The One About oooooos a fweegan?

Category: weekleez

The One About oooos a fweegan?
November 26, 2002

hi kids,

i have a new relative. that’s right! some wonderful people that i never get to see just had a beautiful (i guess, i’ve not seen it yet, but i mean, how could he not be gorgeous?) baby boy. the thing is these relatives live in a galaxy far far away and i know i’ll never get to see this kid. i know this because my other cousin has had like, 3 kids and i’ve yet to see them and i think one of them can drive a car by now so that tells you how often i travel to the mystical land of ohio.

so anyway this baby named henry was born the other day and i’m related to him somehow. i’m not sure how, i think we might be cousins. and i think it’s just sad that i can’t take the little guy out for a beer or anything because i live so far away and he’s too young to drink beer. and rereading that last sentence and oh yeah, i’m gonna be a great mom someday. so i thought how can i meet this kid? how can i let the little fleegan know that i’m thinking about him and want to be the first one to show him what karaoke is, and how to draw, and that monty python and the holy grail is the funniest thing in the world.

i mean, i want to be that “craZy aunt jaimie” that his parents won’t like for him to hang around with because he comes home saying things like, “dad, is the moon made of cheese? because craZy aunt jaimie said that it’s made of cheese and applesauce.”
and, “hey mom, is it true that if we outlaw guns only outlaws will have guns?” or even, “hey dad! craZy aunt jaimie said she’d take me to the carnival and let me eat all the corndogs and cotton candy that i want and then i can ride all the rolleycoasters and bump-’em-up cars until i barf! can i go? please? huh? can i?”

so how can i meet this kid short of driving all day to ohio, meeting him, and then driving back hoping i won’t be late for work in the morning? i’ll write him a letter! what a fabulous idea!
so erick and allison, you guys are responsible for reading this letter to your brand new son.

dear henry,

hi. i’m your cousin jaimie. i know i won’t get to see you very often, so i’m writing you a letter to tell you some of the important things that you need to know. first off, oooos a wittle fweegan? oooos? yooos a wittle fweegan! yooos a fweegan! yes yooos! ooooweeeeeooooweee! when you turn 18 the first thing you should do is register to vote. voting is important. you may not like the candidates or understand the gibberish that they spout, but people have died to give you and me the right to vote for whichever slob we think is less likely to get us all killed (in most cases. the 2000 election does not count). another thing you should always remember is that oooooo wook at your wittle earsy-wearsies! so tiny and cute! i’m gonna gobble up your ears! gobble gobble! wook at da earsies! wittle fweegan ears!

another thing you should know henry: always be prepared. and what i mean by this is jumper cables henry, jumper cables. always have ’em. oooos gonna have da bestest-westest jumper cables? ooooos um? yoooos um gonna have the bestest jumper cables ever! dats right! wittle fweegans got to have some jumper cables! ooooweeeewoo!

also henry, when you go to college, and you will, do not notnotnotnotnot get an art degree. just. don’t. unless you like peanut butter and jelly a lot. ooooos gonna be a smart-warty? oooos um? yooooos um gonna be da smartest fweegan in da whole world! yes yoooos um! wif your wittle fweegan toes! toesy-wosies! wook at ’em! wiggle dem toesies! i’m gonna gobble those toesies! gobble gobble!

henry, travel light, but make sure you always have a chapstick and a swiss army knife. sure the swiss don’t fight anymore, but at one time they were ruthless mercenaries. ooooooos a wittle mercenawy? ooosum? not dis wittle fweegan! no no! dis wittle fweegan is a wuver not a fighter. das wight!

and henry, when you get your first job (which will either be in retail or food service) remember that the customer is never right and know that your boss knows that the customer is never right, but that both you and your boss will try to placate the moron customer because the customer will start to talk loudly and will make no sense and eventually you both will figure out that the customer is slightly mental and you’ll wonder how that person managed to drive a car at all but you don’t want to anger the customer anymore than it already is so you’ll try to calm it down and give it a free burger and just for the love of all make sure it doesn’t pull out a gun and shoot up the place. it’s just one of those things henry. but don’t worry we all have to oh, hey…uh oh….hooosums got stinky britches? hooosums got the stinky? did the wittle fweegan poopy? uh oh! fweegan poopy!

and henry, the moon is made of cheese and applesauce.

love,
craZy aunt jaimie

on with the weekly.

so i’m in wal-mark, right? and i’m in the deodorant aisle with jimmy, right? and so there’s two chicks in the health/beauty section and they are talking quite loudly about dating. we can’t see them yet. we can only hear the one girl’s very loud voice. so this one girl (not so loud girl) is telling this other girl (very loud girl) that she should dump her current boy friend. so VLG says, “nuh-uh. we ain’t EVEN having this conversation! you say the SAME thing EVERY time and i KNOW i need to start dating older boys.” and she goes on and on about how she needs an older dude, a more mature boy bladdy bladdy bladdy.

now by the time she says all this they have started down the same aisle we’re on. and they stop right next to me. VLG is standing not 14 inches to my right. and she says, very loudly, “i need a big kid to sleep with.”

i couldn’t help it. my laughter would not contain itself. it burst forth from my mouth without any warning. she turned to me and said, “OH. you think that’s FUNNY? huh? i’ll show you funny BI*CH!” and she socked me right in my laughing gob! well, that woke me up y’know? so i was all, “i don’t THINK SO! there’s gonna be two hits, skank. one when i hit you and one when you hit the floor. tatdow!” and jimmy was on the sidelines screaming “cat fight! cat fight! catfight!”

ok the fight scene didn’t really happen. that was pure embellishment on my part. but what a story that would have been!

luckily she did not see fit to kick my laughing arse up and down the aisle. because she could have cleaned the floor with my hysterical laughing gob. she probably could have beat up jimmy too if she’d felt like it. instead she turned to her friend and said, “what kind of deoderant do you need? C’MON let’s GO!” and they very loudly went on their way. i wanted to follow them because who knows what other nuggets of wisdom would have spewed forth from VLG, but alas it was late and really, i’m not a very good stalker.

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