The One About Jose Canseco Wrote a Book

May 17, 2005

hi kids,

Jose Canseco wrote a book called Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. Jose Canseco wants you to know that steroids are great! Jose Canseco says so. Jose Canseco wants you to know that many baseball players are “juiced”. That means that they are on steroids, like Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco is not a doctor, but is a self-proclaimed expert on steroids, and he says that steroids are safe. Jose Canseco’s word is his bond.

Jose Canseco can run fast.

Jose Canseco likes talking about steroids. Jose Canseco likes talking about other people who use steroids, and he also likes to laugh at the ones who used them wrong. Jose Canseco likes to laugh at Jason “Moon Face” Giambi. So does everyone else, especially Jose Canseco.

Jose Canseco is attracted to beautiful women who take care of their bodies. Jose Canseco does not mind giving grown men a shot in the ass. Jose Canseco is comfortable with his own sexuality, and knows that giving a shot to another man, in the ass, does not, in fact, make him gay. Jose Canseco has had sex with lots of women. However, Jose Canseco wants you to know that he did not have sex with Madonna, because she came on too strong and kinda scared him. Jose Canseco actually wants you to believe that.

Jose Canseco loves steroids and would probably marry them if he could. He says that steroids get a lot of bad press. Jose Canseco says that there are no negative side effects to using steroids properly. Jose Canseco does admit that using steroids makes your testicles shrink, but Jose Canseco thinks that isn’t such a bad thing ‘cos it makes your penis look bigger.

Jose Canseco is from Cuba, and his father was domineering and never gave out compliments. Jose Canseco loved his mother very much. On Jose Canseco’s mother’s deathbed, Jose Canseco told his mother that he was going to be the best baseball player he could be. Jose Canseco did not tell his mom that he was using steroids because he didn’t think she would understand what he was talking about. Jose Canseco lies by omission.

Jose Canseco will never go back to Florida (except to check in with his parole officer) because Florida put him in jail for being Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco thinks that if it had been Cal Ripken Jr. who had beaten his wife and driven recklessly on the Interstate, that Cal Ripken Jr. would have merely gotten a slap on the hand. Because Cal Ripken Jr. is white. Jose Canseco may have a point, but we’ll never know for sure because Cal Ripken Jr. hasn’t been caught beating anyone and driving like an asshole on the Interstate. Jose Canseco says he’s never had ” ‘roid rage”.
Jose Canseco thinks you’re an idiot.

Jose Canseco wants you to know that he’s a nice guy. Jose Canseco donates time and money to charities. He won’t say which charities, because he doesn’t want you to think that he needs to validate his charitable givings to you. Jose Canseco has a point, but if he doesn’t want validation, why did Jose Canseco mention giving to charities at all?

Do you like Jose Canseco?

In the late 1980s Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire were called the Bash Brothers because they played for the same team and would hit homeruns. Jose Canseco wants you to know that Mark McGwire is not his actual brother.

Jose Canseco says he’s never done drugs. Except steroids. Which, Jose Canseco says should be legal in sports. Jose Canseco doesn’t understand why people have a problem with steroid use in professional sports. Jose Canseco isn’t very smart.

Jose Canseco has a daughter whom he loves very much named Josie. I wouldn’t dream of making fun of Jose Canseco’s daughter, but I can’t help but notice, that you named her Jose with an I. Jose Canseco is an egomaniac.

Jose Canseco whines a lot for being Latino. He says he is treated differently in baseball than say, Mark McGwire or Cal Ripken Jr.. He thinks it’s because they are white. But maybe Jose Canseco should look at the big picture and see that perhaps they played ball more consistently than he did. No, Jose Canseco assures me it’s ‘cos he’s Latino and they are Irish or whatever.

Jose Canseco made tons of money from baseball and endorsements. He has many fast, expensive cars. Jose Canseco could have slept with Madonna if he hadn’t pussed out. Jose Canseco, the Latinos called, they told me to tell you to shut up.

