Category: weekleez

The One About I Need a Love Adventure
July 7, 2003

hi kids,

a conversation that didn’t exactly happen this way…

therapist: so all of your friends are married and moving on with their lives. how are you doing?

me: (staring at the door) huh? oh i’m fine how are you?

therapist: no, i mean, how does that make you feel?

me: i feel fine.

therapist: so you’re ok with the fact that you’ve been dating the same fleegan for 9 years with nothing to show for it meanwhile your friends are starting families and such?

me: um, what do you mean?

therapist: so you don’t think it’s pathetic* that you’ve dated the same guy for 9 years and you’re not married yet?

me: gee doc, when you say it like that it sounds awful. but when i say it, i add a depreciating laugh at the end of it and it kinda takes the sting out.

therapist: how do you feel about that?

me: how should i feel about that?

therapist: i don’t know. you tell me.

me: tell you what?

therapist: how do you feel about your friends being married?

me: relieved?

therapist: are you asking me?

me: asking you what?

therapist: how you feel.

me: no, that’s what you asked me.

therapist: what emotion do you feel?

me: emotion?

therapist: emotion.

me: what do you mean?

therapist: how do you feel about your friends being married and you not being married even though you’ve been dating the same fleegan for 9 years?

me: oh, you mean how do i feel about my friends being married and i’m not?

therapist: yes.

me: what do you mean?

therapist: you know what i mean.

me: ummmmmmmmm,

therapist: and don’t say fine.

me: fi- oh.

therapist: when you think about it. what emotion do you feel?

(eight minutes of silence)

me: are you asking if i feel jealous? is that what you’re getting at?

therapist: do you feel jealous?

me: mmmmm no.

therapist: good. some people might feel jealous or even bitter.

me: yeah, but i’m a lot lazier than most people.

so anyway, a lot of people keep asking me when i’m gonna get married. it’s really getting very old. kinda like laura and kris are getting sick of everyone asking them, “how’s married life?” so here, let me tell you when i’m getting married.

never.

now that you know you can all stop asking me about it, and while you’re at it let it sink in so that you can start accepting the harsh truth. once you accept it, the healing begins.

bitter? me? no way. i am far too exhausted to even entertain bitterness. i realize i have a 6 year head start. but you guys are smart and i know you can catch up.

but why jaimie, why no marriage? fear of commitment? is the thrill gone? do you even like the guy? how do you deal with your parents’ disappointment?

dunno. no. not exactly. yes very much, next question. gads, whoever asked that question should be pistol whipped.

see, it’s not so much that the thrill is gone. i think that it’s just that i’m lazy and he’s comfortable. it’s not a terrible place to be in, it’s just static. and trust me, we’re not the only relationship in the world like that. so go pick on someone else.

but i have this idea see. and i think it could really work.

you know how in the movies there’s the ex-husband/boyfriend and ex-wife/girlfriend and neither one of them have remarried or seriously dated anyone since thier initial break-up which the viewer did not see because it’s always implied or talked about at the begining of the movie?

OPENING SCENE: two girls at a bar having great fun flirting with the hot but too young bartender.

main girl: oh god, there’s my ex-husband.
quirky best friend: girl, what is up with you two? you both never date anyone. i think you’re still in love with him!
MG: no way!
QBF: yes way!
random drag queen: honey, denial ain’t just a river in egypt. he’s lookin’ at you like you’re in heat.
MG: oh gigi, that’s disgusting!
QBF: he’s right, that man’s hungry for love. you better set the table.
MG: (gets up from the bar throwing down some money) you girls are the horny ones. bye gigi, and you, quirky best friend, i’ll see you at work tomorrow.

and then somehow the main girl and her ex who now becomes the main guy in the movie (probably mel gibson or thom cruise *skknt* or some other hunka-hunka) get involved in a dangerous adventure. their lives are put in danger through no fault of their own. they bicker and argue the whole time. the girl blames the guy for their break-up and vice versa, “you slept with that bitch detective for god’s sake!” “you were never there for me! you were always working late with Raul the photographer! what was i to think?” “you could have asked!” “well i didn’t, so there!”

and during the fight scene when the guy is about to be thrown off the roof of a building because the girl accidentally saw the badguy dealing drugs when she came out of the bar that night which lucky for the girl her ex came out of the bar at the same time to ask her how she had been doing so he saves her by having a great parking space out front (he also drives a fast car) and they get away for now.

anyway, on the rooftop the guy is fighting the baddie and the baddie shoots him and the girl screams because now she’s so sad and realizes that she really loved him so much and he was her only true love and all that. so then the baddie sees her ‘cos she screamed and gave away her hiding place and he points the gun at her and says something horrible about how much fun he’s gonna have with her before he kills her and right when he grabs the stupid girl and tries to give her a sloppy kiss a gunshot is fired and you see a funny expression on the badguy’s face and he says something stupid with blood coming out of his mouth and then the exlover says something memorable which probably has something to do with the tagline of the movie and the girl heaves a sigh of relief ‘cos she sees that her undercover cop exlover was wearing a kevlar vest which makes the audience groan because it’s just what everyone was expecting. so then they embrace and declare their undying love for each other and the last scene is of them getting married and the bridesmaids are the quirky best friend and the drag queen. something funny is said. fade out. roll credits. make checks payable to jaimie pickle.

see, that’s what we need. we need a sort of life and death situation to bring us together and wake us up out of our static, safe relationship stupor.

now then, there’s a lot more of you guys out there than me, so i’m thinking that you guys could all get together and stage some kind of dangerous adventure for us. all i ask is that you don’t use loaded guns. also, when you kidnap me rough me up a bit to make it seem more real, but also make sure there’s a bathroom (a clean one) near by as i have to “go” a lot. thanks!

jimmy requests a cool car chase scene and maybe something really dangerous like a high jump or river rapids. but watchout! he’s had some karate lessons. i, on the other hand, have no defense other than the ol’ #3, which is Scream Like a Girl.

therapist: you do know that movies are fake right?
me: you are such an ass.
therapist: haha. i know. so have you thought about a shotgun wedding?
me: are you suggesting i get pregnant?
therapist: do you think it would work?
me: you know, you’re not the first person to suggest that.
therapist: what does that say?
me: that married people need to get a life.

* he would never say that.

and in other news: dante manglehorn caught two fish!


Dante is on the left. his friend Tokyo Adams is on the right.
they used beetle spins and TNT as bait.

next week’s epitomb: i cheat on jimmy with my secret mexican lover.

jaimie “the ol’ #3” pickle

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