The One About Happy Holidays!

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we hates laura

The One About Happy Holidays!
December 16, 2003

hi kids,

well, it’s time once again for the Happy Holidays From ___! the neo-traditional third person POV christmas newsletter weekly. i wasn’t going to do one this year because laura and i don’t live together anymore and so basically it would be just like all the other weeklies: What Happened To Jaimie This Year? Here, Let Me Tell You. Oh? You’ve Heard All About It? Even The Squirrel? I See. Sorry, I’ll Stop Typing Now. Happy Holidays!

but then, just as i said i wouldn’t do one this year, i got one in the mail from a relative and i cringed and sat myself down with a strong cuppa coffee and dredged through the newsletter.

after wiping the tears from my eyes i decided that i would HAVE to write a stupid fake newsletter for the sake of others. (and stacy, it wasn’t your newsletter. i love the one you send. it’s funny. it’s fresh. it’s written in normal 1st person point of view.) but we all get that one that’s ridiculous and sad.

and so here’s my version.

Happy Holidays!

Jaimie hopes this letter finds you and your family in good health and spirits this holiday season. Jaimie is doing great but the year sure did start out a little bit crazy! It all started with one of her crazy-ass uncles having the dumbest birthday party ever, and then he just up and left town leaving behind a very fashionable ring for Jaimie to keep.

Well, it turned out that the ring was really important for some reason (she still doesn’t know what the deal about the ring is) and some very important people were upset that the ring was in existence so she used her mad diplomacy skillz and told them she’d get rid of it for them. Her schedule has been pretty flexible since she quit the sign shop and started painting houses.

By February she and her friends had made the journey thru some really dark tunnels. Turns out, Jaimie hates tunnels. After she cried for a few minutes a giant cave troll came along and beat the crap out of her. The bad part was that her friend, Flandalf died in the tunnels. (but don’t worry! he came back in June: The Sequel.)

Springtime came along and the flowers grew and the woods were pretty. But Jaimie didn’t notice any of it because she had been separated from her friends and was busy pressurewashing houses. Wow! Did she stay soaked all through the summer!

Eventually these bad guys came after her and her friends. They were very dirty. So were the bad guys. In fact, the only one who seemed to never get dirty was the elf. Jaimie hates elves.

Anyway by summer Jaimie was probably halfway to Giant Volcano Land. She met some people. They sucked. While she was out just walking around her other friends were having to fight all these wars. It seemed redundant. If Jaimie had been there she would have been really pissed about it. Although she did hear that the elf kicked major ass.
Still, she hates elves.

Eventually Jaimie was kidnapped and taken to the colorless city of Flondor. She hated that place. Even her green hair had no color in that place. What’s up with that?

By late autumn pressurewashing season was over and Jaimie was way glad for that. She was sick and tired of being soaking wet all day long. She also hated the Giant Screeching Flying Guys. Stupid Screech-holes.

By winter she had made it to Giant Volcano Land. It was a dark and ugly place. Kind of like how Flondor had been a grey and ugly place. As she was making it past the bad guys, her friends made another war so that she could sneak up on the volcano.

…

Eventually Jaimie saved the world.
It took a long time.
And she never, not once, not even a tiny bit, felt sorry for that Gollum dude. She hated that tricksie, false bastard.

Merry Christmas!

Jaimie “Baggins” Pickle

it’s weird because jimmy was totally all over the gollum pathos while i was all, “god, when does he DIE?” sometimes i feel bad that jimmy loves a heartless bitch.

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