The One About Happy Holidays from Apt. 313

Category: weekleez

The One About Happy Holidays from Apt. 313
December 17, 2002

hi kidz U r0k wut ^ y0?

anyway ’tis the season and all that! and with the season comes the time for everyone’s favorite christmas card tradition: The 3rd Person POV Christmas Newsletter v3.0!
how about a little backstory?

now see, my cousin stace dawg does one of these every year and hers is always funny and interesting and best of all it’s not written in 3rd person. it’s written by stacy. we know it’s written by stacy, she uses the pronoun I. and did i mention it’s interesting and funny?

now there are other relatives out there who aren’t interesting or funny and they write their holiday newsletters in third person and with boring details like, “so-and-so got married”, “the baby was born with two heads and a tail” or even, “the religious zealots that burned down their house were finally convicted this year.” yadda-yadda-yadda.

three years ago laura and i both recieved very boring 3rd person POV newsletters from relatives that we hardly even know, and we passed them around to all our friends and laughed at them because we are a cruel and hateful people and also because the letters were in 3rd person and can i just say that again? i mean, it sounded like these people had hired scribes to follow them around all year to write about their family deeds as if this historical information would somehow be useful to future generations of warmongers. where am i going with this?

ah yes! the newsletter!
and so for the last three years or is it two? i can’t remember because the scribe i hired to record all of my important information turned out to be a religious zealot arsonist and has recently been convicted of… oh nevermind. anyway here’s this year’s installment of:

Happy Holidays from Apt. 313


what festive hair! (not gay)

Happy Holidays to you and yours!
May this letter find you in good health and even better spirits!

This year has been a great year for Laura and Jaimie, because they moved out of the hellish apartment 711! Ah, ol’ apt. 711, where the winters were always colder than Greenland and the summers were always an inferno hotter than the 4th circle of Hell. Good times. Anyway, this year found the girls in glorious “downtown apartment life.” Ah, apt. 313, where the central heat and air works every time.

This new and improved “downtown life” has been quite a shift for Jaimie. While Jaimie is neither a country nor a city mouse, she has found that she’s actually not a mouse at all but is instead a naive suburbanite at heart and really hates that her yard is a parking lot.(Being suburbanites at heart is probably why the girls still go out of their way to shop at the Food World in Rainbow City, rather than the Food Max a block away from the apartment.)

Laura, on the other hand, is quite the city mouse. This is probably because she’s 36 yards from her work, which is in walking distance of three really great restaurants (Mater’s! Courtyard Café! Tewana’s!). Of course, not that Laura actually walks to these on her lunch break, due to the incredibly stupid and inconvenient time card her job has seen fit to provide her which makes taking a lunch more like a punishment than anything else.

Laura is still working at the local newspaper as their chief map and chart maker as well as occasionally getting to make some really neat graphics…when they remember that she works there and that her job is to make really great graphics.
Jaimie is still working at the signshop and taking orders from morons. She regrets everyday that she did not become a history teacher or even a polisci major or pretty much anything but art. She wishes she was still in school.

Both girls walk to church.

Feeling that they should give back to the community that gives and has given so much to them both, they have both become big volunteers. Well, they haven’t formally joined any community groups or charities, and actually they don’t really volunteer their time to any special community events or organizations like the March of Dimes or YMCA or the PTA. However, they both occasionally shop at Goodwill and the Salvation Army and that makes them feel like they’re doing something good for someone . Y’know, when they’re not littering or stealing public property.

Laura and Jaimie are very proud this year to announce that they have a real Christmas Tree (well, a real plastic tree but it’s tall!) in the apartment and not a pathetic, tiny one like the last couple of years, Christmas Shrub anyone?


look at the glorious tree! (not gay)

also, their collection of hard liquor, liqueurs, and all around tom boozery has grown from wine coolers and the occasional amaretto sour to vodka, whiskey, vodka, would you believe cognac?, several wines mmmmmwine, schnapps,schnapps,schnapps and vodka. with mixers such as sour mix, lime juice, cranberry juice, tequilla (that’s a mixer, right?) and vodka. oh, and also, vodka. To say that these lively girls are alcoholics would be unfair, mean, and name-calling. also it would be accurate.
vodka.

This year Laura has taken to carrying around a sketch book wherever she goes. She’s really found her artistic groove. She’s made several collages, batiks, mosaics and other incredibly messy, kitchen table destroying activities. Jaimie has made two pieces of art this year. Her pieces have been made from aluminum and she makes them at work because there’s no room on the kitchen table due to all of laura’s fabric, wax, tile, glue, dye and vodka cluttering up the table.

Although Jaimie is terrible at practicing her art she has been very loyal to her books. She has read a total of 28,054.76 books this year and has paid the library approximately $14.78 in late fees. Jaimie regrets not being more punctual in returning her books figuring that she could have spent that money on helping poor people or on a medium bottle of vodka.

Laura and Jaimie are still:
in a band (right guys? there’s still a band, right?)
not married, yet
in therapy

The girls hope that this year has been as good to you as it has been to them!
happy vodka holidays!

Tags: ,

No Comments

Comments are closed.