The One About the Sopranos

Category: weekleez

The One About the F*&#!ng Soprahnos, you stupid F*#@!
February 18, 2003

‘allo cheeldreen!

when i was but a wee fleegan i wasn’t allowed to watch just anything on television. well, actually my parents weren’t that strict about the TV. in fact, i think that it was more like if what was on television wasn’t cartoons or sesame street i didn’t want to watch it. now movies were completely different. my brother and i were not allowed to watch certain movies when they first came out. the two movies i specifically remember not being able to watch were Ghostbusters and Dirty Dancing. i’m not sure if they were trying to keep our young minds from seeing scary and/or nasty sexy dancing, or if they were just trying to keep us from seeing pisspoor movies.

the only “good thing” about Dirty Dancing is that i now have the quote “nobody puts Baby in a corner” at my disposal. see how i could live with out that?

i mean it wasn’t til last year that i was watching Ghostbusters (not for the first time, but probably for the last time. what a stupid movie.) and laura said something about the gatekeeper/keymaster thing being a sexual metaphor and jimmy agreed and they chuckled and i said, “what? sexual?” and they were all, “yeah, you know, gate keeper key master? get it?” and my response was something like, *blink blink* “was gozer the gatekeeper or the keymaster?” sometimes i’m a lost cause. but hey, nobody puts Baby in a corner.

anyway, i think my parents did a good job of raising us pickle kids. i wasn’t allowed to watch just anything but i was allowed to watch monty python’s flying circus and really, what else is there? and now that my brother and i are old enough to purchase adult movies on the internet, we don’t, well, justin might, but i don’t, the point is we’re old enough to watch whatever we want and usually it turns out to be something completely harmless like a Jackie Chan movie or a Zucker Brothers movie or a Cohen Brothers movie or In the Mouth of Madness or a blacksploitation flick or anything with pirates in it. well, that’s what i watch anyway, justin has a film class at school so he has to watch a plethora of movies most of them classics and most of them i’ve seen via my childhood and TNT. i was and still am a sucker for an MGM musical.

now, i believe i’ve mentioned my “obsession” with beowulf before. i don’t know why beowulf is always in my head. hrothgar is always on the tip my tongue, as is meadhall. and i found out that i’m not the only one! wisconsin wendy admitted to being one or three thoughts away from beowulf as well.

lately, the lord of the flies has been rattling around my noggin. i didn’t really like that book at the time i was forced to read it in 7th grade but lately it’s all been coming back to me and i really wish it wasn’t in there because i don’t think any of my other friends have read it and so when i make a crack about say, a pig head staked in the jungle and/or a conch shell, they don’t laugh, in fact they get that concerned look on their faces. but it’s not like they can put Baby in a corner or anything.

another thing that was always incredibly interesting to me was the mafia and i used to watch all the movies and read all the books about it and the best movie in the world is Goodfellas and my father and i quote from it often. and by often i mean every third sentence out of our mouth is a quote from that movie much to the chagrin of my mother who just sighs.

so now HBO (which stands for Aych Bee Oh!) has this show called Sopranos and it’s all about this mafia family in New Jersey. So mom and dad rented a few epitombs and they were hooked. that’s all they talked about last year. i decided i didn’t want to watch the show ‘cos i didn’t need anything else to get hooked on. i quite enjoy my quiet nerdy reading time and i knew the Sopranos would probably take away from that. well, then i went and rented the whole first season of 24 and i’m sure you remember what happened there. so i knew that the Soprahnos would be no different so i still kept away from those boxes at the video store.

then dad had to go and borrow the whole first 2 seasons from a friend of his. so there they were…just sitting there…ready to be watched…so i grabbed them and watched the first season which, lucky for me only had 13 epitombs and not 24 like that show called 24. surprisingly, i did not like the Sopranos. there’s too much violence and boobs for my taste. i mean, really, i think every epitomb starts with a chick and her boobs. i found the show to be very interesting though, i mean, it’s not just about the mafia, it’s about a guy who runs a crime family and his own family and he goes to therapy and then there’s all these other wacky characters and they all interact and it’s really interesting. but still there’s a huge ick factor of this guy who has a mistress and yet goes home and sleeps with his wife every night and also lots of boobs. and that priest guy always kinda grossed me out too.

the thing is, my parents love this show. even my mom loves it. and mom hated Goodfellas. and i’m not even sure she’s ever watched the Godfather (I, II, or III). the mafia is just not her thing, but the Sopranos is. i don’t get that but i’m glad that there’s something out there that mom and dad can watch together and then get to talk about afterwards.

now i’m not one to judge on what people say or what they watch. i watch some pathetic things and i’ll admit i love swearing. i’ve often wanted to write a weekly on curse words. i love them. i use them. the more the merrier. of course i have standards too. there are certain words that i simply will not use. and i try not to use them in the weekly too often because some people think that using swear words to be funny is a crutch. f*&!ng morons, what do they know? heh. yeah, like putting Baby in the corner is an option.

but lately i’ve noticed that my mom and dad’s vocabulary has changed. and i think it’s because of the Sopranos. things like **** sucker and mother ****** have become commonplace. and if it’s not MF this and **** *** **** that, it’s **** you and *** **** mother ******. and on really extreme days it’s **** you **** *** son of a ***** mother **** **** sucker mother ****** *** hole. heh. this is too much fun. and on really good days it’s **** you you son of a ***** piece of **** mother ****** nancy boy mother ****** beeatch *** hole rat ******* whore piece of **** mother father pissant crap *** **** ****! **** ***** ***** **** ****. *** **** ***** **** ***!

it’s enough to make a sailor blush.
i just think it’s kinda funny that the tables have turned and now it’s me whose saying, “i don’t think you guys should be watching that filth. there’s too much sex, violence and swearing on that show. and why they feel the need to open every scene with boobies is beyond me.” to which my loving parents reply with in their newly developed joisey accents, “why you gotta bust our ***** about our ****** show? **** *** you ****** ****!” heh. to which i reply in my newly affected joisey accent, “whaaaat? i just aks you a question and you’s gets all defensive? whaaat?”

anyway. i hate TV.

on an unrelated note, hopefully to distract mom and dad from the above paragraphs, you know that song simply irresistible by robert palmer? so that song is about a gorgeous high maintenence chick, right? so why the sword ‘shings’ in the song? i mean, there’s nothing in that song to warrant shinging swords. there’s no mention of swords, sabers, simitars, swashbucklers, ninjas or pirates. what was he thinking?

robert palmer: listen mate, i think dis song is missin’ somefin.
producer: yeah rob? whatsit missin’?
rp: dinno mate, what you think about a gun shot?
p: i dinna think ya need gunfire in the song rob. how ’bout a sword shing y’know?
rp: a sword shing? like in robin hood or somefin?
p: nah rob, robin hood used a bow n’ arra.
rp: oh yeah well how’s ’bout the twack of an arra?
p: nah rob, the sword shing’s much more sexy.
rp: yeah i see your point, ah go for it…no one puts Baby in a cornah.
p: too right!

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