The One About Celtic Woman,Danny Boy, and How I’m a Big Baby

Category: weekleez

The One About Celtic Woman, Danny Boy, and How i’m a Big Baby

April 22, 2005

hi kids,

i am a total girlie mushball and i cry at grand openings and when i hear the national anthem and also when i run out of ketchup or mustard. and if you tell anyone that i’m a girlie sack of mush and not the hard-hearted bitch that i portray on T.V., i’ll call you a liar and deny, deny, deny, and then i’ll kill you and hide the body under the neighbor’s house.

girlie mushball, my ass.

all of that to say that a couple of weeks ago i was watching PBS and this show called Celtic Woman came on and it was a concert with these 4 irish chicks and this one irish fiddle player chick and they sang songs and played the fiddle and it was so very beautiful that at one point i started crying. all, “wahhhh! this is so *sniff* beautifu-uh-uh-uhlllll waaaaaaaah!”

and then when they were talking about the show when it was over it turned out that the girls didn’t even know each other until they had started to practice for the concert and then i was all, “WAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhhh! that’s so ama-ay-ay-ayzing waaaah….now they’ll always be friends waaaah…*sniffle* they seem like such sweet people….waaaaah…i hope they all become rich and famous because they are so talented and they desserve to be happy and not have to live wherever the celts are from with their tiny, unnutritious vegetables and hard bread….waaah!” *choke, snort*

“oh god! waaaaaah! not *hic* Da-ah-ah-ahnny Boy! *sniff* are they trying to kill me? waaaaaaah. it’s so beautiful. and so…so…so delicate and fragile…and oh christ, is that enya?”

“WAAAAAAAH!“

“everything is so pretty! waah! so blue and calming….”

“WAAAAAA *hic, choke, snarfle* AAAAAAAAAAHH!”

it’s a fact, Danny Boy will make me tear up every time. i don’t care who sings it. it could be rosanne barr singing it to the tune of the garbage disposal and as soon as she hits, ” ’tis i’ll be here in sunshine or in shadow” i’ll hit the floor clutching uselessly to myself and sobbing, “oh god….oh god…danny boy i love you sooooo waaaaaah!”

i’m not even irish.

they played that song at my uncle’s funeral. i was sitting next to mr. fleegan and these bagpipes start playing and i was thinking, “bagpipes? we’re not irish…oh no…oh dear lord no. they really play this song at funerals? i thought it was just in movies… don’t think about it. pretend that you can’t hear the words and maybe you won’t start crying and snifflesnorting and get snot all over jimmy’s nice shirt and make any more of a spectacle of yourself what with your blue hair and all. don’t think about the words….focus on the nice tune…nice irish tune…so pretty; just like pretty ireland. if ireland’s so pretty how come it’s such a sad place filled with politico-religious unrest, civil war, booze, and poisonous vegetables? those poor, starving danny boys! left all alone with no love! and no hope! and with only unhealthy soil and acid water with which to grow their sad, shriveled, death tubers!”

*sniff*

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

death tubers. man, ireland sucks.

***

i don’t know why i like to pretend that other places are like mars and uninhabitable. i just know that it makes me chuckle.

***

i encourage you to go to the Celtic Woman website and listen to the songs and watch the video and cry, cry, cry.

oh! you guys! the show is coming to atlanta in august! we should totally go! i promise i’ll try not to cry like a little girl.

***

oh jaimie girl, the pipes, the pipes are calling…

that’s the signal for Happy Hour, right?

next epitomb: jaimie cries at a totally inappropriate moment.

jaimie “waaah!” pickle

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