The One About the Carol Burnette Show

Category: weekleez

The One About The Carol Burnette Show
December 30, 2003

hi kids,

well, do you remember a few weeks ago the whole Elf Fiasco?

yeah well. the Elf Fiasco continues. a couple of nights after that weekly was written i came home late one night and as i was getting ready for bed i drew back the covers and there was that horrible elf hidden in my bed.
ha. ha.

and just two days ago when jimmy and i were leaving church, we got to the car and there in the front seat was a horrible ElfSanta Wizard. WONderful.


yes, it could be more blurry.

the Noojin Family deny that they put it there. but i know better. i recognized the orb.


damn, dirty elf orb!

The Noojins are in big trouble.

on with the show:

on sunday morning i was sitting around the kitchen table with my father and i glanced at the local tv guide thing. carol burnette was on the cover. so i said to dad as he was drinking his coffee and sleep-reading the funnies, “huh. can you believe that carol burnette still has red hair?”

dad didn’t say anything.

“hell, she looks younger now than she did in the seventies!”

that got a, “hm. yeah.” outta dad.
i don’t think he’s listening to me.

“so dad, did you guys watch the carol burnette show, y’know, back when it was new?” heh. i was trying to get a rise out of him. but it was morning, and he didn’t seem to care. i think he was still tired.

“eh, sometimes i guess. not really.”

“what?! i thought everyone watched that show?”

“nah. i guess we watched it when nothing else was on.”

“oh come on! everyone in america loved that show!”

“well i didn’t!”

“what?! oh please. remember how like, harvey corman would forget his lines and then the cast would be on the brink of busting out laughing? and the audience would be cracking up? everyone loved that show!”

that woke him up.

“oh come on! that was pure schtick! they messed up on purpose! shit. gimmie a break. every week they put just enough glue on harvey corman’s moustache so that halfway through his first line half of it is hanging off; then tim conway comes in and trips on nothing meanwhile everyone else is acting like they’re about to crack up during a skit that wasn’t funny in the first place! i saw right throught it! i can’t believe saturday night live didn’t pick up on that and make fun of it. sheeze.”

“i guess i…never thought of it that way before.”

“yeah, well i did.”

“so do you just hate everything or what?”

“no, not everything.”

“yes you do. if it wasn’t jimi hendrix or pink floyd… you hated everything!”

“hmm yeah you might be right.”

“hating the carol burnette show. what’s the matter with you? you didn’t hate the muppets did you?”

“no, i loved the muppets!”

“oh me too!”

“animal was my favorite. he’d just pound on the drums. crack me up. and that swedish chef!”

“i liked the two mean old guys.”

“yeah! i liked grover!”

“grover? from sesame street?”

“yeah, he was cute.”

“dad, i totally wanted to marry grover! *grover voice* near……far!”

“hahaha! hey and remember those alien things that would learn a new word?”

“yepyepyepyepyep uh huh, uh huh. book.”

“bookbookbookbook…”

“uh huh, uh huh yepyepyepyep.”

“and guy smiley!”

“and the count! ah ah ah.”

“i never liked the grouch in the garbage can.”

“no one did. i didn’t like the two monsters that were stuck together and sounded out words. it bothered me that they were stuck together. one of them would go one way and then the other would try to go the other way and they would start fighting. seemed painful.”

“i don’t remember those guys.”

“god, was jim henson just the biggest pot head or what?”

“hahaha i’ve never thought of that before. you might be onto something.”

“justin and i discussed that at great length a couple of years ago.”

“well, you about ready to go to church?”

“yepyepyepyepyepyep.”

“uh huh, uh huh ray…dee…oh.”

“ray dee oh. radio. yepyepyepyep…”

 

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