The One About Sugar II

Category: weekleez

The One About Sugar II
March 11, 2003

hi kids,

first! tina sewell gave me a norah jones CD ‘cos we talked about that on the message board that only 6 of you frequent. she gets a spy name! tina, your spy name is…
Sugarlips Muldoon and you plan the tea parties!

well, let me tell ya, this sugar thing is like, only the most fun ever. i totally recommend that everyone go on a low-sugar diet. it’s more fun than a young republican convention. heh. really.

i thought that since lent is supposed to be a time of spiritual whatnot, that i should perhaps keep a journal of each day to record the things i learn throughout this spiritual time, this sugar-less time, this god-forsaken lenten journey from hell. and if you really believe i have a journal then i suggest that you start reading the other weeklies in chronological order and then ask yourself, “isn’t jaimie a lazy slob who could never be bothered to update a journal once a week much less once a day?” yes, yes i am.

that being said i’ve decided to share with you some of the private entries of my lenten journey journal. journey journal? derp!

Wednesday, March 5
8:00am
well, here i am at work. busy busy!
10:30am
time for a sugar-less snack! and i think i’ll look up some stuff on the internet about sugar substitutes like nutra-sweet, aspartame, and splenda. maybe i could do a weekly on artificial sweeteners. gosh, i’m always thinking!
2:00pm
i haven’t had a soda all day. aren’t you supposed to get headaches or something from not having caffiene or sugar or something? oh well, no headaches for jaimie! booyeah! how about some more water? mmm mmmmm!
6:00pm
hmmm no dessert after dinner tonight. oh well! it’s not really a big deal. i was pretty full from dinner. i didn’t need any pie or anything sweet like that anyway! this no sweets thing is like, no problem!

Thursday, March 6
9:00am
oy, woke up with a headache today. sheesh.
9:05am
still have a headache.
2:00pm
oy, that info on the fake sweeteners is really creepy. it seems like they’re all toxic. i mean, they all give lab rats cancer and splenda produces formaldehyde in the brain. heh, sugar doesn’t seem so bad anymore. is that irony? i’m not sure, damn headache.
5:00pm
not hungry. manheim steamroller playing in my head.

Friday, March 7
8:00am
headache isn’t so bad today.
10:08am
well 2 days and no sugar. this is a snap! heh, i wonder if i’ll get DTs and hallucinations like people coming off drugs and alcohol? nah, sugar isn’t like that i don’t think.
2:20pm
if kelly offers me another oatmeal cookie i’m gonna shove the rest of them so far up her oh heck here she comes look busy…
4:43pm
while driving home the guy in the red car three cars up from me was drinking a dr pepper. i could smell it.

Saturday, March 8
6:05am
what the heck am i doing up at six in the morning?
9:00am
i guess i’ll have my coffee black this morning. oh well, it’s not the end of the world.
2:40pm
i don’t feel so good. i think maybe i shouldn’t have had the coffee. my hhandss are shhakking…
7:00pm
ii think i’m ssick.. ffeel ccold. ffeevery. ssso sickk. mommy…

Sunday, March 9
8:23am
oh had a terrible dream about sugar plum fairies. i think they were dancing or something. terrible nightmare.
12:45pm
sugar plum fairies weren’t a dream. they’ve been following me all morning. saw three of them at church. sneaky bastards.
3:18pm
sugar plum fairies are everywhere! they dance. they fly. they crap all over… filthy creatures. i caught one in the kitchen. the damn thing bit me so i threw it in the freezer. it stopped singing about an hour ago, but i know that it’s just trying to trick me! we hates them!
5:30pm
my hand is swollen from where that foul sugar beast bit me. who knew those things would bite so hard? i think it must have some kind of venom in it’s teeth…like a…a…barracuda or a playpus or something.
9:00pm
i should be sleeping right now ‘cos i have work in the morning. but there’s something under the bed. i can hear it breathing. i think it’s humming a song! it better not be one of those shoe-making elves.

Monday, March 10
8:00am
no time for breakfast today.
10:30am
time for a snack! sugar-free blueberry yogurt. i think instead of sugar they use rolaids to flavor it. also i keep hearing singing. it’s very faint but at times i almost swear i’m hearing something sing old stephen foster songs. i think it’s the canister of oreos. oh what am i saying? it’s the jar of mints, of course!
3:30pm
wish i had a sugar sandwich.

Tuesday, March 11
10:00am
there’s that singing again! i threw the mints under the counter. i guess the mints were the tenors, this time it sound more like a chorus of castrati. no wait, that’s the mints.
12:00pm
lunch time! what did i pack for lunch today? yogurt and pickles. god, what was i thinking?
12:15pm
i wonder what the weekly is going to be about this week? well, one thing’s for sure, if those damn mints don’t shut up i’m going to drown them in kelly’s diet coke.
12:16pm
take that, mints!
2:30pm
i called laura at work and told her that there was a cadbury egg at the grocery store that keeps on screaming my name. i can hear it from work and inside my car. she hung up on me. i hate her.
2:33pm
called laura again. i told her about the mints and that i think sugar plum fairies are poisonous and that camptown races is stuck in my head and that boy is kelly going to be surprised when she drinks her soda! laura said that i should get back to work but i told her that if she didn’t buy that cadbury egg, the one that keeps screaming, and smash it into the ground with the heel of her black boots that she doesn’t really love me. she hung up. well, when she finds singing mints in her mt dew maybe next time she’ll listen!
4:58pm
thought about cooking dinner this evening. but all we have is macaroni, lima beans and there’s a frozen clump of something in the freezer but i’m not sure what it is…i’ll have to ask laura about that later.
6:30pm
weekly weekly weekly!
9:30pm
it took me three hours to make up seven lousy journal entries?! i must be slipping.

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