The One About Drinking in the Shower

Category: weekleez

 

 

The One About Drinking in the Shower
April 07, 2004

hi kids,

so i got the hiccups today. and i was on the phone when it happened.

m: okay so should i hicalp erm. excuse me.

l: huh?

m: sorry, what i was going to ask is should i hicaaarlp. oh my. i seem to have the hiccups.

l: heh.

m: well that hiccaaaahrpld. crazy. i never get hiccullsps the hiccups. you do.

l: we must’ve switched places.

m: totally. it’s opposirulp. opposite day.

l: sucks to be you.

m: hiralllsp. i gotta go.

so then i got to thinking about hiccups and how strange they are. and then i figured i better “get rid of them” so i started to hold my breath because holding my breath always gets rid of the hiccups.

and while i was holding my breath (for 15 minutes) i thought about how when someone gets hiccups all of a sudden everyone in the vacinity becomes a witch doctor and they tell you their Magical Way of getting rid of the hiccups.

“you gotta drink a glass of water with a paper towel over it. backwards.”

what?

“drink thirty sips of water without taking a breath.”

okay.

“i know how to get rid of hiccups. you gotta AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! did i scare you?”

shut up.

so anyway i hold my breath and eventually it feels like my skull is going to explode and i think, “i wonder if anyone’s head has ever exploded from holding their breath to get rid of hiccups? probably not.” but i can’t help but continue that train wreck of thought. and i wonder what that crime scene would be like. the investigators come in with their flashlights and say, “oh yeah. classic case of Breath Holding to Get Rid of the Hiccups. all the signs are here. half finished bottle of beer. exploded head. tell the captain we’ve got a Code 7-niner-32 Delta.”

“i tell ya. i see it all the time. but it never get’s any easier.”

“i know what you mean. but really, if it gets easier, it’s time to find a new job.”

and then the Who song starts up.

that’s the episode of CSI that i want to watch.

but what does this have to do with the shower?

well after i exploded my head to get rid of the hiccups i decided to go take a shower ‘cos i had gotten home from work and since i worked hard in the sun all day, i really needed a shower. but i still had half a bottle of beer. and i didn’t want it to get warm.

so i was sitting there, all sad ‘cos my beer was about to be sacrificed. when i remembered a conversation i had with laura the other day about how fanatical diet coke drinkers are. she said she knew several fanatical diet coke drinkers, and that yes, they are in fact, fanatical. and i told her that i read about one lady who, first thing in the morning, drinks a diet coke while she showers. and kris walked by and was all, “oh i love drinking in the shower!”

m: what?

k: oh yeah, there’s nothing better than a cold soda while taking a shower.

m: really?

k: really. it’s awesome.

m: well. where do you put the soda while you’re bathing yourself?

k: there’s a goofy window in our bathroom so i put it on the sill. it’s perfect.

so anyway. i’m getting ready to take my afternoon shower and i seriously consider taking my brew with me, thinking, my goodness, how cliché would that be? i mean, everyone says that housepainters are alcoholics. it’s a standard. it’s a standard i want no part of, but at the same time, i am a housepainter, and on hot days there is NOTHING better than a cold beer.

so then i think, well okay, what they mean is that alcoholic housepainters show up on the job late and drunk. and i would certainly NEVER do that. so i’m not the cliché that everyone clichés about. i’m the New Generation of Housepainter. i only drink AFTER work and then, only in moderation. unless it’s like, tuesday or wednesday night. and the weekends don’t count. oh and thursday nights.

so, cliché in one hand and clothes and towel in the other i walked confidently into the bathroom and began Jaimie’s Ulitmate Shower Experience. drinking a cold beer while the fire-hot stream of water pelts your poor, tired back is the best thing since the shirt pocket was first sewn on shirts.

but then came the dillemma, Where Do i Put My Beer? ‘cos, unlike kris and laura’s shower, i don’t have a convenient (though weird) window sill to rest my frothy brew. and i don’t want to put it on the floor just outside of the shower ‘cos there’s always water when i get out, so i assume (uh oh) that somehow water sprays out from some place that i cannot locate because TRUST ME i have looked. my only guess is that the shower curtain seeps.

or maybe i could put it over by the faucet of the shower since the water sprays out past it, but no, water does hit it i guess ‘cos it’s pooled up on that shelf. and i don’t want nasty, soapy beer. if i did i would just drink budweiser.
burn!

so i look up, in defeat, the same way that when one looks for their keys, and after patting down their pockets they look under that envelope on the kitchen table, as if the keys are hiding completely flat under the cell phone bill. moron.

but i look up, and there…up there…in all it’s glory is a silly jutting. a completely random design plateau. it serves no previous function other than looks, but in all my genius it has become the Beer Shelf. and i imagine that’s exactly what the designer intended it to be.

“william, can you tell me why the shower doesn’t rest flush with the wall? what’s the point of the roundy bit there?”

“oh that? that’s the Beer Shelf.”

“oh. well who needs a Beer Shelf in the shower?!”

“housepainters.”

“ah. good work, william.”

yes william, my imaginary shower designer, good work indeed.


coors?! *sigh* coors.

after my glorious Shower Drinking Cantata (for there was singing, oh yes, there was singing) and after bathing and finishing my beer i turned the water off and proceeded to dry myself and then i went to the window (yes, there is a window in the bathroom, it just isn’t suitable for resting a beer on it) i opened the window (to let the steam out ‘cos we really need to install a fan in that bathroom but you know how it is.) so i open the window and i can see mom and dad sitting by the pool at the little round table out there and i say in a slight yell because they are kinda far away,

“hi mom!”

“hi! did you just get out of the shower?”

“yeah!”

“was it awesome?”

“yeah! i drank a beer in the shower! it was GREAT!”

but i’m hearing this mumble talk from the other side of the yard but i can’t see anything cos the window is so small.

“what’s that noise?!”

and mom points to the neighbor’s fence and does the talking motion with her hand. and she gives me the face that’s like, “of all the things to yell across the yard, jaimie.”

so. there’s the two neighbors. at the fence. talking. while i’m screaming HEY I JUST DRANK A BEER IN THE SHOWER.

typical tuesday afternoon.

in conclusion, drinking beer in the shower is awesome. however, being the Shower Beer Drinker Expert, i would recommend that you only shower and drink on your first or second beer. because let’s face it, the shower floor is slicker than two eels fornicatin’ in a bucket of snot (admittedly, fornicatin’ was NOT the first choice in F Words, but this is a Family Show. a Family Show about drinking beer while taking a shower, but a Family Show nonetheless), and you really need all the coordination that you can get what with the spraying water, soap and slippery floor.

next week’s epitomb: what else can i drink in the shower?

jaimie “a pepsi! i just know it!” pickle

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