The One About Grace

Category: weekleez

The One About Grace
April 22, 2003

hi kids,

i was told that i have no excuse for not writing a weekly this week seeing as how i have no job and my only final was last week. but gosh it was tough to come up with and write out a weekly between running errands, jumping off old ladies’ car batteries, posting at the message board, and playing 14 hours worth of video games. in fact, i’m not sure how i ever managed to get anything done when i had a job. there’s just not enough hours in the day!

right, so first there are some thank you’s to be doled out. thanks be to lorna, laura and carla for giving me lotsnlots of sugar for easter. it’s good to be back on de sugars. lorna, the chocolate covered strawberries were divine! also, i owe carla a spy name ‘cos she also gave me a minnie mouse toy and she’s been after a spy name for years now. carla, your spy name is Flippy Chinchilla and you are a mistress of disguise!

so the other day i was talking to my friend grace. she’s nine years old and i get the sneaky suspicion that she wants to be like me. i think i figured that out when her mom said to me, “she wants to be like you, you know.” can you imagine being the parent of the kid who looks up to the chick with the blue spikey hair? what must she be thinking? “four more years and jerry springer here we come!”
ha ha, i kid. i’m a great role model.
ha ha, i kid.

i think one reason that kids kinda like me is because i’m so short and it makes them feel older to be just as tall or taller than an oldster like me. also, i think they like the hair.

so i was talking to grace and it’s apparent that this kid is cool already because she has short hair. short hair is the best. when i was a kid i didn’t even know short hair was an option. i had long hair in a pony tail for 20 years. in fact, i think i was afraid to cut my hair. something about losing all my strength. but see grace is way ahead, she’s nine years old and already knows that short hair is the best. and now she tells me that when she gets older she’s gonna have blue hair too.

ya gotta love that.

grace plays soccer. and from what i hear she’s really good at it. i’ve never seen her play because what can i say? i’m a horrible role model. plus the games are at the ass crack of dawn on saturday mornings. but really that’s no excuse. i should go to one of her games. if she plays this week then i promise i’ll go to her game. cross my heart and hope to die.

so i asked her the other day how soccer was going and she said that her team was undefeated. i said, “really? that’s great. you think you’ll win on saturday?” and she looked at me like i had just turned into fat, old elvis and she said that yeah, they were going to smash the other team. she said it so matter-of-factly. as if losing were not an option.
huh, what on earth does that feel like?

they hadn’t yet invented soccer in the usa when i was a wee fleegan so i played on a girl’s softball team. and we were horrible. we lost every game but one, and i think the one game we did win had something to do with the other team forfeiting because all of their arms had fallen off or something. our team was terrible. we were like the Bad News Bears of rainbow city. except tatum o’neil wasn’t on our team and we never went to japan. and our uniforms had blue shirts. and also walter mathau was not our coach.

in fact, our coach was a complete assjack. he worked at the prison and he would come to practice everyday still wearing his guard uniform. and what i mean by that is he wore his gun and holster on his belt everyday at practice. let me say that again but slightly different. he’s wearing his glock while yelling at nine year old girls to run faster.
*sigh* you just can’t make up stuff that good.

my dad to this day still has a problem with the guy packin’ heat at a little girl’s softball practice. every practice. what is the point of intimidating little girls anyway? i mean the fact that he had the whistle was enough for us.

can you imagine?
“hey you! right fielder! *sound of gun being cocked* quit playing in the chalk line…now! show me some hustle! and the rest of you…*erratic gun waving* i wanna hear some chatter!”

luckily, i don’t think that grace’s soccer coach wears a six-shooter or anything. so i saw her a couple of days later and asked her how her game went and she said, “we beat them 9-0.” and again in her matter-of-fact way, “we smashed them. i told you.”
wow, not only does she have short hair but she’s on a winning team. this kid is a genius! and she looks up to me!

i can’t remember if i had someone that i looked up to.
but i do know that at grace’s age i wanted to be diana ross. so now grace wants to be me…and so in Weekly Logic…that makes me…
diana ross!
*spreads arms out, head back* “thank you…i love you!”

god, i must’ve been a weird kid. diana ross?

now see, i remember seeing this diana ross special concert thing on showtime back in the day when showtime was the only movie channel that existed. and at the beginning of this special it had ms. ross in like the african serengeti and she was dressed in furs and feathers and she was all kinds of gettin’ her jungle on. and these very physically fit jungle men were surrounding her and she turned them into lions or something. so see, that’s the dianna ross i wanted to be. nubian-jungle-queen diana ross not sequened-gown-backed-up-by-mary-and-flo diana ross.
also, she knew michael jackson, and back then that pulled a lot of weight with me.

so as we can see, grace has a huge head start on me with the whole cool thing.

linkslinkslinks!

meredith sent this fun one http://www.poetry.com/Poetry_IN_Motion/MagCon.asp and you can win money!

and laura’s wacky link that she found whilst making the weekly graphique (LWLTSFWMTWG): a site with homemade music videos using clips of That 70s Show!

charity “groovy gal” rakestraw sent me to homestar runner and if you don’t spend at least 30 minutes here then obviously you have other things to do. i like the Strong Bad character best. he reminds me of west finlayson for some reason.

and prof.zim.FA sent these funny as always links:
yatta! it took me 40 minutes to download but was worth it.
more about the pirate movie! yay pirates!
fun with the 10 plagues! what? here’s a quote from the page:
1. Nile waters turning to blood –put red food coloring in the water glasses at the dinner table, in the bathroom sinks, in the dog’s water bowl, and anywhere else you can think of.

also, lego church.

and lisa sent this site about handicap pets. i’ll admit i’m a little weirded out by pictures of dogs with wheels for back legs. but i’m not so callous as to make fun of them. however, some one else was. but not to worry as apparently the handicappedpets.com didn’t mind so much for they linked to spoofy site. which i found odd.

there you go.

next week’s epitomb: jaimie’s unemployment adventures

jaimie “jumper cables” pickle

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