The One About Eleanor

Category: weekleez

The One About Eleanor
March 02, 2004

hi kids,

this is all true. the names have been changed to protect the innocent. i’ve left the name of the guilty as is. ‘cos you know, guilty and all.

cast of characters:
eleanor: old, old lady who speaks with a classic southern drawl
b: eleanor’s daughter-in-law
g: eleanor’s grand-daughter, b’s daughter
s: b’s niece
m: s’s mom
j: me

[Act I

Scene I. Friday morning at kitchen table]

Enter b and j

b: j, i have the funniest thing to tell you.

j: what’s that?

b: it’s too funny. ok, eleanor-

j: oh! an eleanor story! i just love these stories.

b: i know! so eleanor was over at the house last night and she says, “you know, s will nevah get may-ried.” so i sit there and mentally count to ten. and i say, “what?” and she says, “s will never get married because she doesn’t shayah.”

j: oh my god!

b: so i wait for her to go on but she doesn’t so i ask her to explain what the hell she’s talking about. so she tells me that at the International Dinner the other night that s wouldn’t give her a bite of her dessert.

j: but i didn’t think she, “ate sahweets.”

b: she says she doesn’t but she does. anyway she did say that s offered to go and get her her own piece of cake. but i guess eleanor didn’t want her own piece. she just wanted a bite of s’s. she even said, “i hayad a clean spoon!”

j: oh for the love.

b: so g is there when eleanor is telling me this and says, “but nana, you don’t eat sweets.” and gives her that charming smile.

j:bahahahahahaha! oh that’s awesome! score one for g!

b: only g can get away with it. it’s so funny.

j: so s doesn’t share her cake. yes, that seems like a tragic flaw. ‘magic eight ball! will s ever get married? answer: no, she’s a cake hog.’ geez.

b: i know, i told eleanor that not everybody likes for people to eat off of their plates. she said, “way-ell, everbody at mah chuhch always shayahs.” i wanted to tell her that everybody probably only shares with her because she’s ancient and they’re all afraid of her. but i didn’t.

j: wow. so she bums food from everyone?

b: j! she does it ALL THE TIME! it’s horrible! she has some kind of fetish with food. it’s all about food with her no matter where she goes.

j: i knew about her food-love, remember the last time she was in the hospital? but i didn’t know about the eating off other’s plates.

b: yeah. she even has one of those extendo forks that she’ll whip out and snag food from someone three plates down.

j: you aren’t joking are you?

b: no! it’s awful! she snags food from everyone.

j: but not s.

b: heh. no, not s. “s doesn’t shayah.” then she was mad because s didn’t eat the whole piece.

j: skknt! are you going to tell s about this?

b: oh hell yes, i can’t wait to see her!

j: she’ll think that’s the funniest thing.

[Scene II. Friday evening. Party with booze.

Enter s and j]

j: s! did b tell you about eleanor?

s: yes! she just told me! isn’t that crazy?

j: oh yeah. gosh it was so funny. “s doesn’t shayah.”

s: hee. i didn’t know she was so upset about it. i offered three times to go and get her own piece, but each time she would say, “ah don’t eat desseht.”

j: heh. of course she doesn’t. she eats other’s dessehts. last year i was talking to g and she told me the funniest story. she said that eleanor had given her a small thing of chocolates in the shape of a heart, you know? and that it had 6 pieces of candy in it. so g offers her a piece of the candy, but eleanor says, “ah don’t eat sahweets.” g says she turns around and that eleanor ate 3 pieces of her candy! so now, anytime eleanor says something about eating sweets or dessert g reminds her that she doesn’t eat that stuff and gives her a sweet angelic smile.

s: oh man! that’s great! the funny thing is, i gave her a bite of my cake.

j: you did?!

s: yes. i’m not that stingy.

j: you gave her a bite of your cake?

s: yes.

J: does b know? did you tell her?

s: eleanor didn’t tell her?

j: no! that’s why you’re not getting married, ‘cos you don’t shayah! b! c’mere!

[enter b]

b: yeah?

j: s, tell her.

s: i did give eleanor a bite of the cake.

b: what?!

s: yeah. i gave her a bite. i thought she was mad ‘cos i didn’t give her another bite. i did give her a bite of my cake.

b: you’re kidding me! eleanor was so pissed that you wouldn’t give her a bite. she went on and on about how she had a clean spoon and everything!

s: no, i gave her a bite. i told her that mom and i were sharing that piece so that she wouldn’t take half the cake. but yeah, she got a bite of my cake.

b: oh my gosh.

s: she kept talking about the cake asking me what i thought was in the cake. i could tell she was wanting another bite, but c’mon i offered three times to get her her own piece. she’s not getting my all my cake.

j: besides she doesn’t eat dessehts.

b: skknt! she is so weird about food. she’s obsessed with it. anytime she goes someplace she has to bring some food back with her. the maid says it’s a wonder she hasn’t poisoned herself yet with all that food rotting in her fridge.

j: the only way to kill the undead is to cut the head off. the last time she was in the hospital she brought back food from the hospital and was going on and on about how good it was.

s: what?!

b: it’s true. a fruit plate i think it was. she wasn’t hungry when they brought her the food so she made them wrap it up for her so she could take it home since she was being discharged that day.

s: no.

b: yes. she never eats all her food so she can eat on it later on. she’ll tell me how she makes three meals out of one pork chop.

j: no.

b: yes! she never eats all of her meal but she’ll always want a bite of what you’re having. and when she breaks out that extendo fork…god! it’s so embarassing!

s: extendo fork?

b: you know, it’s like this 36 inch fork she keeps in her purse.

s: no she doesn’t!

b: yes! she does! she’ll sit there with her hands under the table and she’ll screw the extendo fork together ‘cos it’s in three or four pieces. then she’ll ask someone sitting across and down from her if she can have a bite of their cake or pie or whatever. and they’ll say yes because everyone’s too afriad to say no. then she’ll whip out that 3ft fork like it’s this hilarious joke but she does take a bite of their food with it. the only thing is, she’s so old now that she can’t control the fork very well and she ends up mauling the cake or pie or whatever. it’s horrible. absolutely horrible.

s & j laugh hysterically.

[Scene III. same party.

enter m]

s: j, did you call eleanor the undead?

j: yeah, leetle brahther used to do yard work for eleanor and he hated her. she was pretty evil to him so he called her the undead or vampire or something.

s: you’re kidding?

j: no, he would do the yardwork every saturday but still she would call every saturday morning to make sure that justin would be there. “is jason thayer?” she would ask. i would give the phone to him and say, “jason, it’s the vampire.” he would get so mad. ‘cos she treated him like he was an idiot. and also ‘cos his name’s not jason.

m: that’s horrible.

j: oh yeah. he’d get there and mow the lawn and pick up sticks and whatnot then she’d come out and tell him that when his dad came to pick him up (justin couldn’t drive yet) to have dad do the weedeating around the flower beds ‘cos she thought justin would rip up the flowers.

s: no way!

j: so dad would get there and justin would say, “the zombie wants you to do the weedeating.” and dad would say, “i don’t care what she wants. get out there and weedeat those beds and let’s go home.” so justin would weedeat the lawn every week anyway and still she would tell him to get dad to do it.

m: poor justin.

j: yeah, poor guy.

s: i still can’t believe the thing about the fork.

[End]

i totally wanted to fit a greek chorus in there somewhere.
geek chorus.
heh.

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