The One About Cooking Shows

The One About Cooking Shows and I’m an idiot.
December 18, 2005

hi kids,

i watched a lot of foodnetwork this morning. like, 3 hour’s worth. i get sucked into what i like to call Jaimie’s Power Hour(s) of Television Cooking. it starts with Ms. Paula Deen, everyone’s favorite southern aunt, yes, i pretend she’s my relative. as in, “oh, i wonder what aunt paula is making today? isn’t she sweet?” and i think what i like most is that her giant dogs are in the kitchen with her, and she talks to them when they start getting restless or make noise. she’s all, “well, hey, dog’s name, how are you?” like she’s genuinely happy to see them, and that just makes you love her more because you can tell she loves her dogs and plus how southern is that, to have your dogs in the kitchen?

she is golden.

next is the glamorous Sandra Lee and her show about almost-homemade foods. i think of her as the Martha Macguyver of cooking. she’s too skinny to be a real chef. but she makes the best nearly homemade things. i don’t know if they are all her ideas or if she’s just the presenter (she is rather glam. she looks like Celine Dion. dad doesn’t like her because of her glamness, “did you see what she was wearing on the Christmas special? you can’t cook in that. just what is she trying to prove?” to his credit, the outfit she had on was very pretty, but not really practical for in the kitchen. if it was me, i’d ice the cakes and then change into my christmas dress.) of some other genius, or perhaps a team of geniuses, but i love her show because it gives me ideas of how to fake delicious things. then she shows you crafty ways to present them, hence the Martha part of the equation.

another reason i love her show is that she always makes a cocktail at the end. like, “here’s what we made today and now i’m going to show you an easy cocktail to make that will really set off the whole sha-bang. Nancy will be here any second so i need to hurry and get the cocktails ready so we can sit and chat and enjoy our drinks!” she seems so urgent about it, and i know it’s ‘cos there’s always less time at the end of the show so she has to hurry to fit it all in, but i always imagine that her friends come over and are all, “San, you outdid yourself on this spread but gotdam, where’s the booze? you promised cocktails. hurry! the cab ride was 10 minutes and i haven’t been that sober since ’86! chop chop!”

i pretend that Sandra is my famous friend with the cooking show. like, “oh, my friend Sandra made the best cake the other day, and the best part? she didn’t even have to BAKE anything! i just love her. she’s so clever.”

Giada De Laurentiis rounds off my trifecta of television cooking with her Everyday Italian show. she is also very pretty, but she isn’t WASPY or skin and bones like Sandra. she makes most of her stuff, it’s actually homemade. the things she makes are awesome. most of it is very simple, as in, there aren’t many ingredients, but sometimes it’s a bit complicated, but she always assures you that yes, it takes a bit of time but you can do it, and for some reason i trust her.

another reason i love the show (as if Italian food isn’t a good enough reason) is the music bits they play while they show her shopping for something or mixing something, or chopping something, or taking something out of the oven and transplanting it to another plate. the music isn’t techno and it’s not jazz, but it’s sorta both…it’s like David Gray. and i love it. it’s calm and yet so refreshing!

here’s the problem with watching these shows back-to-back: i start talking like them. and no, i don’t mean with a strong southern accent. what i mean is, when my shows are over and i manage to turn the TV completely off and start doing actual housework or take a shower or do some laundry…i narrate it. i say that i’m doing it for the cat’s sake, but we all know i’m pretending i have a television audience. besides, the cat already knows how to do laundry.

“okay, so now let’s check on our laundry…remember i had it set on cycle 6, that’s the cold water. some people use hot water but i find that that shrinks my cottons and i don’t like that. but remember, everyone’s washer is different so you use what works best for you…. and yes! the cycle is done so now we’re going to transfer the wet clothes into the dryer. this only takes a couple of seconds. i like to use a fabric softener. so i’ll throw one of those in there. my friend Laura NEVER uses fabric softener. so there you go. a good trick i like to do before i actually run the dryer is to check the lint trap before each use. i suppose that it’s kind of anal retentive to do that, but it’s just a good habit. especially, if you dry big loads like i do. i’m just going to set it on the “energy saver” mode and hit start and…there…they’re starting to dry. you can hear the tumble….and apparently i had some spare change in one of the pockets…that’s okay, we can get it out when the cycle is over, just be careful because the metal coins will be hotter than lava. that’s because metals are a good conductor of heat. we’ll check back on this load in about 35 to 40 minutes. now would be a good time for a cocktail.”

“okay next… we’re going to style my hair. i use the term “style” very loosely because the truth is i really have no idea what i’m doing… since i have very short hair i usually start with my hair a little damp from my shower. not soaking mind, but damp enough so the hair will do what i tell it to. i’ve notice that when my hair is dry it’s impossible to work with as it sticks straight out and i have a dry, unmanageable ‘fro. so with my hair a bit damp… i squeeze a dollop of whatever this is…it’s a white paste-y substance called “styling sauce” it’s not a gel, some people like to use gel for a more stiff hold, but i’ve sort of outgrown the stiff hold and i’ve graduated to this paste shit, which is a softer hold. so i put it in my hand and i rub my hands together like this…not unlike washing my hands…and then i run my hands all over my hair. this is to coat my hair with the sauce. then i swoop the front like so…okay, so maybe it’s not a drastic swoop, but…then i spike the back…to give the hair some definition and variety. if i had some sort of spray, like hair spray or a spray gel, i would use it at this time to keep the hold, but i can never remember to buy that shit. i have no idea why. one thing i have noticed is the longer my hair gets, the more hair product i have to use to get it to do right. and i HATE having all that stuff in my hair, so i like to keep my hair very short because it’s so easy to deal with and it feels better when i don’t have to put so much goop on it. now that we’ve finished this, i’m going to finish getting dressed and then…cocktails!”

“now, we’re going to go pick up my father, Popsicle, at his house because we’re going to go to the grocery store together. we don’t get to do this very often, but when we do it’s a riot. i recommend that everyone, at least once, go to the store with my father. there’s no one better who will talk in silly voices and help you make fun of the other people in the store. i like to take South 11th Street… all the way to the Black Creek Parkway…now we’re going to turn right on Sutton Bridge Road and take it all the way to Rainbow Drive. of course, we could’ve gone down Walnut to 3rd Street and then gotten on Rainbow Drive, but i don’t like doing that because it invloves lots more traffic and red lights. i’m not sure if taking back roads is any shorter, but it’s a lot less stressful! and let’s face it, we could all do with less stress, huh? after we hit the grocery store we’re going to then go to our favorite store in the world…the liquor store. and after we unload our groceries it’ll be time for…you guessed it, a cocktail!”

“wellm, i hope youuu’ve hadve as good ofa time asm i have! rememeber, we did the lllaudry, gotr ready, and toopk dad to the strore. adn we shtill had times for rcocktailsm! i rool forlard to seeling yuo next tim e wehns we wash the jeeps, mkae the bed, adn sweelp the flors! ta!”

next epitomb: pork AND beans!

jaimie “cooking with gas, constantly” pickle