Jose Canseco never used a corked bat. Because to Jose Canseco, that is cheating.
Jose Canseco never soaked cork, according to Jose Canseco. However, he did sneak into bathrooms with other men to give them shots in the ass. Jose Canseco says it was no big deal and was happy he could do it. Jose Canseco is not gay.

Jose Canseco feels ripped off that he couldn’t stay in baseball longer so he could hit over 500 homeruns so he could be in the Hall of Fame. Jose Canseco thinks he didn’t cheat.

Things that are completely untrue but fun to say:

Jose Canseco is half man, half god, and half Alaskan Malamute. He can make fire with his breath and stays crispy in milk. Jose Canseco likes seafood. He can dance like nobody’s business. Jose Canseco is a lover, not a fighter. Unless you marry him.

In a steel cage match between Jose Canseco and Pete Rose, Jose Canseco would win, but Pete Rose would bet on Jose Canseco.

When Jose Canseco makes love to you, he makes sure that you’re satisfied first. Jose Canseco wants you to wear the skimpy outfit for him. He doesn’t mind chains.

Jose Canseco wrote the book of love as well as the bible. He knows karate and has a black belt in steroids. When he flies in a plane he has to check his hands in as deadly weapons. Jose Canseco has wings and can fly without the aid of a plane, but he prefers to fly in a plane because he likes to flirt with the flight attendants. Jose Canseco is a lifetime member of the Mile High and Sweet Pickles Book Clubs.

If given a choice between chocolate and vanilla, Jose Canseco will gouge your eyes out. Jose Canseco is made of magic and can balance a stack of plates on his head.

Do you know the Muffin Man? Jose Canseco does. Biblically. But he’s not gay. Jose Canseco has to wear a sticker that says, “CAUTION: filling is hot.” This amuses Jose Canseco, and his laugh sounds like a cat in heat, and his breath smells like baby powder.

Jose Canseco never learned to read or write; he prefers to express himself in song. Jose Canseco actually wrote Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and then went back in time and gave it to Beethoven because he felt sorry that Beethoven was deaf. Jose Canseco is a cool dude in a loose mood, and prefers bacon to sausage.
Jose Canseco is half Jewish.

Jose Canseco once swam the whole English Channel completely underwater. Jose Canseco has gills and he doesn’t think that’s cheating. Jose Canseco thinks the Olympic Games are rigged. Jose Canseco craps candy canes and gives them to starving children. Jose Canseco wears his heart on his sleeve because he doesn’t need it to live anymore as he is more machine than man now.

If you had a room with an infinite number of Jose Cansecos and an infinite number of typewriters, odds are Jose Canseco would win. If you think that Jose Canseco can’t rap, then think again. Dr. Phil cannot outwit Jose Canseco. When Jose Canseco performs surgery he listens to the Bangles. He’s actually listening to the Beatles, but he calls them the Bangles. The last person to correct Jose Canseco woke up in a dark alley with a busted lip and a sore butt-hole.

Jose Canseco wants you to be comfortable but likes it when you wear that black number. If it looks like a pump and feels like a sneaker, that’s okay with Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco is a topical ointment that relieves itching and swelling. When Jose Canseco asks what he can do for you, the correct answer is, “Nothing, My Liege.”

Jose Canseco gets as many do-overs as he wants. Jose Canseco thinks that chess is cute, and once ate a raw human kidney on a dare. Jose Canseco has been partyin’ like it’s 1999 since 1988, that’s how ahead of the game he is. Jose Canseco can predict the future. Jose Canseco didn’t think that Star Wars: Attack of the Clones was that bad.

Jose Canseco rules with an iron fist of fury and a concealed weapon. Jose Canseco doesn’t take vacations; he takes whatever he wants. Jose Canseco is rubber and you’re glue. Jose Canseco would trade all of his tomorrows for a single yesterday. Jose Canseco has become tiresome and boring.

next epitomb: Jose Canseco sings Billie Holiday’s greatest hits.

jaimie “meh.” pickle

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