The One About Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood

The One About Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.
January 09, 2006

hi kids,

the other day laura and i were talking about how i remember things about cartoons from childhood and how she can remember everything else. she says that she’s certain that she watched Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, but she can’t remember a thing about them other than puppets were involved.
and counting, obviously.

so i said well what about the Neighborhood of Make-Believe? that’s all i really remember about Mr. Rogers. and she said that she remembers that Mr. Rogers comes in and takes his shoes off and there’s a train.
it’s a trolley, laura.
oh. right. trolley.
geez.

so i asked laura, “don’t you remember King Friday and Queen Sara and Henrietta Pussycat? all, ‘meow meow beautiful meow meow.’?” and she said no, but now that i had mentioned it she could kinda picture a king puppet. i continued my tirade of Make-Believe memories, “OH! but what about the HORRIBLE most SCARY most AWFUL one of all! Lady Elaine Fairchild! WHAT THE HELL WAS HER CHARACTER ABOUT ANYWAY?!”

“who?”

“oh you HAVE to remember her! she was psycho! she lived in the merry-go-round building?! she was weird and hateful and oh! what was it she would say? YEAH! she would throw a boomerang and yell, “boomarang toomarang!” but i can’t remember why. why?! why a boomerang?!”

“yeah, no. this is not ringing any bells.”

well, i’m not crazy and here’s proof.

Exhibit A: What’s the deal with the Boomerang, anyway?

why can’t i find a decent picture of the actual puppet? because the hands in that drawing are NOTHING like her scary, wooden, puppet hands with the red finger nails. also, if you want to freak yourself out, click on her and go to that website and click the little speaker thing. go ahead, listen to her. if you dare.

that’s the best i could find?! but EW! she’s so creepy! oh wow, she reminds me of that gross puppet that was on Hollywood Squares a lot:

and don’t you wish i hadn’t brought that memory up?
she is freaking me out.

i think i remember things about the Neighborhood of Make-Believe because it was so strange to me. even back then i realized that hey, why are some of them puppets and others are actual human people? i mean, don’t they realize that they’re talking to puppets? and that that’s the reason that they’re so small?

look, i wasn’t a genius at age 6, i was close, mind, but not quite a genius, and even my 6 year old brain would scream in outrage, “what the-? “correct as usual, King Friday” my foot! You don’t have to take that, Lady Aberlin! Your uncle, King Friday, is being an unreasonable DICTATOR! And you’re BIGGER than he is! Just snap his wooden head off. AND DO IT NOW! QUICK! BEFORE THE TROLLEY COMES BACK!”

Exhibit B: The Trolley controls the vertical and the horizontal

He’s not smiling. He’s wincing in pain.
The TrolleyGod just cut him in half.

because everyone, everyone, knew that the Trolley was the God of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. You couldn’t get to the NoM-B without the Trolley, and you sure as shit couldn’t leave the NoM-B without the Trolley.

Daniel Striped Tiger looked nothing like a tiger and was the timid cat that i thought was the bomb ‘cos he HAD A WATCH. yes, a wrist-watch. and back then, that totally did it for me. i was enamored with watches. he lived in a clock…that had no hands! what kind of neighborhood is this, anyway?

Exhibit C: Clock with no hands

Daniel was so shy it was PAINFUL to watch him interact with other people and puppets. it made you want to scream, “Look, Fred, could you PLEASE leave Daniel alone and go check out the blue owl in the tree?! LEAVE HIM ALONE! CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S ABOUT TO PISS HIMSELF! he SHAKES when he talks to you!”

But as i think back on it, i’m sure Daniel’s probably the one that, in real life, would have gotten so fed up with the Make-Believe lifestyle that he would have taken down the whole neighborhood with a russian assault rifle from the top of his grandfather clocktower all, “IT’S ALL A LIE! OUR LIVES AREN’T REAL! I’M FINALLY FREE! IT’S SUCH A GOOD FEELING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! GUESS WHO WON’T BE BACK, BITCHES!”

and i’m not sure if Henrietta Pussycat was mentally challenged or just dumb. “what? meow meow telephone, what? what are you saying Henrietta?! just talk dammit!” no one ever lost patience with her. HOW CAN THIS BE?

the blue owl in the tree? i can’t remember his name, but i know he lived next door to Henrietta. he probably hated to see her coming. “oh hell, here comes meow meow Henrietta meow meow. this is bullshit! i’ve gotta move soon.”

but the Royal Family was the most confusing of all. first, there was King Friday, a pompous windbag. his wife was Queen Sara and she was vanilla. Then there was their son, Prince Tuesday or Thursday, i can’t remember. but the king’s niece? Lady Aberlin? she was human. why? how? was Friday’s brother or sister human? or did they marry a human? is that sort of inter-species relationship allowed? it certainly wasn’t talked about, of course, neither was the Mog. Bob the Dog was this dude dressed up like a dog that would go, “bow wow rooo.” but you could see his man face.

Exhibit D: The Mog

this guy’s job just screams alcoholism.

in fact, i called my brother and asked him what he remembered about the NoM-B and the first thing he said was, “what about the dude that was dressed up like a dog? shouldn’t he have been some kind of puppet too?”

yes, thank you. borrow the Barkley suit from Sesame Street and go from there.

i do remember that the prince went to school with the ugly platypus girl who lived in a giant dirt mound filled with holes.

Exhibit E: sweet jesus! that’s the ugliest puppet ever!

did she have a flesh-eating disease?

i also remember that a cow was the teacher, but other than that, i’m at a total loss at what grade they were in or even where the school was.
and i know there was a mole/chipmunk type thing that lived in a factory next to the king’s castle. i want to say his name is Cornflake, but i’m thinking that’s not right.

anyway, the Neighborhood of Make-Believe is stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. which is a shame ‘cos i could probably use the brain space to store actual knowledge like spelling and grammar. trust me, spelling and grammar are tons more useful than “boomerang toomerang!”

next epitomb: i can’t get that Madame puppet out of my head.

jaimie “PBS Whore” pickle