The One About Irony

Category: weekleez

The One About Irony
July 28, 2003

hi kids,

so i read this article about irony, and i have decided that i will never again use any form of the word irony to descirbe anything that i think has in any way, shape, or form something to do with irony. because i just don’t know how to use it any more. i blame alanis, writers, and teachers for my lack of knowledge of irony. and also laura, who periodically brings up the fact that sometimes she forgets what irony is and then we all have to stop and think about it at great length, and even find ourselves looking up the definition of irony only to once again forget what the hell it means and how to use it properly*.

well, i don’t really blame alanis. but everyone who ever writes anything about irony must point out that her 1994 uber-mega-hit ironic had nothing to do with irony. at all. and heaven forbid i not poke fun as well. besides this way i won’t get e-mail saying that i forgot to mention that alanis once had a song about irony, but that it wasn’t about irony at all and really, isn’t that ironic?
no, no it isn’t. because claiming that something that is not ironic to be in fact ironic is not ironic at all. i think that’s called lying.

but see, irony is like the parallelogram of the english language: all squares are parallelograms but not all parallelograms are squares.

and don’t i just hate irony for that?

por exemplo:
the definition of irony in my big, honking, red dictionary says that irony is 1. a method of humourous or subtly sarcastic expression in which the intended meaning of the words used is the direct opposite of their usual sense [the irony of calling a stupid plan “clever”]

that’s irony? so sarcasm is irony? or is it? once again big, honking, red dictionary:

sarcasm: 1. a taunting, sneering, cutting, or caustic remark; jibe or jeer, generally ironical

is ironical a word?

see, that’s where the whole irony/parallelogram comes in. irony is sarcasm but not all sarcasm is ironic.

and so basically irony is a lie too because you state the opposite of the truth. that’s a falsitude no matter what. so in that sense irony is a lie but not all lies are ironic.

for instance the sentence:
jimmy is a drunken whore.
lie
jaimie is a drunken whore.
truthitude
jimmy saying, “compared to jaimie, i’m a drunken whore.”
irony
i think. hell, i don’t know. i’m not going to assume that anything in text form or spoken aloud is ironic ever again. it’s all literal now, baby. you’re either a liar or an asshole, but ironic…i’ll never give you the satisfaction.

what’s even more confusing (not really) is situational irony. i mean, if someone chokes and dies while eating a lifesaver…is that ironical? the big, honking, red dictionary’s example of SI is the firehouse burning down. so if A is equal to B and C is equal to irony then not ALL unfortunate deaths are ironic.

*see that’s situational irony (wait. is it? shit.) except that i don’t believe in irony any more. so really it’s just us being forgetful.

oh enough with the nearly smart talk already.

once again dad and i were listening to the wacky oldies AM station in town (it’s horrible by the by. they never finish playing a song! and they’ll interrupt in the middle of a song to play the news reel. c’mon people, it’s radio! you TIME these things. if you MUST play the same news real at every hour then maybe you could sync the songs. if the bleedin’ jr. college station can figure it out i’m sure you can too. or i dunno, maybe hire one of the students from the jr. college. geez, i gotta think of every thing?) it’s WGAD 1350, it’s horrible, but we’re sick to death of classic rock. and neither one of us can stand the new music and then there’s country but over our collective dead bodies… so AM oldies it is.

anyway they start to play brandy you’re a fine girl and i really love that song. so i say, “y’know dad, i really like this song. i think i like it ‘cos it tells a story and i love songs that tell a story.”

dad: oh yeah? hey, is brandy a prostitute in this song?

me: what? no! she’s a waitress.

dad: are you sure? doesn’t she sleep with all the sailors at the harbour or something?

me: geez dad, wasn’t this like, your prom song or something? she’s a waitress and she doesn’t sleep around ‘cos her true love sailorman sailed away.

dad: you sure she wasn’t a lesbian?

me: what?! no! she wanted the sailor. the sailor was the one whose “life, love and lady were the sea”. huh, maybe he was gay.

dad: y’know, that reminds me of this other song about this boat that sank in the great lakes…

me: we are not going there.

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