The One About Old Comic Strips

Category: weekleez

The One About Old Comic Strips
June 10, 2003

hi kids!

so the other day my father and i went to eat breakfast at this greasy spoon called country junk-shun. i think that’s how ya spell it. anyway, the place used to be an old junk store and my father and i would go there and look at all the cool old junk and i think maybe i bought a few ashtrays there one time but really that was a long time ago and i guess i should just get on with the weekly.

so now the place is a restaurant. but it’s still got some junk on the walls. and it’s fun to look at because some of the stuff is like, “hey! we had one of those!” and “look! remember that cup? we had one like that!” and so on and so forth.

and they had two glasses that had Daisy May and Lil’ Abner on them and dad was all, “Lil’ Abner, that’s pretty old.” and i said that that cartoon always made me think of the Beverly Hillbillies only worse. and he said, “yeah, you know really, that comic wasn’t funny. at all.” and i said that yeah, most comics aren’t i mean, have you ever laughed at a Beetle Bailey?

and dad said that he had laughed at the Beetle Bailey cartoon that was in yesterday’s paper and he proceeded to tell me about it. “in the first part it shows the army guys and they’re gonna play poker but they can’t find the poker chips, right? and in the next block someone says that it’s ok if they can’t find them they’ll just make do with what they can find. and in the last bit it shows the cook really mad and the guys are playing cards and betting with carrots and potatoes and such.” and then my dad busts out in this fake laugh. and then we both agreed that Beetle Bailey is a waste of comic strip area. they should put Calvin and Hobbes reruns in BB’s spot. dig?

so then dad says, “i always hated the Nancy comic.” and he said Nancy like the word itself tasted bad, y’know? and he went on about Nancy and Sluggo. and i couldn’t remember any Sluggo. but i think i remember Nancy, but maybe i’m really thinking about that other one…whatsit…Lulu? doesn’t matter, none of them are funny.


oh. that’s Sluggo.
i thought he was Mickey Rooney.


nice dress Lulu. slut.

and we both agreed that the worst cartoon ever was Henry, the bald, mute, possibly deaf little boy whose big adventures included fishing (and catching only a tin can or a car tire), not talking, and walking down the sidewalk whistling that one note.
here’s an example of a mindnumbing epitomb of Henry:

ok. in block #1 we see Henry um, planing a piece of wood. they didn’t have video games back then. also, is it ok for deaf, mute, and mildly retarded children to play with carpentry tools?

alright block #2, it appears that Henry has found the planing “zone” and is feverishly whittling the wood. if you know what i mean. it’s a metaphor. get it? hey look, this is as good as it got back then, that’s why they call it the Depression.

block #3: Henry is inspecting his handiwork (he made a toothpick. an egg-sucking toothpick) with a magnifying glass. get it?! he made a tiny toothpick out of a huge log! hahabloodyha.
also metaphor. also Henry, you make me weary.

block #4: i hate you Henry, with the white-hot fury of a thousand burning suns, oh yes Henry, i hate you.

the only thing more puzzling than Henry’s one note whistle is the fact that they still make Archie comics. i know they still make them because i see them by the TV Guide at the grocery store. who the hell is buying Archie comics?! geezum pete shouldn’t those kids be having grandkids by now?

don’t even get me started on Snuffy Smith.

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