The One About Maya Angelou

The One About Hangin’ With Maya
January 27, 2007

hi kids,

on cookie’s blog she mentioned something about wouldn’t it be cool for maya angelou to hang out with us. or maybe i mentioned it. i don’t know. i’m on zicam nighttime. i have no idea. anyway, point is, maya angelou and her awesomeness.

i wonder if you’d ever get used to being around her? what would it be like to be roomies with maya? i mean, for the first 8 or 10 years i’m sure she’d still be intimidating, right? you’d hate to screw up in front of her cos she’s maya effin’ angelou (i can’t use the fuck word around maya.), and the thing is, you know you’d be a complete baffoon around her. you’d be spilling boiling hot coffee on yourself. you’d drop every damn thing you picked up. and if you were me, you’d probably end up setting either yourself or her on fire. and then you’d always be known as the doosh who set maya angelou on fire.

hell, i get nervous just thinking about it. i don’t know how people, ordinary people, even have the guts to interview her. i couldn’t. can you even imagine? i mean, she’s sitting right there! it would be awful!

“hi, uh. mrs. angelou. erm, doctor? shit. are you- oh god i said shit! SHIT!”

“is there…a question?”

“oh god…”

“why are…you crying? did you…get enough sleep last night?”

“…”

“was there…something…you wanted to ask me? perhaps a question…about one of my books?”

“…”

“here’s a kleenex… a cushioney, cuddley, kleenex.
a cozy snot scraper!
…for your nose.
alone! it is nothing…
butwiththeslick-slimey-snot of your nose
it has a purpose.
a place.
a precious-perfect-profession!
together this synthetic cloth made from 60%post-consumerproduct and the man-made-mucous combine to form
…unity!
a completely human act that
cleanses
and reminds us of our
…humility.

now, little one, is there something you’d like to say to me?”

“*sniff* um, i really like your hat.”

the interview would go something like that. and it’s crazy because she’s interviewed all the time, that’s like, her job now. she goes around talking to journalists, schools, and oprah. and how do they not manage to Farley up the interviews all, “um, remember when you gave the inaugural poem for president clinton?”

“yes, i do.”

“…that was awesome.”

“…”

“um, remember when you wrote,
“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.””

“yes. i remember that.”

“um, is… is that true?”

“yes, violence is never-“

“did you see terminator 2?”

i don’t know how they do it, these interviewers and oprah. unless of course they’re all space alien robots who don’t have emotions and/or don’t have the sense god gave to even a simple paint monkey. it’s the sixth sense. most people think that the sixth sense is some kind of “second sight” or “extra-sensory perception” or “psychic powers” or “voodoo bullshit” or whatever.

nay, nay, my friends.

the sixth sense is the innate sense of awe and fear that drops in your gut when in the presence of dr. maya angelou. and if you don’t have that god blessed sense? then you’re not human and you probably deserve whatever you get.
woe to thee who does not show maya all respect!
pity to those who dare speak crude words in her presence!
pain of death be to all who send penis enlargement/home loan spam to her inbox! (as if she needs either one!)

and you know you can’t fake the sixth sense. it’s impossible. and the bad thing is maya can detect if you’re faking it. and trust me, you don’t want fake it around her, okay? it’s okay to fake it around other people…other people don’t have a clue if you’re faking it. they’re too busy with their own shock and awe of maya to even think about your ass. but maya knows. and maya doesn’t front, okay? so don’t think for a second that you’re going to fake her out. it’s best to be straight with maya. she appreciates honesty. even if it’s harsh…it’s still honest.

maya will not tolerate a liar.
and frankly, who could blame her? she doesn’t have time to waste on lying liars or space alien robots.

so interviewing is bad enough, but can you imagine living with her? can you imagine sharing space with her? a bathroom? a ‘fridge? can you imagine what would happen if maya angelou was on vh1’s surreal life? can you?

because i can.

i can’t say for certain who the other celebrity guests would be but i hope they’d be something like pete rose, ann margaret, one of the coreys, ted kennedy, sinead o’connor, and (oh hell, let’s dream big,) sherri lewis and lambchop.
(it was either her or mark twain. go with the ventriliquist, i say.)

admit it, you’ve seen at least one episode of the surreal life. and you know that just watching 15 minutes of it automagically makes you stupid, and that you become exponentially more stupid by each quarter hour (measured in units of boxes of hammers).

por exemplo: 1 full episode of surreal life = the stupidity of 4 boxes of hammers.

this isn’t rocket science, you guys.
it’s maya angelou.

but just think! if maya was on the show! glory!
it would change the lives of millions…for the better. maya angelou is perhpas THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET who could actually make people who watch the surreal life smarter. when the other celebrities get into fights about who gets which room? it would be maya’s deep voice of reason that will penetrate the dunderheadedness and make the idiots see reason.

when ted and sinead get into a knockdown drag out over the catholic church? it will be dr. angelou’s wisened voice we hear as she heals the divide between the protestants and the catholics…ACROSS THE WHOLE WORLD.

when pete rose gets trashed and hits ann margaret for dancing in front of the tv? it’ll be maya’s fist of fury (her BRAIN FIST) that hits pete rose right in the knowledge center of his brain which tells him that it’s not cool to hit girls. not even ann margaret.

and when one of the coreys gets it on with lambchop, of course you know maya angelou will step in and save lambchop’s virginity and send the corey to ventriliquist sex rehab.

okay, so maybe it’s not perfect. maybe it is okay to hit ann margaret. maybe i should replace sherri lewis and lambchop with someone who’s still alive, like bono or pee-wee herman. i’m not sure. all i know is that this nighttime formula zicam is really making me drowsy, and i should probably go to sleep before i slander anymore celebrities.

so to sum up:
1. vh1’s surreal life makes you stupid
2. never lie to maya angelou
3. mixing nighttime formula zicam with mountain dew really helps you see things “outside the box”
next epitomb: library stories

jaimie “tales of a 24th grade nothing” pickle