The One About the Valley of the Paint Monkey

Category: weekleez

The One About The Valley of the Paint Monkey
June 17, 2005

hi kids,

i am sorry that i’ve been whining about work so much lately. today will be no different, because today…was officially The Worst Day I’ve Had in a Very, Very Long Time Ever.

i should’ve known it was going to be a weird day when i turned on the tv at 6:45 in the morning and AMC wasn’t showing a war or cowboy movie. it was a regular movie, and i was all, “who is that chick? i’ve seen this. who the hell is she? oh. oh, that’s…melissa gilbert! yeah.” so i watch and watch and i’m all, “what is this movie? i know i’ve- where is susan hayward? i know she’s in this. WHAT is this?”

so i go and have my second crap of the day. (oh, was that too much? deal.) and i’m thinking, “wait. no, that can’t be melissa gilbert. she would’ve been like, 10 when that movie came out. gaaah, what movie is that?!” i’m actually sitting on the toilet and thinking about this movie.
a bit later:
“okay. toonces, who is that other girl? she’s someone… she’s dead! oh! oh! i know who she is! that’s… sharon… tate! oh! that means that “melissa gilbert” is….is…grrrrrrrr… patty duke! oh my god, it’s taken me 30 minutes to figure out i’m watching Valley of the Dolls?!”
and honestly, AMC, that is NOT a morning movie, okay? afternoon movie? fine. “midday matinee”? okay. evening? perfect. morning? 6:45 in the morning?! no, no, no!

anyway, starting out the day with Valley of the Dolls is like, a sure sign that you’re day is screwed.
on with my bad day:

it would take 6 years for me to type out the whole story. so i’ll sum up.
last year dad and i painted a house for a lady (from church). she wanted to add on her porch when we were done. the price we quoted did not include the porch (because she had not specified that she wanted the porch done at the beginning because if she had WE WOULD HAVE PRESSURE-WASHED IT WHEN WE DID THE HOUSE). the porch needed to be pressure-washed, and the wrought iron railings needed to be spray painted.
we finish the house, and the next day we were to start the porch job.
but.
i got sick the night before and called dad at 6am to tell him i wouldn’t be coming in to work and PS, i’m in the hospital and they’re gonna take my gall bladder out, could you call jimmy?
so.
dad talks to the lady and says that hey, jaimie’s in the hospital. it seems we won’t be able to get to your porch this week. we’ll have to do it another time. meanwhile, here’s the total for the house.
she says that that’s fine. no hurry on the porch as no one uses that porch anyway.

fastforward to a week ago.
the lady wants her porch done because she has a friend coming from ohio and she want’s the place to look good.
fine.
oh, and could you add on the giant sidewalk too?
fine.

fastforward to yesterday.
i spend two hours pressure-washing IN THE HOT SUN. AND YOU WILL REMEMBER, THIS WAS THE DAY THAT I GOT SICK BECAUSE IT WAS SO HOT THAT NOT EVEN DRINKING WATER HELPED. then i go to kmart and the paint store for spray paint and porch paint.
paint total: $48.50

today.
i spend two hours spray painting. my finger is still numb.
and one hour painting the porch and steps.
labor total: $80 ($40 for the washing and $40 for the painting.)

so i take the paint reciepts to her and ask if she’s paying for the job or her father (who paid for the house painting job. because the lady is a sloth who doesn’t work. and all she does is watch tv all day with her fucking dog.) and SHE says, “oh, we’ve already paid for it.”
“what?”
“last year. remember? you painted my house?”
“yeah but-”
“you were supposed to do the porch but you got sick. your dad was supposed to do it. but he never did. but we paid him already.”
“i don’t think-”
“yes, you said you’d paint the porch too.”
“but that was separate.”
“no it wasn’t! and he already got paid for it! you need to talk to your dad about it and get HIM to pay you!”

so i think, okay. maybe dad did take the money…but we’ve never done that before, take money for a job we haven’t done yet. huh. well, regardless of the labor, i need money for the paint.

