The One About Ayn Rand, Lynn, and Larry

The One About Ayn Rand, Lynn and Larry
April 24, 2007

hi kids,

i know this because i bought several of her books on half.com. i bought the really cheap used ones because i am thrifty like that. i’m not one of those who HAS to have a new book. i love used books. i love used books because sometimes, if you’re lucky, the book will be written in, and i love to see what people write as notes in the margins and things like that.
i’m nosy.

so the other day i was covering a few of my more fragile paperbacks with clear contact paper, a trick from the library, and i ran across one of the Ayn Rand books, The Virtue of Selfishness: A New Concept of Egoism. you can easily see how even the title reads: Permission to Be an Asshole by Ayn Rand, can’t you?

but why am i telling you this?

because at the front of this tiny paperback book, there is an inscription:
To Lynn
From Larry
———-
9 January, 1974

This is a superb
exposition upon the
metaphysics and ethics
of Objectivism;
herein the word “I”
is returned to it’s
rightful place as the
most honorable of words

every time i read that i come up with a different story in my head. first of all, were they married or dating when larry gave this to lynn? for her sake, i hope they were dating. cos seriously? giving someone a book is a huge deal. no, it is.
IT IS.

because it’s not actually a gift unless the person specifically ASKED for that book. and believe me, no one asked for Asshole 101 by Ayn Rand. it’s also a gift if you give them a book by their favorite author. but if you give someone a book that you like? that can go very bad. i will say this though, liznchris have given me books for birthday and christmas presents every year since i don’t remember when, and they always do a fantastic job. and they don’t even read books. i don’t know how they do it. they have Book Mojo and i’m insanely jealous, especially cos i generally pick out a book for myself to read by it’s cover.
I KNOW! SHUT UP!

anyway, back to larry and lynn.

if she was dating larry and he bought that for her, for any reason, i hope it was a huge red flag for her. i hope she went out with her girlfriends a couple days later and was all, “oh you guys! read what larry wrote in this book.”

“i hope you plan on dumping his ass soon.”

“yeah, really lynn, he’s such a square.”

“he can’t be THAT good in bed.”

and truth is, he probably isn’t that good in bed. he probably has Ayn Rand Sex. and if you’ve ever read one of her novels you know exactly what that is. it’s angry, violent, and borderlines on rape. it works in her fiction, oddly enough. so we can write off larry as an uncaring and nonattentive lover. boo, larry.

so here’s what i’m hoping. i hope that they were dating and she finally dumped him and that her friends teased her a lot by bringing up larry. and that’s how they have to say his name, larry. as in, “girl, you have no luck at all, i mean, jeff was bad enough, but remember larry ? god.”

“you have the nerve to tease me? you’re the one who dated larry ! you’ve no room to talk.”

“…and then there was larry. he was horrible in the sack, but i did get him to write my term papers in college.”

“did you ever read that book larry gave you?”
“oh lord, which one?”
“any of them?”
“hell no.”
“what did you do with them?”
“sold them on e-bay.”
“yikes, who would buy that shit?”
“some asshole, i guess.”

and eventually, because that was written in 1974, larry becomes a funny anecdote in lynn’s love life. eventually her friends drop the larry business and he ends up being a “whathisname”.

i just hope they didn’t get married. because lynn deserves better than larry . or does she?

cos see the other story in my head is lynn deserves larry. because maybe, just maybe it’s lynn. yeah, you ever think about that? maybe it’s lynn and larry. and no one likes them. no one. they are The Unlikables. they’ve no friends, but maybe they have like, normal families? like one of them has a too nice brother or sister-in-law so lynn and larry still get invited to a few things. like maybe it goes, “hey trish, i’m having a jewelry party in May and i’m inviting all the girls!”

“oh! that sounds like such fun! just what i need, a girl’s night! wait… is lynn coming?”

“well, i had to invite her. she has no friends!”

“that’s because she’s NOT FRIENDLY!”

“oh she’s not that bad.”

“yes! she IS that bad!”

“you’ll still come to the party right?”

“god!”

“please? please come? don’t leave me alone with lynn all night!”

“see?! you don’t even like her! why do you keep inviting her?!”

“but you’ll come, right?”

“shit. you know she’s just going to bitch about the wine not being her brand and that the brie is too soft. too soft?! IT’S BRIE, LYNN. THAT’S WHAT BRIE DOES! AND IT’S NOT LIKE SHE CONTRIBUTES TO THE SNACKS. BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING WINE, LYNN. oh i just can’t STAND her.”

or maybe it’s like this:

“honey?”

“yes dear?”

“why don’t you invite larry to your golf group…you said you needed another person to round out the group.”

“larry who?”

“you know, lynn’s larry.”

“you mean larry ?! no way! the guys would kill me!”

“but he’s your brother-in-law, you should do more things with him. maybe invite him to the next game.”

“listen babe, you’re sweet and all, but last time i invited larry to watch a game with the guys? it didn’t go over so well.”

“but he doesn’t have any friends…and he probably enjoys getting to do stuff without lynn every once in a while.”

“lynn. god. i don’t doubt that.”

“honey, be nice.”

“no seriously, that lynn is one frigid, ball-busting bitch.”

“honey! don’t say that! she’s just…”

“an unemotional statue filled with a sense of entitlement.”

“honey!”

“what? it’s true! i’ve never met anyone else with as much nerve as her. except maybe larry. man, they deserve each other.”

“oh they’re not that bad.”

“yes they are! the last time they were over here lynn called you a simpleton for having children! number one, how can you still be nice to her?! and number two, who uses the term simpleton anymore?!”

“well i just think that maybe they can change their attitudes if we keep on-“

“no. it won’t work. you’ve seen their bookshelves filled with that Ayn Rand shlock. it’s not happening.”

but see, in that version where it’s lynn and larry? i can’t figure out how i end up with the book. whereas before, perhaps lynn stuffed all her college books in a box and then in 2002 as her daughter is going through some of her mom’s old stuff the daughter is all, “hey mom, i found some of your old books.”

“that’s nice, dear.”

“should we keep them?”

“nah, if i haven’t needed them yet, i probably won’t ever need them. maybe you could take them to the used bookstore and get a couple of bucks for them….honey? …did you hear me?”

“yeah i heard you! what the- Ayn Rand?…hey mom?”

“yeah honey?”

“who was larry?”

next epitomb: library stories

jaimie “strike first, strike hard, no mercy” pickle