The One About Altoids

Category: weekleez

Editor’s note: Okay, so Jaimie sometimes asks me to write a weekly so she won’t have to. We have this whole song and dance where she says “hey, why don’t you write a weekly” and I say “only you think I’m funny.” But while I may not be funny, I know funny when I see it. I’ve edited a couple publications in my day, so that’s what this is: a weekly not written by Laura, but edited by Laura. The kids over at derfleeganforum did all the writing. (Gratuitous plug.)

So, without further ado, I bring you…

THE ONE ABOUT ALTOIDS, A FLEEGAN FORUM FRENZY

Cowboy Zydeco started the discussion:
You know, there are entirely too many things in this world that are tiny, cute, but nonetheless evil. Gerbils. Platypuses. Cats. Mazda Miatas. Altoids. My date to the junior dance. I’m sure there’re more examples. I’m sure there’s some good reason for it. I’m going to have to ask God about that, next time I see him. Maybe that’s a substantial part of what makes heaven heaven. No evil lizards. No mosquitoes. No platypuses. And certainly no tiny, evil 16 year old vixens who reach up, rip out your still-beating heart, and impale it on their 4″ spiked prom heels!

Jaimie responded:
i loved that you included mazda miatas and altoids in your list of tiny, cute and evil things. i hate altoids… i also hate that people think it’s so cool to suck on anything that is minty and painful at the same time and act like it’s no big deal. shut your mouth freak. quit bragging that you can stand it, that it’s not burning you. yes it is, your eyes give you away. and what’s the point anyway? even if you suck on so many that you’ve gotten used to it that just means you’re an even bigger idiot than the high schooler who lies that it’s not burning his tongue. you’ve just burned of all your tastebuds and mouth nerve endings all so you think you’re so damn cool. well f*** your chemically burned minty mouth and f*** metallica too while you’re at it!

my god, i hate altoids so much.

i hate minty things because i hate the way a beer tastes after eating a minty thing. i prefer cinnamon. (jimmy hates pennies. he hates them and claims that they are so out of date. i called him a communist.)

Jaimie’s concurrence on Miatas riles the Cowboy up:
I hate Miatas. And that whole class of car. You know, the dinky little pony-cars that look like used bars of soap with wheels. (Although I do enjoy being the passenger in one. Not that they’re comfortable or anything.)

All things considered, I prefer my knees BELOW my ears when I sit, thanks much. But I love the look of dismay and annoyance on the face of the driver, when they realize that their precious little pseudo high performance baby wasn’t designed to deal with unanticipated loads… Like PASSENGERS. I love that squeeking, grinding noise they make when the driver tries to make his customary show-off 5-G turn, and has to fight to maintain control because I’ve just added 12% to the weight of the car. (I actually calculated it once.)

Go buy a real car, not a roller skate! Buy a big honking 4 door Oldsmobile sedan, like a REAL man! Bwahahahaha! I’ve had eight, count ’em, EIGHT passengers in MY car, and it didn’t squeal like a little girly car when I made a turn. One passenger. Pfft. That’s not a load. That’s BALLAST!

Stoopid little girly roller skate cars.

Faithful Atheist interjects a bit about platypi:
Actually a platypus is kinda dangerous. They have these little spurs on the inside of both hind leg ankles that is connected to a venom gland which produces a very strong toxin. The spur can be used in defense against predators (the venom can cause excruciating pain in humans and is strong enough to kill a dog). But the fact that it is restricted to the male – and that the gland reaches its greatest development in the mating season – suggests that it is normally employed in aggressive encounters between males. So basically, don’t mess with platypus’s woman.

Cowboy is too blinded with Altoid anger to notice, though:
And I don’t get the whole candy-as-endurance-contest thing, either. Oooh. You can stand to eat something that’s too minty. Wow. You ARE tough. Pfft. Come back when you can gargle razor blades without whimpering, and I’ll be impressed. In fact, go practice. Now. I’ll wait.

But then he calms down and chastises FA:
There was a whole Weekly about the platypus. Don’t you know you’re supposed to have these memorized? What kind of DerFleeganForum member are you, anyway?!? Shame on you. SHAME!

