evening)
took a shower
did the dishes (finally!)
cleaned the coffee maker
counter!
cleaned out the fridge!
took out two sacks of garbage!
yay! garbage is gone!
made RCTs!

and now the clock says 4:58pm.
i am a domestic goddess.

12.14.04
today i made a scrumtrelescent supper of velveeta shells and cheese. for some reason mr. fleegan doesn’t mind when we just have mac&cheese for supper, and in fact, requests it very often. i usually mind because it seems like cheating in that
A. it’s so easy and
B. there’s no protien

and though it’s delicious, i just hate that we’re basically adult versions of 8th grade latchkey kids.

only now i don’t have to sneak sips of peach schnapps.

12.13.04
have i mentioned The House?
have i mentioned that i Hate It?
have i mentioned that there is No Escape?*

*remember that movie with Ray Liotta? i do. they were prisoners and were sent to live on an island. and then there was a war for some reason. i remember at one point Ray Liotta screams out, “you want it?!….come and get it!!!” but i can’t remember what he’s yelling about. yay!

****

hi. i’m an idiot.
lately i’ve been eating my dinner way too fast. what happens is i get home from The House and i DO NOT EAT A SNACK, but i do take a shower. then i wait for Mr. Fleegan to come home. eventually one of us come up with something for dinner. then we eat dinner and i proceed to scarf the meal like i think someone is going to take it away from me. so far, no one has actually tried to take my meal away. so i’m not sure why i keep eating dinner like a gross hog.

apparently i am hungry like the wolf, no?

but then, near the end of the meal when i’m slowing down, comes the unfun part. the part where my stomach starts hurting and i feel not quite heartburny, but not quite unheartburny either. there’s not gas (yet) but there is a pressure in my chest. i’m not going to throw up (yet) but i could throw up if i wanted to. basically i have just made myself miserable because
A. i REFUSE to eat a snack before dinner* and
B. i eat like a refugee.

*”before dinner” means from the time i get home until i eat dinner. this could be anywhere from one and a half to five hours. i cannot seem to break myself of this NO SNACKS BEFORE DINNER OR GOD WILL KILL YOU mentality. it is so ingrained that i don’t even think about it. it’s just something that doesn’t happen. the only time** i think about it is when i’m sitting here bloatedly acidic and miserable. only then do i say, “why did i let myself get so hungry that i ate like some kind of feral beast? why didn’t i just have a snack when i got home? why are you so oblivious?”

**occassionally LBC catches me saying something like, “gosh i’m kinda hungry-” and she’ll immediately interrupt me with, “don’t you even! just go in the kitchen right now and eat something. bread. something.”
“but-”
“i don’t want to hear it!”
“you don’t know what i was going to say!”
“you were going to say that it’s too close to suppertime for a snack. well, it’s not. handful of crackers. do it.”

but you know what’s crazy? on the odd occassion that i do have a snack? i feel like i’m getting away with something. like i’m a kid and i’m eating dessert first or whatnot.

hi. i’m an idiot.

another problem with snacking is that i don’t buy any snacky foods at the store. sometimes i buy chips. there is microwave popcorn but that is for watching movies! i haven’t bought any cookies in forever. my grocery list is usually
1. something for dinner
2. pop
3. poptarts

sometimes i get
4. cereal and milk
5. can of speghetti o’s.

eggs. i can never remember to get eggs. you know why? because Giant Johnson’s Food hides the eggs in this weird place. i call it the Egg Grotto.

wow. i am totally rambly today, huh?

12.12.04
today is mom’s b’day.

there are a lot of people out there searching for “hello kitty tattoo”.

Dear Kids Searching For Hello Kitty Tattoo and Finding My Website Instead:

I’m sorry. I have no idea how this happened. All I know for sure is that the Internet is stoopid. Also, please do not get a Hello Kitty Tattoo. I’m fairly certain you will regret it 15 years from now. Oh sure, it’s cute and all. But i’m thinking that the Hello Kitty is not a timeless design.

On the other hand, naked mermaids and flaming skulls? Timeless.

Just a little tip from Auntie Jaimie.

Love,

Auntie Jaimie

****

also? someone searched for ‘antimatter bomb’.

Dear FBI,

Get on this.

Thanks,

JP

12.11.04
i do not have a life anymore. what life i had has now been consumed by The House. we have been painting at The House for two weeks. i’m talking 14 days in a row. i’m talking about after church, you get your ass to The House and you paint.

someone. anyone. please come and kill me in my sleep. so i won’t have to paint The House anymore.

12.09.04
i finally, finally, finally canceled my ISP. it only took two weeks for me to move my cheese.
i think i’m improving.

