The One About Our Pumpkin

Category: weekleez

The One About Sometimes I Don’t Know What Comes Over Me
October 28, 2003

hi kids,

sometimes i don’t know what comes over me.

every once in a great while i’ll just be craZy-jaimie and i’ll do craZy extroverted things! and i’m not counting the times i drink more alcohol than i weigh. and of course i’m going to give you an example.

back in august my family and i went to Louisiana for a very tiny, rushed “vacation”. well, i’m not the best car rider, but also i’m not the worst. after about an hour i’m usually ready to get out of the car and scream. so after about four hours in the car i was ready to get out, scream, and kill a small bus load of puppies.

so we stopped at a rest area and i charge straight for the bathroom with mom not too far behind me. well, this rest area was deserted. i mean, it was kinda eerie, like apocalyptic or something. but at least it had clean toilets, right? right.

so i go into the restroom and notice i’m the only one in there and i go into the stall and start doin’ my bidness and the door to the restroom opens and i know it’s mom and for some reason (possibly the traveling. possibly a snapage of the brain.) i start making obnoxious farting noises with my mouth.

“THHHPBPBPBPBPBPBBPT!”

“hahahaha oh my gosh jaimie, you have been spending too much time with your dad.”

“THPBPBPB! THP! THPBPBPBPBBPBPBPBPPPPBPBPPTPBPT! hahahahaha tweeeeeeeeethhthpbpbpbpbt! great acoustics huh?”

“hahahahaha”
“hahahahaha”

so we laugh some more and i flush and go wash my hands. meanwhile mom is in her stall trying to figure out the auto-flush system.
“how does this thing flush? it’s not flushing.”
“um, just walk away mom and it’ll flush. if you think that’s hard try washing your hands. ya gotta wash one at a time ‘cos it keeps shutting off if you move.”

so she gets out and struggles with the faucet so i lean over and block the sensor with my hand so she can wash her hands normally. i make another fart noise.

“jaimie, what’s got into you?”

“i dunno. as soon as i got in here i turned seven years old.”

then we hear a flush.
“gosh it sure took my toilet long enough to auto-flush didn’t it?”
“yeah, modern technology is grand.”

but see, it wasn’t mom’s toilet. for her toilet had flushed already.

then this lady comes out of a stall. and let’s just say she is not amused.

mom and i give each other the “oh shit. busted.” look.

so we beat feet outta there. as soon as we get outside we bust out laughing like two kids at a helen keller joke. and we giggle all the way back to the car. dad and best who were already back at the car ask, “what’s so funny?” and we laugh all over again and point to the lady who was walking down the sidewalk and we tell of our adventure.
“gosh, jaimie. that’s not like you.”
“i know. well, not out in public anyway.”
“i know. what’s gotten into you?”
“i dunno. but man, that was funny.”

AND IN OTHER FITS OF RANDOM:

dad came home with a punkin today and while dad and i were gooping out the punkin innards, my family and i had this conversation (what’s great is that none of us look up from what we are doing the whole time we are talking. mom is doing the crossword puzzle and dad and i are cleaning the pumpkin):

dad: how’s charlie doing?

mom: i called the hospital this morning and they’ve moved him to a room.

*scoop plop*

dad: that’s great! no more CCU?

mom: nope.

jaimie: CPU?

*scoop plop*

dad: CPR?

j: CPA?

m: LBJ?

j: FDR?

*scoop plop*

d: JFK?

j: RBG?

*scoop plop*

d: FDA?

m: FDIC?

*scoop plop*

d: TLC?

m: DCE?

j: MIT?

m: K-E-Y?

d: M-O-U-S-E?

*scoop plop*

yes. we are a TV family. we have more sitcom moments in a day than most people have all month. jealous?
you should be.

also, you should be jealous of our Devil Punkin!


note how the glare from the flash ruins the picture.
yet covet our banana pepper horns.


marvel at our flashless glory.


recoil in horror at the many sharp, child-eating teeth of doom.

we love us some pumpkin carving at the Pickle House. what? what did you say? oh i know y’all di’int. our pumpkin can kick your pumpkin’s ass, yo. mmhmm ba-ring it.

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next week’s epitomb: soylent green beans.

jaimie “happy halloween!” pickle

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