The One About Family Game Night

The One About My Family Puts the F. U. in Dysfunctional
March 07, 2006
this weekly is rated ‘R’ due to gratuitous cursing. if you are easily offended don’t read this ‘cos i don’t want to hear it.

hi kids,

mr. fleegan and i often play cards at my parents’ house on the weekends. usually the players are: mom, dad, best, flippy, mr. fleegan, and i. we play a game called shanghai and one called five crowns. it’s a dollar a game and the loser gets their dollar back and the winner gets the rest. we always have lots of fun, and you can be sure to hear insults, shouts, and many, many, swear words.

flippy is the screamer. she screams.
occassionally, she hits.

mr. fleegan is the hoover. he steals all the good cards before you can get to them.

mom is just mom. (i can’t say anything bad about mom. she reads these things.) she spills the drinks. oh, and she does this annoying thing: when she’s the first person to lay down her cards she says, “oh, is no one else going to play with me?” and it drives me crazy.

dad is the crackbaby. (don’t worry, he can’t read) he is dubbed this because he can never remember what hand we are on and because he tends to collect the wrong things (“i thought we were collecting three threes!” “no dad, we’re on two fours.” “FUCK!”). also: he hates being called the crackbaby.

best is the winner. she usually wins.
we hate her. she sits there and quietly wins while taking screaming/physical abuse from flippy.

and me? i’m the one with tourette’s. i swear a lot.
a lot.

so there’s the setting: a smoky kitchen table full of adults yelling insults and playing cards.

last night we were playing and the TV was turned on. usually we just listen to music (dad and i control the jukebox), but last night the TV was on and a preview for a show called I Shouldn’t Be Alive came on. And it appears to be a show about people who are in dangerous death situations who end up cheating Death. Anyway, stupid premise, but it led to the theme of our card playing conversation:

me: I Shouldn’t Be Alive? please. we should have our own TV show. talk about reality tv.

dad: i’d watch it.

mom: what would we call it?

me: how about Shut the Fuck Up?

dad and best: ha!

me: ‘cos that would be like, our running gag or something. since all we do is make fun of each other. it would be fun.

mom: …

dad: heh, *mob accent* shut the fuck up.

me: oh wait, mom. i didn’t mean it to sound all sarcastic when you asked that. i realize it just sounded like you asked a question and i answered with “shut the fuck up”.

mom: oh sure.

me: no really! i was just sayin’ that would be the name of-

mom: uh huh, right.

me: honest! i just thought that-

mom: jaimie?

me: yeah?

mom: shut the fuck up.

****

me *draws a crappy card from the deck*: shit piss fuck!

mom: you know, maybe you should try giving up cussing for Lent instead of sugar.

me: oh, ha.

best: it’s too fuckin’ hard.

me: hee. i tried to years ago, but it never helps. besides, i like swear words.

dad: i just don’t know where she picked up those kinds of words.

mom: oh right.

me: sunday school.

dad: hee, church!

mom: more like from painting with her father.

dad: hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up?

****

me: for crying out loud! who’s turn is it, mom?

mom: oh, shut the fuck up, jaimie.

****

dad had had a few tasty beverages and was on a roll talking about…history?

dad: did you know that the romans were anti-gambling? can you believe that shit? a bunch of buttfucking pedophiles have the nerve to call gambling a vice?

mom: and you wonder where she gets it from?

me: *drawing a card* shit piss fuck. when was this?

dad: the romans…back in caesar’s day. they thought gambling was wrong.

best: which caesar? they were all caesars.

dad: what? fucking caesar. the caesar. et tu, brute?

me: julius caesar.

dad: yeah, even back then, during julius caesar’s reign…

best: they named all those orange juice stands after him.

dad: …they considered gambling a vice.

me: thanks for the lesson, encyclopedia brown.

dad: shut the fuck up. who’s turn is it?

everyone: yours!

best: if you’d shut the fuck up you’d know that!

****

best: maybe you could try giving up being an asshole for Lent?

me: shut the fuck up.

best: hee.

me: wow, i think it would be harder to give up being an asshole than it would to give up swearing.

mom: for you? yes.

me: oh, shut the fuck up.

****

at some point, the word nigger came in to play. we weren’t talking about black people, but just the word. in fact, i think maybe mr. fleegan had said it. shock!

me: we don’t use that word here. you know that. we don’t say that word around mom. (click the swearing link)

dad: oh for crying… remember when CNN started calling it the ‘N’ word? how asinine.

mom: well, it’s not a good word.

mr. fleegan: nyahlgah.

dad: i mean, here’s a word, a bad one but still, a word that’s been around for hundreds of years and now? just now…we’re supposed to pretend that no one says it? nigga please.

me: hey, we don’t use that word around mom, that’s not a mom word. you know this.

dad: do they really expect people to not say it? i think…i think the Boondocks guy thinks the same thing. they say it a lot on that show…gah, the ‘n’ word. they can’t be serious! i mean-

mom: *sigh* pat?

dad: huh?

mom: shut the fuck up.

there are several things that you should have noticed throughout this whole card game:
1. my family rocks.

2. my mom always has the best lines.

3. we should have our own TV show.

next epitomb: shut the fuck up.

jaimie “shit piss fuck” pickle