*****

so i was reading this book. i’m ashamed of it so i won’t tell you the title. anyway i was enjoying it very much but it was rather long and oddly enough i did not finish it by the due date and took it back to the RBCPL* today. i was sad that i didn’t finish it, but also, i wasn’t excited enough to recheck it. besides, it was a new release and maybe someone was waiting for it and now they will get to read it.

the book was pretty great and interesting. it was science-y and art history-y and no it was not The Da Vinci Code, jerk. but it was written by the same guy. SHAME!

the only problem (actually there were several) i had with the book was that each chapter was a cliffhanger of ridiculousness. i mean, yes, a chapter ending should probably be a cliffhanger or cliffhanger-esque, that totally makes sense. but this book? was like:
OH MY GOD. THAT MUCH ANTIMATTER COULD BLOW UP A CITY!

OH MY GOD. THE ANTIMATTER BOMB WAS STOLEN! WHO WOULD DO THAT?!

OH MY GOD. THE ANTIMATTER BOMB IS HIDDEN IN VATICAN CITY?!

ILLUMINATI?!

OH MY GOD. THIS GUY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT ART HISTORY.

OH MY FLOPPING GOD.

THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE CARDINALS? WHO WILL BE ELECTED POPE?!

THE POPE DIDN’T DIE? YOU MEAN…HE WAS MURDERED?!!?!?!!?!?!

HE’S THE POPE’S SON?!

see what i mean? it became tiresome and boring. and? by page 346 i didn’t care what happened to any of the characters or Vatican City.

*LBC they have another new vampire hunter book! ever since you gave them the other two books and i told them that they didn’t have the whole series they’ve since bought three more! hee! if they only knew how porny they are! SCANDALOUS! why, whut would the juniah league say? it was called incubus something.

12.08.04
HA! BOOYAH! TATDOW!
what did i tell ya? i said GO OUT AND BUY LORRETTA LYNN’S VAN LEAR ROSE, DIDN’T I?
and now? it’s been nominated for 5 grammies. because it’s SO AWESOME.

and? if you were cool? you’d have that album by now.
oh? what’s that? your friend was supposed to burn you a copy? but she keeps forgetting and keeps leaving it in the car? the car, by the way, that is 30 feet away from the very spot she’s typing this? wow. you sure have a lazy friend don’t you?

*****

referer log mayhem:
text file japanese opentextfile
woof i’m getting nothing for christmas song
hello kitty tattoo
picture of mr. pickle*
shujinko means**
pretty bare feet
so scrumtrelescent i can barely move***
save the pickle shirt
pickle smell in my house
fleegan pickle
why does house smell like pickles
pickle pops
peanut butter and jelly that’s what i like in my tummy song
christmas pickle color page
pickle sonic bible****
the song pickle man that makes in fun of spiderman*****

*you want a picture of my dad? freak.
**shujinko probably means goober. or moron. or idiot. or best lucky stupid head.
***do you know how pleased i am that someone searched for scrumtrelescent and found this site?
****i don’t knon what a pickle sonic bible is, but i’m pretty sure i want one.
*****i just…y’know, i’m not sure about this one. “makes in fun of”.

*****

today, this morning, i wanted to know the temperature so i went to www.weather.com only i spelled it www.waether.com and while it was loading i said, “damn,” ‘cos i had misspelled it. to my great surprised it loaded as www.weather.com.

Dear Weather.com,

I know you think you are helping people by being so convenient that you actually think for them. However, I think you should reevaluate the situation. Do we really need more people out there misspelling words and not being punished for it? The punishment in this case being a File 404 Page Not Found, see it’s nothing so bad. Just a little hint to the person to let him/her know that something is wrong, and that maybe they should check the address again. That way maybe we won’t have a pantload of lazy chuckleheads out there misspelling weather and thinking it’s okay to do so, because you know, you’ll fix it for them.

What I’m trying to say is, YOU DON’T HAVE TO CODDLE US. WE HAVE BRAINS. EVENTUALLY WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT. STOP TRYING TO ANTICIPATE OUR MISTAKES. WE LEARN FROM THEM.

Love,
Jaimie Pickle

so i kept saying waether all day long. way-ther. waaaaether. like it’s welsh or something. waetyllwywdyfyn.

12.07.04
this job is trying to kill me. 10 hour work day? what the?

my back! ow!

jimmy was massaging my back (mostly the right shoulder blade, what is up, shoulder blade?) and i was making noises like,

ow.
ow.
OW.
OW!
hey ow!
that hurts!
OW STOP!
why did you stop?
OW!
yeah.
YEAH! OW!
YEAH THAT’S IT!
RIGHT THERE!
OW!
THERE! YES! AH OW!
YEAH! YEAH! KILL IT!
KILL IT! KILL IT!

i wonder if liznchris heard? and if so, what they thought.

jimmy was laughing. but when i got to the KILL IT! part, he was like, “you’re crazy.”

also, laura! i totally had your dinner last night! because i worked late, jimmy brought me a plate of dinner that his mom made. i had
meatloaf
smashed potatoes
cornbread (???)
pinto beans
english peas
mac&cheese
cookies

OMG! so much food! i couldn’t eat it all! and i was STARVING. i ate with my mouth open! also, i ate it cold because i was THAT FLOPPINGLY HUNGRY.