“um, okay. but i need $48.50 for the paint.”
“no! he’s already been paid for the supplies!”
“what?”
“we’ve paid him for the paint already!”
“but i just bought the paint yesterday.”
“well, we paid for it last year.”

now i know that’s wrong. we NEVER charge for materials we HAVEN’T bought yet. that is RIDICULOUS.

but what the hell am i going to do? stand there and fight with this old bitch? on one hand, HELL YES. and on the other hand, she goes to the same church i do, and if i start calling her a liar or whatnot, that kind of puts mom in a weird position, even though i’m sure mom wouldn’t care. still, it’s weird. because, i go to church with her. why is she trying to rip me off? and SHE’S acting like i’m trying to rip HER off. i mean, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! SHE JUST ADDED THE GIANT SIDEWALK LAST WEEK! I KNOW FOR DAMN SURE THAT WASN’T INCLUDED IN THE PRICE OF HER GODDAMNED HOUSE.

so i just leave. and on the way to pick up dad for lunch, he calls. and i tell him what happened and he loses it, because hello? no, the porch wasn’t included with the rest of the house. and? of course he didn’t charge them for materials THAT DIDN’T EXIST UNTIL YESTERDAY.
but he says he’ll go talk to the dad this afternoon, because the dad is a reasonable guy.

so this afternoon i’m working at a different job (another 10 hour day) and dad comes over to the job and he says that he talked to the guy and the guy was all, “well, my daughter said…” and dad said, “well yeah, but she’s wrong. the porch wasn’t included. she added that later.” and the guy is all, “but, my daughter said…” and dad is all, “look. fine. but jaime is out $50.00 on the paint for the job, and plus she spent two hours pressure-washing the porch AND sidewalk. can you do something?”
and the guy says, “yeah, i’ll get you some money.”
and dad’s all, “thank you.” and thinks, whew, i knew he was a reasonable guy.
that old fucker comes out and gives dad fifty bucks.

so, i work my ass off in the heat for 5 hours and i get paid $50. my Art Math tells me that that’s $10 an hour. that’s not so bad. but my Art Math is wrong. because the paint was $48.50.
so for 5 hours work i got paid $1.50. which is 30 cents an hour.
30.
fucking.
cents.

“um, excuse me?”
“yes?”
“WHEN DID I GET TO RUSSIA?!”

the seething anger comes and goes. dad has been taking it pretty hard. i think he feels responsible somehow. it’s not his fault that they’re a bunch of assholes though. i’m still shocked and awed that i know this person, these people. i go to church with them. i see them once a week. i smile and give the mom (whom i do not hold responsible, as she is a feeble old lady who is so sweet) a hug. but the father and the daughter? dead to me. she wanted me to paint a ceiling and a bathroom “when you have time”. she’ll not be getting any more of my time.

i mean, i guess i’m pretty lucky as this is the first time i’ve been ripped off. but to be ripped off by people i know? people i know from church? it is a terrible feeling. and it’s not that i think that people who go to church are more honest and more good or whatnot, it’s just… i mean, it takes balls to rip off someone you see once a week at the place you go to WORSHIP THE LORD, is all.

oh, and dumping a gallon of paint on the lady’s porch does seem to be the gut reaction that everyone’s had, but i’m trying to calm my anger down and not give in to the Dark Side. besides, this kind revenge should be subtle and untraceable. i’m praying for a plague of ants to invade her kitchen.
hee. i’m kidding.

other movies you should not watch first thing in the morning:
Mommie Dearest
any of the Poltergeist movies
Sybil, obviously

movies you can start the day with:
Blazing Saddles
just about anything with Debbie Reynolds
Mame, obviously

next epitomb: jaimie finally snaps. took long enough.

jaimie “damn valley of the dolls, man. it just figures.” pickle

Tags: , , ,

No Comments