The One About the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Category: weekleez

The One About A Conversation or:
The One About The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
August 12, 2003

hi kids,

so the other day i was consuming mass quantities of alcohol with my good friend Flippy Chinchilla. actually, we weren’t drinking that much. of course that depends on who we are comparing ourselves to. if we are comparing ourselves to the main character in that movie Arthur then we were so not drinking a lot. however, if we are comparing ourselves to say, a devout mormon, well there you go.

so anyway Flippy says, “oh! i better check my cell phone in case i need to sign a warrant or something.”

me: sign a warrant? can lawyers do that?

flippy: (checking phone distractedly) huh? oh. no. but tonight i’m filling in for judge-“

me: oh my gosh! are you Substitute Judge tonight?!

flippy: heh. yeah. actually for the whole week.

me: what?! wow! that is so awesome! you’re the judge! the Subjudge! god that is so cool.

flippy: (laughs) yeah i g-

me: so have you signed any warrants yet? oh wow.

flippy: not today i-

me: my god. you are the judge! all hail judge flippy and her amazing mad judging skillz!

flippy: well it’s not like-

me: how the hell did you get this gig anyway? weren’t you subjudge last year too?

flippy: yeah. they have a conference twice a year and

me: so they pick you? or is it like, a drawing? do they put all the lawyer’s names in a hat? or wait…do they just work their way down Walnut Street?

flippy: hahaha no. a couple of years ago they needed someone to be substitute judge and my name came up so…it just stuck.

me: oh my god. you are famous! a famous subjudge! with a name like Flippy you know you’re getting top notch judgement.

flippy: (laughs) jaimie you’re killing me.

me: holy shit, i’m sitting across from the only cicuit judge in town. wait. how far is your range or whatever anyway? are we talking just Gadsden or…”

flippy: no, it’s the whole county actually.

me: oh my god! how glamourous! the glitz! the fame! and here you sit…with me! one of the little people!

flippy: (laughs)

(enter Dad and Best)

me: you guys, flippy is the judge.

flippy: you wanna be a bailiff? it doesn’t pay anything but still.

me: what?! i can be a bailiff?! yeah! hell yeah! oh wow!

dad: jaimie we have to work all week. you won’t have time to be a bailiff. we’ve got a deadline.

(he is so paul sr. isn’t he?)

me: deadline? hello? bailiff here! hmmm let’s see. paint a stupid house…bailiff….painting….bailiff…painting…glamour and fame. dad come on. think of the weekly it would make.

flippy: (laughs)

best: she could probably even deputize you.

me: (with glitter stars in my eyes) *gasp* really!? oh that would be so awesome! i’d be all like, “hey don’t mess with my weak ass, i’m a deputy…y’know, for a short period of time…ok, until 6pm but still…deputy here!” my friends would be so jealous.

flippy: well, if i need a bailiff i’ll let you know.

me: oh yeah, i’ll be your bailiff anytime. god, flippy you live the most glamourous life. i swear, you are famous.

flippy: heh. hardly. but thanks for making me laugh so much. i needed that.

me: no problem. besides i may need the favor of a judge sometime when they come to arrest my ass for downloading songs on the internet.

flippy: oh honey, you’ll need a federal judge for that.

me: shit. then what use is all this glitz and glam of being a judge?

flippy: well last time i was judge an extridition came up.

me: sounds glamourous! what is it?

flippy: this guy had committed a crime in another state and those authorities found him here.

me: oh my god! how awesome! did you sell him out?!

flippy: (laughs) no i didn’t have to. the real judge came back and

me: oh wow. would you have sold him out?

flippy: no. i was going to make the governor do it.

me: you rock.

****

you know. i don’t feel particularly guilty for downloading songs ‘cos i don’t really download a lot of stuff (once again depending on who we compare ourselves to). oh sure, it’s still “wrong” in the grand scheme of things (el scheme-o grande), but until the price of CDs goes down i’m not gonna feel bad at all for downloading the occassional song.

however, i will admit that i’m ashamed of the songs i have downloaded. to me, it would be ten times worse for someone to say, “hey jaimie, can i see what mp3s you have on your computer?”

“uh. i don’t have any.”

“yeah right, let’s see… what’s this?”

“nothing. that’s not mine.” which is what every crackhead on Cops says when the policeman pulls a crackpipe out of the crackhead’s pocket. “is this yours?”
“uh no. that’s not mine.”
“then who’s is it?”
“i don’t know man, but that’s not mine.”
“this. this crackpipe i found in your pocket. it’s not yours?”
“no, man.”

stupid crackheads.

“what the…Gordon Lightfoot?”

“that’s not mine.”

“Gordon Lightfoot? jaimie c’mon. oh my…Marty Robbins? Roger Miller? what? how old are you anyway? Cher?”

“those aren’t mine. i think justin downloaded those last time he was in town.”

“and i suppose justin downloaded Emerson, Lake and Palmer too?”

“no that was me. justin downloaded the Glen Campbell.”

“no he didn’t.”

“he could have.”

“yeah, if he were 50.”

“shut up.”

*****

right, so i’ve not had that conversation yet, but this one i did have while dad and i were painting an ancient fireplace in Attalla, AL. (aka: Gadtalla. also, Attalla III):

me: whoa, they’re playing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald on the radio. which is kinda odd, ‘cos i mention Gordon Lightfoot in the weekly.

dad: huh. i haven’t heard that in a while. wasn’t this off his Greatest Hit album?

me: greatest hit? oh dad that’s cold.

dad: (laughs)

me: did they play this song a lot back in the ’70s? like when it happened?

dad: oh hell yes. in cleveland they played it every half hour. in fact, i think they still do. cleveland has the album.

me: the Greatest Hit album?

dad: that’s the one.

me: he had more than one hit, dad.

dad: yeah, let’s see, he did the one about the lake they call Gitche Gumee…

me: dad that’s the same

dad: and then there was the one about Lake Erie.

me: haha. dad really

dad: and then there’s the one about the “winds of november”.

me: okay dad. i get it. he had one hit.

dad: hence the Greatest Hit album.

me: well, that’s one more hit than we have. plus i always liked that Sundown song.

dad: oh wait, didn’t he do that song about the big boat that sank?

random closing thought:
i am fairly certain that if i never have to hear another Elton John song that i could totally live with that.

Tags: , ,

No Comments

Comments are closed.