The One About 24

Category: weekleez

The One About 24
December 31, 2002

so i get this christmas card from danny “daktari!” wilborn and it has a serene picture of a barn with a tiny manger and the big star up in the sky and it’s such a delicate picture of a quiet first christmas and i open it up and it says, “oooos a wittle fweegan? the baby jesus is a wittle fweegan!” and well, i laughed a whole lot.

ah the last weekly of the year.

this holiday season was filled with joy, peace and excess. i don’t know why, but for some reason during the holidays i’m allowed to eat cheese and crackers at 2pm and also expect to eat a gigantic meal at 5pm consisting of two meats, five veggies, a roll and two slices of any flavor pie on the counter.

geez, i don’t eat that much all week long, what makes me think i can eat it in one day? excess. because it’s the holidays. there’s no guilt! oh sure i’m up half the night yarking up some kind of punkin/mashed potatoes glom, but that’s okay, it’s the holidays.

and for heaven’s sake don’t ask me to do anything. i’m on vacation. i have huge plans for reading several books, don’t bug me. i’m not “running errands” or “going to walmart” or “taking a shower”. all i want to do is read my books.

so last thursday i was doing some running around. i had to go to the store to get some normal food and beverages and then had to run to the bank to put some money in my checking account, also i got a hair cut and bought some black hair dye. on the way back to the apartment i stopped at the video store to see if there were any PS2 games left. after seeing that only one lame wrestling game was all that was left i began to peruse the movies to see if there was something i wanted to watch. there was nothing but since i had walked around that place 6 times i sure as shinola wasn’t leaving that place empty handed.

but james, i thought you weren’t running any errands and were going to read books?
shut up and read the weekly.

so i picked out some movie and at the last moment i picked up the 1st disc of the 1st season of that new Fox hit, 24.
holy crap, i was hooked.

for those of you who don’t know what that show is about let me ‘splain to you.

each episode of the show is one hour of this one day. there are 24 episodes. 24 hours. the show is called 24. get it?

so thursday night laura and i watched the 1st four episodes…only because there are four episodes to a disc and i had only rented the 1st disc because i figured i wouldn’t watch more than one episode anyway. boy was i wrong.

every episode is uber-intense and ends with the biggest cliffhanger imaginable.

so first thing friday morning i woke up and rented 2 more discs (8 episodes) and i’m fairly certain laura and i watched them all. meanwhile jimmy and kris marvelled at how we could sit in front of the TV that long. which we responded with, “we knew that wasn’t janet’s real father!”

let me just say that the first 12 hours were fabulous.

on saturday i rented two more discs and we watched those eight episodes over the weekend, just kind of scattered about.

on monday i rented the last disc and i finally have my life back.

let me just say the next 12 hours were weak. the last 6 hours were like punishment for being sloths. the last 2 hours we basically just forced ourselves to watch it because, y’know, we’d gotten so far. it would seem wrong to stop at that point.

the intensity of the show started to rub off on us. everytime i’d call someone on my cell i’d first ask, “is this a secure line?” and everything suddenly became urgent. “laura, i have to do my laundry!”
“how much time do you need?”
“i’m not sure gimmie at least 2 hours!”
“jaimie, that’s too much time! you’ve got an hour!”

“jaimie! there’s dirty dishes in the dishwasher!”
“ok. that’s no problem! we’ll put soap in it..”
“someone’s already put soap in it! i think there’s a spy in the kitchen!”
“laura that’s crazy! just press the start button!”
“i don’t have authorization to do that!”
“well, who’s got the keycard?”
“i don’t know! we don’t have time for this!”
“fine, we’ll uplink the code to the sat link to my pocket satelite readout picture thingy, that will show us the schematics of the washer and we can break the code without using the keycard!”
“ok but that will take time!”
“we don’t have time!”
“i’ll just press the start button!”

the show revolves around two families, the black family and the white family. both familes have their problems. the white family is trying to rebuild their relationships with each other. the black family seems picture perfect at first but as the show goes on they explode on each other (i blame the evil, coniving bitch wife). the white family is not together at all during the 24 hours because the wife and daughter get kidnapped and the dad is busy trying to save the black family as well as his own. the black family is always together because the dad is running for president and they stay in a hotel for the whole episode. their part is kinda boring because mainly the husband and wife get mad at each other the whole time.

typical scene between the senator and his wife:

senator: “sherry, how could you keep a huge secret like that from me?”
bitch wife: “david, i’m only thinking of your career!”
senator: “but what you did was a lie! it was wrong!”
bitch wife: “david, i’m only thinking of your career! people won’t elect an honest politician!”

later on in the show, we’ll say hour 14:

senator: “sherry! what have you done? how could you keep such a secret from me?”
bitch wife: “oh come on david! i’m trying to save your career here!”
senator: “but that’s breaking the law! it’s murder!”
bitch wife: “oh come on david! don’t you see i’m saving your career?! we’re making history!”
senator: “we?”
bitch wife: “that’s right david, we. we’re in this together! it’s for your career!”

in hour 24 the senator finally gets a clue:

senator: “sherry! how could you do this horrible thing? it’s murder!”
bitch wife: “david i’m saving your career!”
senator: “this is murder! who are you?”
bitch wife: “i’m gonna be the first lady!”
senator: “no you’re not! don’t ever come near me again!”
bitch wife: “but your career!”

and on and on.

on the other hand here’s a sample of jack’s cell phone dialogue with any of his CTU team:

jack: “yeah it’s me. i need you to *insert impossible thing here* and call me back when it’s done.”
CTU SHEMP: “but jack, i don’t have authorization for that.”
jack: “well get it!” *click*

also

jack: “it’s me. i need to arrange this impossible meeting in an impossible short period of time and i can’t tell you where i’m at or where the meeting is and i can’t tell you why i can’t tell you. now arrange that impossible meeting! i’m gonna need back up! i need it in 15 minutes!”
CTU SHEMP: “jack, that’s impossible! why can’t you tell me?!”
jack: “i need you to trust me! arrange back up at the place i won’t tell you and call me back when it’s ready!”
CTU SHEMP: “but jack!”
jack: *click*

and just as a bonus here’s a typical bad guy telephone conversation:

american bad guy: “don’t worry, everything is under control.”
*background noises like explosions and screams can be heard*
slavic bad guy: “vell dat ees funny. you sound like der ees no kontrol.”
abg: “everything is fine!”
sbg: “eet better be. for if not you in kontrol now den just wait ’til i get there and den we see just how kontrol is not in your hands and i’ll keel you slow and painful!”
abg: “whatever, i gotta go.”

so yeah, over five days i watched 24 hours worth of conversations like that. sickening isn’t it?
but i don’t have to feel guilty. it’s the holidays!

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