The One About Medical Bills

Category: weekleez

 

The One About Medical Bills

December 17, 2004

hi kids,

if you are independently wealthy, please disregard the following:

if you ever have to have a surgery of some sort i encourage you to have some health insurance before you drive yourself to the emergency room at 2 in the morning. if you don’t have health insurance just wait, and try not to die during the night. then, first thing in the morning go to some kind of free clinic or the health dept. or something. just whatever you do, don’t go to the hospital. unless of course you are a single female who is either pregnant or has kids. then by all means, go the the ER and let medicaid pay for it all.

if i had known how much this shit was going to cost and how many different bills i’d get from every fucking medical union bullshit mother whore licking hooha, i would have never gone to the hospital. no, i mean it. i don’t care that my gall bladder was going to explode and kill me.
‘cos if i had died? i wouldn’t have these mother grabbing, skank shooting, buck futting bills on my table. bills for things that i have no idea what the money is for. the hospital bill (a ginormous $20,000 affair) included $3,000 for the ER alone. so tell me, why? why do i have a bill from the ER Doctors of Alabama? why did the bill come from Jacksonville, Florida? and why am i sending the money to Atlanta, Georgia? what did the ER doctor do for me anyway?
oh yeah. he said, “take her to radiology.”

right. the X-Rays were on the hospital bill. so i get Giant Mystery Bill #2 from the Radiologists of Alabama or whatnot. why? why is the bill for $500 when all you did was click a button twice? was it the wheelchair ride? ‘cos i think that’s a bit steep for two clicks and a ride down the hall. you shitbrain vomit bags, is your job so hard? making sure the x-rayee isn’t wearing anything metal before you click a button twice? you go to school for two years for that? good job. you must be proud. at least you’re good at your job, unlike the nurses.

you finger-pricking hag nurses. what the hell do i owe you $600 for? the only time i saw you was when that goddamn machine was beeping. well, let me tell you what. next time i’m getting my money’s worth. next time i’m shitting all over myself, i’m gonna rip that damn I.V. out as soon as you leave. that beeping machine? it’s going up someone’s ass. you? are going to bring me medicine. you? are going to be my bitch. next time you’re gonna earn that $600.

you know who else is gonna earn their money? those smug, shit eating, assclown anesthesiologists. are you kidding me? you want almost $800 for that? you boneheads were the worst of the lot. you couldn’t find my chart, you couldn’t run an I.V. line, and? and? your Nurse Diesel looked just like Kathy Bates. and i’m not talking Fried Green Tomatoes-fun loving-innocent-Kathy Bates. i’m talking Stephen King’s Misery-Psycho Bitch From Hell-Kathy Bates. not only could she not run a new line, she couldn’t take the old one out without ripping it from my arm. she ripped it. from my arm. it spurted. oh yeah, and thanks for the band-aid, by the way, do you have anymore? maybe some gauze? jesus lady, is this your first day? i need more gauze. more. more, you stingy Gauze Whore. we’ve got a bleeder! tourniquet! tourniquet!

“but jaimie-“

shut up. i know. these people have to know their shit or they might kill me. you know what? i don’t care. if these mushy-brained bungholes screw up the Sleepy Time Medicine do you know what happens? you fall asleep and die. (personally, i’m thinking that’s the way to go.) you either fall asleep and die, or wake up and live a full and meaningful life. it’s win-win, okay? so don’t even.

P.S.
pathology departement? who the hell are you? i never saw a pathologist. not a one. no one called me about testing my gall bladder. so how do i even know you tested it? but you only want $81 so i don’t even care. and even if you did test it i’ll never know the results because my doctor NEVER TELLS ME ANYTHING. EXCUSE ME, SIR. COULD YOU PLEASE COME DOWN OFF YOUR GIANT EGO FOR A MOMENT AND EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME, A POOR MORTAL. i promise that as soon as you answer my question you can go back to SMELLING YOUR OWN GODDAMN FARTS.

and this guy, my doctor (not the surgeon, who by the way actually did something and therefore, i did not mind paying him.) he comes to the hospital twice and both times he’s in my room for less than 12 seconds. “hi jaimie, how are you doing? great. i’ll see you tomorrow, m’kay?”
and this guy has the cojones to send me a bill for $230!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didn’t even ask him to come by! he just did! i thought he was being courteous! but no! well fine. here. glad to know i could make the payment for your beemer this month. fink!

******

sorry for the swear words, i just had to rant and get this off my chest. i’m sure that those of you who work in the medical field are all nice and competent workers who earn your money.

not.
you ass raping money snatchers.

next week’s epitomb: jaimie is killed by a pack of vomit-eating nurses.

jaimie “from no credit to bad credit” pickle

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