The One About Complaining + Sita’s Weekly

Category: weekleez

The One About Complaining
May 06, 2003

hi kids,

i had the terrible misfortune of accidentally watching the news yesterday. the local news is absolute swill and all it’s blathering on about is one of the university’s coach being fired and bladdy bladdy bladdy. it’s so lame it hurts. but then the other news segment follows and i hear, “bladdy bladdy bladdy had to cut off his own arm with a pocket knife bladdy bladdy bladdy…”

*gasp* the horror…the horror.

so there we are, my family and i, just kind of sitting there with horrible expressions on our faces and all of us thinking the same thing, i think i’m gonna hurl, and none of us say anything for a moment. it was a moment of silence for the lost arm. so we’re all trying ot think of something to say because we really don’t want to be thinking about some poor shemp having to CUT OFF his own ARM with a POCKET KNIFE but the thing is, all we can think about is some poor shemp CUTTING OFF his own ARM with a bleeding POCKET KNIFE.

so i mention that it’s gonna be hard for all of his friends to ever complain about anything in front of him ever again.

and because we didn’t catch the poor shemp’s name on the news (and because i cannot find it on cnn or google) we refered to the one-armed man as Bill. even though i think it’s Mike, i just can’t find any proof of that.

Tom: dang! i lost my keys today at the laundromat and i can’t…
Bill: yeah, um, i had to cut off my own arm with a pocket knife, tom.
Tom: oh bill! heh. um, sorry.

Joe: geezy peezy i sure did stub my toe this morning and can you believe it still hurts? sheez i tell you there’s nothin worse than…
Bill: uh joe? yeah i just had to cut off my own arm with a pocket knife…there is something worse than stubbing your toe.

Judy: oh for heaven’s sake i’ve been riding around all day. first the kids had to be picked up from school and little timmy had soccer practice meanwhile i had to hoof it to little julie’s softball game and oh golly now i have to go home and make dinner for the whole family. i tell ya, i never get a break.
Bill: hi judy, little julie sure played well today, but you know what? i couldn’t clap when julie hit that double, because i had to cut off my own arm...with a pocket knife.

Tom: today was awful. i had a fender-bender on main street and then when i got home i found my dog dead in the road i tell ya…
Judy: better hush tom, here comes bill.
Tom: ah jeez. if i have to hear about him cutting off his own arm again i swear i’m gonna…
Judy: don’t forget about the pocket knife…

yep, i’m gonna burn for these ya know.

so the other day i drive ALL THE WAY to the university library to check out two very specific books that i cannot get at the public library. i find the two books and proceed to check them out. but wait, it’s never that easy is it?

the old lady librarian says, “i’m sorry you can’t check these books out.”
what? i can’t?
“you aren’t registered for classes.”
but…what’s that got to do with…
“you must be registered to use the library. sorry.”
registered? but i’m a graduate for christ…
“sorry.”
there’s no way i can check these books out today?
“um, are you taking classes in the fall?”
yes! yes i am!
“are you registered?”
*gasp* no. no i’m not.
“sorry.”

so i leave very confused and upset. i’m a graduate for crying out loud! aren’t graduates entitled to all the bloody “priviledges” that students get? shit. how much money did those assjacks get outta me? and i can’t check out two books that haven’t been checked out since 1976? damnation that just makes me so mad.

but not to worry for i am an evil-genuis, i drove straight to the public library (which only took 45 minutes, feh.) and asked the nice lady behind the desk if they can inter-library loan books from JSU and she said that they usually try to get them from the nearest library but that would probably be JSU anyway, but she’s not the actual one who does that…i’ve got to go see the lady on the second floor, she’s in charge of inter-library loan. oh ok. so i always forget about the “second floor” because i haven’t been up there since 10 grade.

after walking about for 47 seconds i find the “hidden in plain sight” stair-case. i walk by that thing every time i’m in there. but i never see it. i think it’s some kind of state-of-the-art camo/sheild system. you can only see it if the floor librarian wants you to see it.

so i go up to the mezzanine and there’s no one there as apparently the lady went to lunch. so much for my diabolical scheme. and i’ve been too busy to go back.

*sneers* you win this round, library.

and hey! sita sent me a weekly that she wrote! so here it is!

The One About Sita’s Luck

Things are never exactly normal in my life. But normal things are boring. Well, actually, I wouldn’t know. Nothing normal ever happens to me. Witness the following accounts:

Example One:

A friend of mine, Tia, needed some repair work done on her car and in return she received a nice Dodge Ram pickup to use until then. This gave me an idea. Four wheel drive = major fun with a truck we don’t have to worry about repairing. So we head out to some outskirt and somehow end up back into the suburbs. Gracious houses lined lighted streets. As we came to a four way stop, we noticed this horse trot by.

Huh? A horse in the middle of all these houses? Ah, crap. It’s heading for the freeway.

Without thinking, I hop from the truck and bolt after this horse. Okay, so I didn’t really think about the fact that the truck could move faster than I could run. But Tia said that I would have made my PE teacher proud. I sprinted about a mile before I reached it.

So I get to this horse and wrap my arms around its neck, hoping to slow it down. This is when I notice that the horse isn’t broken in yet. Double-crap. I tried to swing up onto its back to no avail so Tia swings the truck in front of the horse only to have to reverse because the horse starts to go over the truck!

By then the police arrived. They located the horse’s owners and were going to steer the horse back that way.

I called my boss to let her know that I hurt my arm and how but she told me that was no excuse. It wasn’t my horse.

Example Two:

Tia and her husband, Rick, decided to hang out with me one Saturday night and try out our new cue sticks for pool. But, being a Saturday night, most everything was packed. I suggested this old ma and pa joint that I’d seen on the bus one time.

First off, let me state that I swear this wasn’t my fault. I think.

When we arrive there, the place has two open pool tables and the other patrons stare at us as if to ask “why are you invading our territory?” But we simply ignore then and play with our sticks and their balls. (Quota)

Tia and I were tied at two games a piece with Tia lining up her shot when all of the sudden we hear what sounds like an explosion and the building shakes before the power goes out.

Rick and I both had emergency training. He headed out the back and I headed out the front trying to see if we could find out what happened. Turned out that the massive gusts of wind had knocked down a tree onto the back of the bar.

Through the pouring rain, Rick and I realize that the tree had fallen lengthwise onto a car with someone still inside.

It turns out that the guy had been kicking back sleeping off a drinking binge. The only thing he was worried about was where his cat was. He didn’t have a scratch on him. Rick kept him calm while I make sure the police/fire departments are on their way.

Only after everything settles did we realize that the car had power lines on it and that Rick and I were both standing in puddles.

As we pull out to go home, Rick turns to Tia and states: “We are never letting her pick where we go again.”

What can I say? I’m special.

thanks be to sita for sharing! and for making the weekly look like it was really long! fake out! fake out!

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