The One About Sonic

Category: weekleez

The One About Sonic

November 03, 2004

hi kids,

so you guys all know what sonic burgers are, right? good.
what?
are you from mars?
no.
no, it is not a burger that’s made of sound.
look-
hey-
would you shut your hole for two seconds please?

sonic is a fastfood chain. it’s like mcdonald’s or wendy’s except it doesn’t have a building. it’s like an “old timey” drive your car up to the burger joint and some lady comes out and brings your burgers to the car and you eat the burgers right there. in your car. kind of “restaurant”.

what?
you know what? your attitude is not appreciated.
it’s not my fault that you don’t understand what the hell i’m talking about. obviously you live in russia where there are no sonics with their wonderful Giant Cheeseburgers of Death and Ginormous Bladder Buster-sized Slushes of Peril. and frankly, that’s sad.

it is a fact:

my leetle brahther eats sonic food like, everyday.

what a doof. but it all started when he went to the local jr. college. there’s a sonic strategically placed close to the college. so he would eat that crap for lunch or breakfast or snacktime or any other time that he had that was free.
he’s an idiot.

when he moved to TN to go to The Fancy College he called me and told me that the first thing he did was drive up and down the main drag. he said he that he was blown away by all the millions of restaurants the place had. he said, “i drove up the strip twice trying to make up my mind. there’s a quiznos and a wings place and BBQ and a million bars and steakhouses and everything.”
“really? where did you go?”
“sonic.”
“…”
“what?”
“you’re an idiot.”

now i like sonic as much as the next guy, and by “next guy” i mean “anyone except my brother”. dad and i will have sonic for lunch every once in a while, and sometimes jimmy and i go there for a quick supper. we usually just take our food home, we never really eat the food in our car because really, what’s the charm of eating a full meal in your car? i don’t think there is one.

the only problem i have with sonic is the whole gratuity thing. do you tip the “waitress”? most people do. my brother does. my dad does. even mr. fleegan does.
i?
do not.

now before you stone me let me say something.
why the hell are you people tipping the sonic “waitresses”? you are at a fastfood joint. are you leaving money in the arby’s booth? are you tipping the braindead kid working the register are mcdonald’s? “way to go jughead, you pressed the right picture button. here’s a dollar.”

no. you don’t. so why are you tipping the sonic “waitress”? all this chick did was bring the bag of food to your car. did she come out and take your order? did she come back during the meal and ask if she could refill your Colossal Soda of Woe? no. all she did was bring your sack of food to your car, which by the way, is parked 10 feet away from the door. so why are you giving her a dollar?

and trust me, you’re not the only one outraged that i’m such a cold hearted bitch that i won’t even tip the sonic “waitress” and that i think that people who do tip the sonic “waitress” are crazy or just really rich. maybe if i were rich i’d be different about it. maybe if i were rich i’d be all, “hey lady who brought me my sack of fastfood all the way to my car which is like, 12 feet away, thanks. keep up those mad walkin’ skillz. here’s a buck.”
but i’m not rich. and all the girl did was walk seven steps to my car and give me my food.

and don’t even get me started on the ones that hover around waiting for a tip because um, all i ordered was a medium milkshake and if you think you’re getting a tip for that then you’re crazier than the idiots who tip you.

i know, i know, i know. i’m a bitch and i’m going to hell because i just called you an idiot and i don’t tip the sonic “waitress”. i know.
“but jaimie,” you say, “that poor girl is working for those tips. she depends on those tips. she makes less than minimum wage for those tips.”

aw, you’re so cute.

working fastfood is horrible. it’s awful. i worked at wendy’s for 5 days and i couldn’t take it. it was so bad. the smells alone could kill. i honestly don’t know how people do it. they are stronger people than i.

me? not strong.
them? stronger than me.

however, if you are working at a fastfood place and making less than the minimum wage, guess what? you’re a dumbass. because wendy’s and popeye’s and BK and John Q. Fastfood Joint have permanent Now Hiring signs on their doors. so you might want to “inquire within” about how to get paid at least minimum wage so you can quit hangin’ around my window waiting for a tip. ‘cos lady, unless you’re going to do a magic trick or juggle something or tell my fortune, you ain’t gettin’ one. i don’t care how good you can walk. just gimmie my shake and we’ll all move on.

jaimie, you are evil.

thank you. but on my less diabolical hand, i am an excellent tipper at Real Restaurants. trust me. if you’re a Real Waiter/tress then you want me at your table. why is this?

my leetle brahther, the crazy with the bad sonic habit, worked at a restaurant and he would tell me about these ass hats who wouldn’t tip, and it would break my heart ‘cos here’s my leetle brather working for college money and these cheap bastards wouldn’t leave him jack. (but i’m sure they tip the sonic wench because, you know, idiots). he said that the worst tippers (meaning the ass clowns who don’t tip) were the sunday after church crowd (penny pinching christians! oh sure, you’ll give god 10%) and old people (scrooge holes!).

so now at Real Restaurants i tip very well. probably too well.

“jaimie, you’re leaving the waitress $6?”
“oh. should i leave more? i didn’t think-”
“you had nachos and a beer.”
“yeah?”
“your meal wasn’t even 6 bucks.”
“but, that’s someone’s little sister!”
“no.”
“five?”
“no.”
“well, she’s getting no less than four.”
“three.”
“three?! she’ll never finish college on three!”
“…”
“okay, three sounds good.”

but woe to the sonic wench who hovers at my window waiting for a tip for hoofing my cherrylimeade the whole 10 steps. sorry sister, it ain’t happening.

you’re right. i’m an evil beotch. i am the skeletor to sonic’s he-man. so be it. you’re still not getting a tip.

next week’s epitomb: jaimie really is skeletor.

jaimie” scrooge holes!” pickle

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