The Letter to the Wasps

Category: weekleez

The Letter to the Wasps
July 1, 2003

Dear Hateful Wasps of Southside, Alabama,

The other day while my father and I were pressure washing a house in rural Southside, Alabama you filthy scum attacked us repeatedly. You flew at our heads when we were looking down and you flew very close to the ground when we were looking up. I must say that landing on my legs and shoes was a very bold move on your part, however two of your bretheren were killed in that maneuver. Was it worth it?

In all these two months that i have been working outdoors I have never experienced a problem with wasps. Ants and mosquitos yes, wasps no. In fact, up until two days ago I would have claimed that wasps are the most laid back of all the winged, stinging insects. Not anymore. That coveted title now goes to bumble bees for the bumble bees have left me alone.

Bumble bees are truly God’s creatures for they fly from flower to flower gathering pollen and leaving bits of it behind so that flowers can have their weird Flower Sex to make more flowers. Bees make the sweet, sweet honey that John the Baptist used to wash down the locusts and that we put on toast and in our hot tea to relieve our sore throats. And what do you do? What sort of gift do you provide for mankind? You build your evil Death Star nests of vomit paper on our eaves and under our wooden decks…the same wooden decks that our children walk on! You are truly children of Lord Satan and his Canadian minions.

Your aggressive attitude and tactical genius has alerted me to the possiblity of a secret laboratory somewhere in the farmland and hazy jungles of Southside, Alabama. Do not think for one second you can fool me. I recognized your aggressive behavior and your cunning fighting skillz for what they were…your ninjitsu stealth gave you away. And don’t think that I won’t find that lab and blow it up in an action sequence that would make Vin Diesel proud.

I don’t know why such an experiment was started in the first place. Perhaps it was a good expereiment gone wrong? Perhaps it was a rogue scientist trying to find the perfect formula for a new biological weapon? Although crossing a wasp with a barracuda just doesn’t seem like all that great of a weapon mainly because you wasps have tiny stupid brains that can’t even grasp the idea of not building your nests in the same exact spot that I just drenched with poison and knocked to the ground and stomped on saying, “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
idiots.

Or perhaps it was just some crazy guy that wanted to make some badass wasps. Whatever the reason, you Teenage Mutant Ninja Wasps will not succeed for I will fight you with my dying breath and a giant can of Raid. That shit sprays 10 feet of wasp killing poison that is sure to ruin your day and the days of your unholy coven. This is not a threat but a promise, a promise I will relish carrying out.

I will admit that your scouts, the pygmy wasps, were a clever diversion. The two stings they dispatched hurt like a mother, I’ll give you that. BUT I will have you know that I have only scratched at one of them ’til it bled not both, and I killed one of the bastards immediately after he stung me, that my friends, is what sportsfans call a tie. So I say we let the sportsfans decide!

I challenge you! That’s right! I challenge you sumbitch wasps to a deadly duel in the walkabout! I’m talkin’ Thunderdome! So bring your skanky beeotch asses and we’ll let those dirty post-apocolyptic road warriors decide our fate! Two men enter. One man leaves.
But in our case it’s: A girl and a bunch of pissant wasps that no one loves enter. The girl leaves.
You remember what happened to Goliath doncha?!

O you foul bastard wasps of Southside, how you have tortured me with your fly-by’s and your squadron of low-flying sons-of-bitches pygmy wasps. Do you dare accept the challenge or are you gonna go back and fly awkwardly around the spot where your nest used to be until I gleefully knocked it down and stomped on it killing 4 of your brother beasts?

Bring it!

Sincerely,

Jaimie “wasp killa” Pickle

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