Jaimie wants Cowboy to rock on with his bad, ballast-knowing self:
yeah! yeah CZ you are right on!

rant day! you stoopid razor eating, mint, dumb heads!

yeah! ballast! that’s right! you tell ’em!

yeah! and when my jeep works i can fit some people in there too! and in the back! i can put big blocky things in there! and if i need to haul a trailer well, i dunno, i’ve never had to haul a trailer, so there! i don’t even know if i have a hitch back there. nyeh!

in fact, my jeep doesn’t even have 4WD! what’s the matter with you, jeep? you are the only jeep in the state without 4WD! why isn’t that standard?! you stoopid dumb head! i hate you! always breaking! always leaking! you have no accelerating power! i press the gas and you go slower sometimes! i know you do! the speedometer hasn’t broken yet! don’t lie to me! i hate liars and you!

oh baby, no. i’m sorry honey. i didn’t mean it. baby? where are you going, babe? i love you, baby. don’t go. please? i’ll change i promise. all i ever want to do is love you, you know that. please come back? yeah, that’s it turn around and look at me honey. see these tears? they’re for you. all for you honey. i’m sorry for yelling at you and for calling you a dumb head. i didn’t mean it baby. it’s just that…sometimes you make me mad. and i…i don’t know what happens. you break and then i break and then i have to pay money to have you fixed and then one of the speakers will go out and just when i replace one of the head lights the other one goes out and YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE YOU RED BITCH! I GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE AND YOU TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE AND NOW I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MAYBE I’LL JUST GO BUY A REAL CAR MAYBE ONE WITH 4WD!

oh baby no, come back! please, i’m sorry baby. honey where are you going? huh? baby? where are you going? YOU’RE GOIN’ NOWHERE! ‘COS I GOT THE KEYS, YOU RED BITCH!

(The Cowboy is forced to take a moment, for he cannot stop saying to himself “cos I got the keys, you red bitch” and snickering.)

Cookie Magoo joins the fray by defending the candies of evil:
I like altoids, but only the cinnamon ones. Now they have the new altoid strip that melts on your tongue. It’s all like, I don’t have time to eat a mint, beeotch, I want INSTANT MINTY BREATH!

I tried one of those Listerine strips one morning on the drive to work. Which turned out to be a big mistake. Because I wanted minty breath. I didn’t want mint smoke coming out my eyeballs.

Cowboy admits that he has been known to use Listerine strips:
I usually carry a pack of those little Listerine things in my pocket, just as a preventative measure. Mine are the original mint ones. I find the cinnamon ones are kind of ineffectual. I need breath freshening with AUTHORITY!

I sometimes wish they made them in garlic flavor, though. There are some folks I’d love to be able to actively offend with my breath. See the annoying, rambling office guy, pop a garlic strip. “Hhhhiii! Hhhhhoward! Hhhhow are hhhyou doing?” Then, after his eyes start watering and he runs for the hills, you just pop a conventional strip, and you’re good to go. Someone needs to make this product.

Or if that doesn’t work, maybe we need one that produces copious amounts of flammable gas (hydrogen?) when exposed to saliva. Pop a strip, flick your lighter, and breath fire at his annoying ass. (Or whatever appendage is handy.) Nothing says “Leave me alone!” like a jet of flame from your mouth. Maybe you could package them with those mint lifesavers that spark when you bite them (or maybe the fuel packet could be jammed in the hole in the middle), so it’d be self-igniting. Pop-bite-crackle-FOOM! Okay, some people might blow their own heads off in the process, but it’d still be cool.

Cowboy also informs us that Altoids have gone Goth, which inspired the poem by Jaimie that closed the discussion, and thus, this weekly:

dark pain.
like my heart
black
a cancer
me
a vampire
cursed
numb
i must feel
pain
blinding
minty
burning
like a white-hot sun of
wintergreen fury
like my eyeliner
running
into my eyes
i am so goth
with my painful
fresh breath

lauracatoe.com sent this site about names which says that:

pickle is the #5261 most common last name.
0.002% of last names in the US are pickle.
Around 5000 US last names are pickle!

next week’s epitomb: a conversation

jaimie “altoids…how do i hate thee? let me count the ways” pickle

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