Cookie Magoo’s Weekly

Category: weekleez

Cookie Magoo’s Weekly
April 1, 2003

hi kids,

a shout out to all the b’day peeps in da hizzle!
my mad april fools are jimmy, buddy and the famoose ms. megan! happy bizzle homies!
ok no more ‘izzles’, i promise.

so anyway i didn’t write a weekly this week either ‘cos i’m certain you are all tired of me bitching about not getting any. and i certainly don’t want to talk about it either. sugar people, not getting any sugar. i swear your collective minds are in the gutter sometimes. sheesh.
also, derp!

lucky for me and double lucky for you, my good friend cookie magoo wrote a weekly! so all i have to do is introduce it and add some links from WiscWendy and ProfZim at the end and my work for the week is complete and i can get on to bigger and better things like bitching about not getting any.
sex, people, this time i’m talking about sex.

so without furher ado:

Cookie Magoo’s Weekly Adventure FunTime™

I told Jaimie I would write a guest Weekly. I had something happen that was quirky and funny, but I didn’t think it would take up enough room for a Weekly. I sat down and said “I’m going to write this weekly! I’ m going to do it! Today!” But first I read the online classifieds to waste time. I found some ads that I thought were funny, and at first, I was just going to paste the ads at the end of my guest weekly to take up space. But like I said, I don’t have a job, and when I get bored, well… the following is the sort of stuff that happens.

I changed phone numbers to protect the innocent. And if one of these people is a relative or friend of yours, I’m sorry. This isn’t crank yankers so I wasn’t awful, I just you know….needed something to make fun of. It’s JAIMIE’S FAULT.

THE AD: it was already spelled this way.
chicken Litter, fertilizier for your gardren, I will load your pick up $20. Call 442-5555

THE CALL: To see if I could annoy him with my stupidity.
Some guy: Hello?
Cookie: Yes, I’m calling about the chicken litter.
Some guy: Hang on a sec.
Woman: TOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Man: <distant> What?
Woman: PHONE! <mumble mumble chicken mumble mumble>

Ok, how many people are involved in the process of me asking about chicken litter? This was my first call, and I was nervous. I started to hang up, but then Tommy answered.

Tommy: Hay-lo?
Cookie: Yeah, I’m calling about your chicken litter ad.
Tommy: Uh-huh
Cookie: Well, you say it would be good for a garden…. could I use it for a FLOWER garden?
Tommy: <sounds annoyed> Well, YEAH, I mean, you could use it for any kinda garden.
Cookie: Ok, well, here’s my problem. I don’t have a pick-up truck.
Tommy: You DON’T? <long pause> Well, could you get one?
Cookie: Could I get one?
Tommy: Yeah, could you borrow one?
Cookie: Could I borrow one?
Tommy: Yeah.
Cookie: Um, I don’t know. I mean, I have a car. Could we, you know…line the trunk?
Tommy: Oh NO NO….you’d ruin a car, yeah.
Cookie: Ohh….I see.
Tommy: Well, if you could borrow a truck.
Cookie: Well, let me see if I can borrow a truck.
Tommy: Ok, CALL ME BACK, now.
Cookie: Ok, I will.

Lies told: 2. I don’t have a flower garden, and my dad has a truck. However, I doubt he’d let me fill it with chicken crap.

Ok, these were two separate ads, and when I called the first time, it was busy, so I went on to the doll ad. That’s when I noticed it was the same phone number.
THE ADS:
Crochet Books 1 by Vanna White, & Redheart, $10 ea. or 2 $15 Call 492-5555

Odd Dolls, all kinds, $10 for all. Clock speaks hour, $5 Call 492-5555

THE CALL: To find out if Vanna White crochets. Also, what exactly “odd dolls” were. Let’s face it, all dolls are odd, what made these stand out?
Nice Lady: Hello?
Cookie: Yes, I’m calling about the ads you have in the paper.
Nice Lady: I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up.
Cookie: I’M CALLING ABOUT YOUR AD. (I felt so guilty when I found out it was a grandma, but I was already in the moment)
Nice Lady: Yes?
Cookie: Well, I was wondering about that crochet book. That’s by Vanna White, right?
Nice Lady: Yes, ma’am, it’s a nice book. It’s big, and it’s a hardback.
Cookie: Ok, is this the same Vanna White that’s on Wheel of Fortune?
Nice Lady: Yes, ma’am, it sure is.
Cookie: Ok, well, does it have a picture of her on it?
Nice Lady: What?
Cookie: THE BOOK. DOES IT HAVE A PICTURE OF VANNA WHITE ON IT?
Nice Lady: Well, yes, it does. I mean, I guess. It looks like her.

