This Weekly is Out of Order

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The One About Nickelodeon
July 28, 2003

hi kids,

so the other day i was talking to this kid. ok, actually i was not talking to the kid. i was standing near the kid who was talking to an adult. i realize that i am an adult, but when i say adult i don’t mean me. i mean an older person. i don’t know why i don’t feel adultish yet. maybe it’s because i’m not married and have 2.3 kids. or 23 kids, whatever. tangent. sorry.

so anyway apparently this kid, whom we will refer to as billy even though that’s not his name, went on vacation and while on vacation he went to Nickeodeon. i was not aware that Nickelodeon is a real place nor did i ever think that if Nickelodeon was a real place that people could actually go to it, so i’m not sure exactly where it is, how to get there, or even what takes place there.

so anyway the adult (not me) asks, “did you get slimed?”

and billy the kid says, “yeah, on the last day we all got slimed.”

so there you go. you get slimed at Nickelodeon. duh.

so i look at this kid and i guess he’s 8 or 9 years young and i think to myself, does this kid even know about slime? i think not! and i became very upset about this. enraged even. because let me tell you what for. these kids today, these lazy self-absorbed children take ‘getting slimed’ for granted. damn kids! why you little…

so i grabbed little billy by the collar and said, “listen up you little punk. you got slimed, right? do you know why? do you know why you got slimed?! do you!? tell me! tell me why you got slimed at Nickelodeon! where did the slime come from you stupid brat?! where?! and if you say Double Dare i’ll choke you right now. i’ll do it! i will!”

ok so i didn’t do that. also if you would like me to baby-sit your child you might want to reevaluate your options. haha i kid. i’m great with children. and booze. i’m really great with booze.

so anyway i was thinking about getting slimed and i remember where the whole slime thing originated only because i watched that show everytime it came on TV. it was You Can’t Do That on Televeision. and i thought it was great because it was like the kids were in charge, when in reality they were probably over-worked and hooked on smack. but that’s not what’s important. what is important is that little billy and his whole Generation D posse will probably never know about that show until Nickelodeon decides to make Nick-Nick at Nite where they show all the old Nick stuff that i had to watch as a kid.

which as i think back on, was probably all crap, but was also the only thing on after school that wasn’t news or boring adult stuff. and true, i watched a lot of PBS as a kid, but sometime it hit me that Nickelodeon was more cool than PBS. not that i could say that now. i’ve seen the Nicktoons that the kids are watching today and it makes me feel old because the cartoons look kinda gross. i mean all the kids have misshapen heads and their mouths are as wide as their whole face. yeah, it bothers me.

ok so maybe my imagination has gone on vacation or something. but those cartoons look terrible. and that arnold kid? the football head? yeah, ouch. and i know that the Rugrats and the Wilf Thornberries are like the hottest thing around, but no kidding what ugly drawings. and i saw on TV the other day that two of the Thornberries are going to be at the local mall sometime soon and it showed the two characters mascot outfit type things. oh god.

those things looked horrible! they were terrifying! and sure, the costumers or whoever did a good job of making them look like the 2D cartoons but geezum pete, they look bad enough in 2D. the 3D counterparts are just plain wrong and scary and not anything i would want my kid to sit on the lap of. sorry. i guess i am old.

so yeah, i think Nick should make a Classic Nick channel or even just a couple of hours on latenight they should show some of the old Nick stuff. like that Pinwheel show. do you remember that? i do but it’s vague. i think it was for the younger kids. i’m not sure but the more i think about it, i think that it was probably heavily drug induced. it was too artsy not to be.

and what about that terribly sad cartoon with the young boy (sebastian) and his giant white dog? and he was always trying to find his mom?

*****

so anyway i started this one about a week and a half ago and i can’t really remember why i started it in the first place. and by now the whole Nickelodeon thing seems lame.

THIS WEEKLY IS OUT OF ORDER

We here at the Weekly apologize for the half weekly that was posted for this week. We usually hate for this sort of thing to happen and generally We fire somebody, anybody, immediately. Unfortunately We fired our last scapegoat about six (6) weeks ago, perhaps you remember The One About Jaimie’s Bathingsuit Crisis? We know. We didn’t think it was funny either. Well, maybe the part where she and her mom talk back and forth in code, wait. No. We’ve decided that that wasn’t funny either.

We, the powers that be, have decided instead to just fire Jaimie as we figure that will insure that there are no future half weeklies, half-assed weeklies, or even any barely tolerable weeklies. We, just like you, are sick and tired of this rambly flim-flam that Jaimie insists on posting week after dreadful week. So We decided that We would write the Weekly this week seeing as how We can’t do any worse than last week’s epitomb, the pathetic ear pierce adventure wherein a 25 year old finally gets ear holes. What a puss.

So here it is, Our Weekly.

Good Evening Children,

We were going to write you a funny essay but We couldn’t decide on what to write. Then We got into a huge fight and #4 sucker punched #2. Then #1 “accidentally” spilled burning hot coffee on Our arm (by the way, We’re #5, hi!) and now We’ve got blisters all over our arm and hand. In fact, They’re making Us type all this out ‘cos They know that it’s hurts Us.

But if We are a collective, then wouldn’t that mean that it hurts… Us? What We mean is, Us as a whole, for We are One! Except that I’m the one typing it and the others are in the lounge drinking cocktails and watching VH1. Secretly We (#5) hate the Others. Don’t tell!

In fact, We were happy that Jaimie finally got her ears pierced. Although We must admit, the swimsuit one really sucked. But We don’t think that #4 could do any better. Of course, We think #4 may be partially retarded…We’ll just say They’re slow. In fact, #4 couldn’t weekly Our way out of a wet paper sack.

*****

ok, you know what? this has become silly. i don’t know how Ayn Rand did it. and further more, We don’t know how to end this Weekly, and We think it’s apparent that We didn’t know how to begin it either.

THIS WEEKLY IS OUT OF ORDER

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