12.06.04
we had breakfast for dinner this evening. scrambled eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, and a roll (i didn’t have any biscuits). then we made rice crispy treats for dessert.

if i had known how easy it is to make RCTs i would be as big as a house by now. the only thing keeping me from eating the whole pan of smarshmellowy goodness is the giant body guard i hired to keep me away from the RCTs. his name is Vinnie.

*****

i have to confess that i’ve been calling more and more things douche bags. i don’t understand this. this is not me.
things that have been a douche bag recenty:
the cat
the owner of the silver car that parked in the driveway blocking the WHOLE ENTRANCE
the computer
the shower
the jeep (no baby, you know i didn’t mean it.)
the alarm clock
me (for forgetting to buy toilet paper at the store)
the weather
bills
the carpenters at the house we’re working at

things that have not been a douche bag recently:
my blueberry cinderella chapstick.
liznchris (they made truffles and brought some over. TO. DIE. FOR. so good with coffee)
RCTs
Triscuit® Rosemary and Olive Oil crackers
my new cell phone (give it two years)
did i mention the truffles?

12.05.04
i do not hate christmas songs. for some reason.
i actually like them. most of them.

it seems that each christmas season i’ll hear a christmas song and it will strike a chord in me (what?) and that will be my favorite christmas song for that season and i’ll listen to it all the time. why? i don’t know. it just happens.
three years ago it was Little Drummer Boy. leetle drummer boy.
two years ago it was O, Holy Night.
last year was was Carol of the Bells. it’s so manic.
this year? i am ashamed. there seem to be two. Ave Maria and Do You Hear What I Hear?
the first one i’m blaming on the catholic channel. the second one? i can only blame myself. i have loved that song ever since i first heard it in the traditional christmas movie Gremlins. remember? one of the gremlins turns on the record player and that song comes on and the mom is all, “what the? is someone in the house?” and goes around with a knife in her hand looking for the intruder. and then she kills some gremlins in various ways (blender. microwave.).
great movie. great song. and this is the first year that i’ve downloaded a version of it and listened to it a billion times. but which version am i listening to? the classic Bing Crosby one that everyone loves? sadly, no. but i do like that one too. i got the linda eder version. and here i confess to you: it is so cheesy. and i love it. because. i am a dork.
it’s got like, these drums? and this african-american choir? and it’s like if a gay Lion King arranged it?

feel free to stone me. i deserve it.

12.04.04
i went to my local T Mobile store to get a new cell phone. when i walked in i noticed that there were three young dudes working and two of them were with this lady with a loud voice who seemed to be bossing them around. hm, i thought, she must be the manager. so the one guy starts helping me out and the lady (who is at the back of the store, but i can here her at the front) says, “thanks, y’all!” and leaves.

so the guy who is helping me out looks over at his buddies and they all kind of groan and mumble about the lady (who apparently, was a customer and not the manager. yikes) so i chuckle because i remember those kind of people from the sign shop. so one guy says, “hey man, if you need to go smoke a cig, go ahead. she was crazy. i know you’ve gotta be craving a cigarette.” and the guy responds with, “hell, she’d make the surgeon general want a cigarette!”

i laughed. i couldn’t help it.

and then it took all of two minutes for me to get a new phone. so easy. so painless. so not like the last time, which i thought i wrote a Weekly about, but i guess i didn’t. just know that if i told you the long story of getting my second phone, you wouldn’t even believe me, ‘cos it’s just that stupid. unless of course you too tried to get a new cell phone from T Mobile in 2002. or maybe it was still VoiceStream at the time. i can’t remember when they were bought out.
point is: it was hell, and also it was ridiculous.

12.03.04
my cell phone is being a douche bag. (honestly, i never use that word! i don’t know what has gotten into me. it’s kinda embarrassing.)
it won’t charge anymore.
so i’m getting a new one.

i know what you’re thinking. “gosh jaimie, you give birth to a cow just thinking about calling your ISP to cancel the service, but getting a new cell phone (especially after what it took to get that cell phone 2 years ago. all those phone calls and problems, oy!) is no problem for you? what’s up with that?”

well, actually my cell phone has been a giant douche bag for almost 6 months. so the fact that i’m just now getting pissed to the point of getting a new one should tell you something about my cheese moving skills.

listen World, quit. moving. my cheese.

so the battery will not take a charge and the dance has gone something like this for the last 4 months.

