Another One About the Library

Category: weekleez

Another One About the Library
June 03, 2003

hi kids,

so i was at the library the other day, only the eighth (8th) time i’ve been there in the last five (5) weeks. i think the librarians are starting to think i’m stalking them. it turns out that one of the librarians has started going to the same church i go to so now i have a librarian friend.

i’ve always thought it would be pretty cool to be a librarian ‘cos you would know where all the books are and probably know where all the secret books are because i’m certain that there are secret hidden books that the general patrons are not allowed to read. i want to read those books. so bad.

but anyway this librarian is a nice old lady and i wanted to ask her how she got a job at the library and see what kinds of classes you have to take to be an ol’ dry, crusty librarian. i’m not saying that this lady is dry and crusty or anything, ‘cos she’s not, but most of the other ones are.

i never get a chance to ask her though, ‘cos she’s always talking to me about church and things and she talks kinda loud. and it’s embarassing ‘cos we’re in a library and you’re supposed to whisper in a library, god lady, keep it down! use your library voice. sheesh.

but then i ran into her husband at the grocery store one day and we were talking and i said that i had just seen his wife at the library just a few hours ago and he said, “yeah, you know, she went there everyday and they just asked her if she wanted to work there since she was always there anyway.”

shit. is that all it takes?
i should be manager by now!

i think that the library should hire me to work there ‘cos i’m really much more friendly than most of the other people there. especially during the summer. the summer help is really lame.

now don’t tell the library this, but if i ever do get to work there, the first thing i’ll do is ask where the secret books are and then i’ll check them out and let you guys know all about the secret books. plus i’ll tell you where the secret books are located so that you could go get them too and the other librarians would think that you must be someone really important since you knew about the secret books.
don’t say i never hypothetically did anything for ya. *wink*

but then i got to thinking. i’ll bet that working at the ‘brary would get boring after a while. i mean, let’s say i’ve finished reading all the secret books and exploring all the secret tunnels. then what? i suppose i’d get to help stupid kids find information for their stupid research papers. i mean, that might make me feel good for a while, knowing that i helped a stupid kid out on his/her very stupid research topic.

i once had to write a paper on frogmen.
let me tell ya somethin’, the Gadsden Public Library is very limited on it’s information about frogmen.

so yeah, helping kids, yeah, um really rewarding.

but see, i can already tell where this is going to end up. because of my reading all the secret books and knowing all the secret passages and dungeons and hidden relics (i’m pretty sure, though it cannot be proven, that st. john came over here sometime during his, um, travels and cut off his pinky toe to leave here specifically to be used as a healing device and good luck charm before heading off to france) and also all the booby traps (boob!) that i’ll have a sense of power about the place.

i’ll get all superior-like and will probably take to wearing tight leather suits and boots that stretch up to my knees. shiny boots. and my hair would be all spikey with like, rubber stamps and book marks in it at the ready.

i’ll start referring to it as MY library, and they will be MY books. and the poor shemps who come in to read MY books will be MY patrons. and when one of MY patrons comes to me and MY throne of books (for i will have built a massive chair out of reference books since nobody gets to check those out anyway for the library is a greedy beast) to ask in a meek voice whether or not they, although not deserving of it, can check out one of MY many books. i’ll look at their pitiful selection and upon seeing that the peasant has chosen a mindnumbing pulp by danielle steele (whose real name is probably david steelowschki or something) i’ll snatch the offending book from the peasant’s grasp with my trusty ‘brary whip made from leather that i tore off the really old books, MY really old books and i’ll kick them in the stomach knocking them into one of the sinister non-fiction stacks (that i’ll have decorated with giant spiders and an assortment of unlucky patrons’ bones) and yell in my booming whisper, “you make me sick! a pulp?! i think not! go fetch Boccaccio’s Decameron and if you’re lucky i won’t take an eye!”

“y-y-y-yes, b-b-‘brarianatrix jaimie, ma’am.”
“ma’am? ma’am?! do i look like a crusty ol’ biddy to you, dirt?” i’ll ask while holding the pointy end of my dagger/envelope opener to the peasant’s soft throat.
“n-n-no mistress.”
“goooood. now go get that tome and don’t for get to lick my boots on your way out, worm.”

see, part of me craves that power, but the other part of me, the smarter and much more cowardly part of me knows that to get to that level of library goddess i’ll have to fight and kill all the other librarians in a greco-roman style game of wrestling. and although the thought of me proving my mad hand-to-hand gladiatrix skillz to the world really appeals to my dark side, my nice, jedi side tells me not to be seduced by the dark side.

for the time being the library and it’s patrons are safe. just know that right now, all the yodabrarians out there are feeling a disturbance in the force. and it’s me.
now go click some links, you vomitous wretch!

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