Ok, if it hadn’t have been grandma, I would have argued this point, but I felt too guilty.

Cookie: Ok, see, my grandmother is a HUGE fan of Vanna White, that’s why I’m asking.
Nice Lady: Oh, ha ha…well, it’s her. And it’s JUST afghans that she does in this one. I’ve got some quilting patterns, too. But this book is only afghans.
Cookie: Ok, well, that’s what she crochets.
Nice Lady: What?
Cookie: THAT’S WHAT MY GRANDMA CROCHETS, AFGHANS. I’M GOING TO CALL HER TO SEE IF SHE’D WANT IT. ALSO…WHAT ABOUT THE ODD DOLLS?
Nice Lady: Oh, I’ve sold all of those dolls.
Cookie: Ok, well, thank you, ma’am
Nice Lady: Ok, hon, your welcome.

Lies told: 3. I don’t have a grandma. When I did, she didn’t crochet afghans, and she wasn’t a huge fan of Vanna White.

THE AD:
PROM DRESS – Mori Lee, size 12, burgundy w/wrap, never worn, $95. 492-5555
The CALL: To see why the dress was never worn
Ok, my first call wouldn’t go through because they had a privacy blocker. I had to let my name be shown on the caller ID. When I did call again, it rang several times. Also, I don’t know much about fabric, but I kept asking questions to see if she’d offer up the information about why no one wore the dress. That’s why I sound like an idiot.

Woman: Hello?
Cookie: Yes, I’m calling about the prom dress?
Woman: Ohhh….yesssss. Ok! <to someone else> She’s calling about the PROM DRESS. Ok, well, I here she is, she’s got a cold, so I hope you can hear her.
Cookie: Ok.
Sneezy: Hello?
Cookie: Yes ma’am, I’m calling about the prom dress for a friend of mine.
Sneezy: Uh-huh.
Cookie: Well, I was wondering, what does it look like? I mean it says it has a wrap, but does it have….. sequins?
Sneezy: Oh……the burgundy one?
Cookie: Yes
Sneezy: Oh, well, it’s got velvet at the top, and then it’s satin at the bottom.
Cookie: Ok. And it was NEVER worn?
Sneezy: No, it never was.
Cookie: Ok, well. Does the fabric have any sort of um…..shine to it, like that metallic shimmer-y…….um…..fabric?
Sneezy: Well, no. The bustline does have a design on it, at the velvet.
Cookie: Oh, ok! So it’s not just really plain then?
Sneezy: Oh no, it’s real pretty.
Cookie: Oh, well, good then. That’s good.
<pause>
Cookie: Um……can I ask why it was never worn?
Sneezy: Well, I bought it for my grand daughter, and stuff came up, and she just wasn’t well and couldn’t go.
Cookie: Oh, ok. Well, I’m looking for a friend of mine, she lives in Birmingham but we thought she might get a better price down here. I’ll talk to her about it.
Sneezy: Well, whoever buys it will sure get a good deal. I paid $285 for it, and she never got to wear it.
Cookie: WOW! That is a good deal. Thank you, and I hope you feel better.
Sneezy: Oh. Well, thank you. Bye-bye.

Lies told: 1. I don’t have a friend that needs a prom dress. I thought it was weird that they were so relieved that I was calling about a prom dress. And then she wasn’t even sure what prom dress I was talking about. I bet she has some underground prom dress cartel.

THE AD:
MANS POTTY CHAIR, $20. CALL 492-5555

THE CALL: To find out what exactly a man’s potty chair was.
Woman: Hello?
Cookie: Yes ma’am, I’m calling about the potty chair.
Woman: Yes.
Cookie: Ok, I’m calling for my husband’s grandmother. Your ad says it’s a man’s potty chair. What’s the difference between a man’s potty chair and a woman’s potty chair?
Woman: Well, a man’s chair is higher.
Cookie: Really? Hmmm. Is this one of those seats that sits on the toilet?
Woman: Oh no, it has wheels and sides, and it sits like a chair, and the potty is under it.
Cookie: Ok, does it sit over the toilet?
Woman: No, it’s got it’s own bowl potty.
Cookie: <sounding disappointed> Oh, ok. Thank you, then.
Woman: You’re welcome.

Lies told: None. Alex’s grandma might someday need a potty chair. It’s possible!

yeah cookie. whatever helps you sleep at night, sistah!
isn’t cookie creative? she called strangers to get a weekly. genius! and here i’ve been complaining about how hard it is to come up with a weekly and she just makes it happen!
that’s why we love her!

thanks be to cookie for writing the weekly this week!

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