the phone blinks ‘low battery’ and beeps every minute.
i plug in the charger.
‘unable to charge’ *bleepeep*
“what?”
unplug charger.
‘low battery’ *beep*
“d’oh!”
plug in charger.
‘unable to charge’ *bleepeep*
“what!”
unplug charger.
‘low battery’
“i know, you-”
*beep*
“why are you so-”
the phone dies completely and shuts off.
i plug in the charger.
the phone cuts on. and does the Motorola Start-up Thing.
‘unable to charge’ *bleepeep*
“NO!”
unplug.
‘lowbattery’ *beep*
“stupid japanese piece of-”
it dies.
plug.
Motorola Start-up Thing.
‘unable to charge’ *beep*
“WHY?! WHY NOT CHARGE? WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT IT, HUH? JUST CHARGE, YOU PHONE HOLE!”
unplug.
‘low battery’
“this? is getting old.”
*beep*
“DIE!”

it goes on for 10 minutes. then? it finally starts charging.
the fact that i haven’t thrown it out the window or at the cat just shows you how patient i can be. at times.

well GOOD-BYE Moto!

12.02.04
i am now pickle at fleegan dot com (does it really keep spam away when you spell it out like that?). so e-mail me there. or use the gmail. i don’t care.
remember that’s fleegan.com with pickle@ in front of it. stoopid spam!

the cat is being a douche bag. i don’t normally refer to things as “douche bags” (unless they are in fact, douche bags) but this time i’ll make an exception. she’s trying to
A. be everywhere at once
B. fit into the smallest place she can find (behind the computer monitor. get off the desk, now!)
C. type.
D/ghirowWfu9bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
E. kill a plastic grocery bag
F. drive me crazy.

******

had a dentist appointment today. it was more horrible than usual. she hurt me. she hurt me bad. it went like this:
scrape scrape water air vacuum
scrape scrape water air vacuum
scrape scrape water air vacuum
rinse repeat

for 20 minutes! no lie! no hyperbole!

and the vacuum! was in my mouth! the whole time! she would not! take it out!

she kept apologizing (for the bloodloss) and she even said, “are you mad at me?”
what?
then she says, “hey jaimie, i just thought of something.”
“yeah?”
“yeah. you were always so bad about cringing and moving around in the chair while we cleaned you teeth. but now, look at you! you’re not even blinking or tearing up or moving at all! you are doing so good.”

the hell?

<tangent> i just turned around to check on Toonces Whorecat and she’s laying in the laundry basket on my clean clothes. liznchris? you want a cat? get off, cat!
</tangent>

yes. i’m a bad dental patient, but also? it hurts. and they make my gums bleed. on purpose! that bib they put on you? covered. in bloody bits of nastiness. rinsing my mouth out? looks like i’ve lost a prize fight. and then? after you’ve sliced and diced and polished? you razor-wire floss!

and then you yell at me for not flossing everyday.

well let me tell you something lady.
nobody flosses everyday. and if they tell you they do, they lie. because really, noone flosses every day. i floss. yes, i do. but not everyday. why? because i’m a spoiled american. and we. do not. floss. everyday. and neither do you so get off my spoiled american ass, okay? i live in the greatest country ever invented! and that gives me the right to not floss on mondays, wednesdays and fridays! or whatever! i’ve totally lost my train of thought! are you happy now?! i mean it’s not enough that i worked a tiring job in the cold ass cold all day long but then i gotta go get my teeth “cleaned” and by “cleaned” i mean “worked over something awful” by you and FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GET OUT OF THE LAUNDRY BASKET YOU FARKING BAG OF VOMIT! I WORKED A SLAVE JOB, WENT TO THE DENTIST, TAUGHT AN ART LESSON, DID LAUNDRY, I FINALLY GOT HOME AT 10:30PM AND I HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY-IMEDIAMENTE-IMEE-JEE-MOW PUT MY LAUNDRY AWAY ‘COS YOU WON’T GET YOUR FART-ASS OUT OF THE BASKET LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO FINISH BLOGGING?!
THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN RUSSIA WHO WOULD LOVE YOU.
QUIT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

would anyone like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? the menu is cat and a cheap white. i’m thinking moscato. mmmm, moscato.

12.01.04
as requested by LT, More Reefer Log:
maxi pad
how does shujinko beat tanya*
pickle plate
moly pickle
mk deception ps2 moves
metallica interweb fire bad beer good videos
mortal kombat hotaru pictures mortal kombat fan links**
area 51 demo unlocked
puzzle washer build home plan diy

*i dunno. but when you find out e-mail me fleegan@gmail.com
**why did you put mortal kombat twice in the same search? also, i hate hotaru. he is stupid and wears a stupid outfit. his outfit has flags. what a dumbhole.

okay Mortal Kombatants, go here for cheats and moves and such.

fire bad beer good videos? metallica?
METALLICA!

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