The One About J-Lo

Category: weekleez

The One About Jaimie Discusses Way Rad Current Events
November 19, 2002

hi kids,

y’know, sometimes i think that maybe the weekly should be more up on current events than on what stupid thing happened to jaimie last week. i mean, it’s always me me me! i could be writing about amazing scientific experiments (ants and NyQuil) or even history! i mean, i could be discussing world events and really important things like that! i hate that every week ends like, “…and i slipped on a banana peel that a customer had thrown on the floor (stupid shemp) and then the toaster jumped off the counter and set the shop on fire and while i was lying there trying to catch my breath a steam-roller came out of nowhere and flattened me! what a bad day that was! derp!”
that was my parody of the weekly.

so this week that’s just what i’ve done, i’ve written about important current events! it’s all about the news!

so the other day a group of us was watching a newsy television show all about important news and news issues and very current topics… J-Lo (she’s a singer and an actress! just like barbra striesand!) was being interviewed by Diane “i wish i could make ’em cry like barbara walters can” Sawyer and it was really stupid and we made fun of it, and then we felt dirty for watching such mindless drivel, and then we went and read the Encyclopedia Britannica. it’s like binge and purge. ‘cos oh man i gotta see the whitney interview in two weeks!
kill me.

so we were all taking bets on how long the Ben Somebody & J-Lo marriage will last.
let me just say that i’m really bad at movie star names. jimmy and laura will be watching a movie and one will say, “who is that guy? what’s he been in?” and the other one will say, “oh that’s so and so he was in such and such with that girl who was on that show called bladdy blah, but i can’t remember her name.” and the first one will say, “oh yeah! now i remember! and her name is flippyfoo and she was in flartyfleem with jibbyjam. i remember that because i recently watched glimmiplop and she was in it with happyjerd and i thought, ‘who is she?’ and then i remembered!”
meanwhile i’m in a fog like that guy from Memento.

right, so J-Lo/Ben Who? marriage poll:
jimmy said 3 months
k-ris gave it 6 months
laura said that it won’t happen
shelley gave it a year
i said it would last forever, it’s a match made in heaven, or boston, or da bronx or wherever.
and they turned and looked at me like i had just spoken in tongues. i said that obviously those two youngsters are in love and it will probably last forever. *insert chuckle here*

and i guess i’m the only person in the world who didn’t know that J-Lo was from da bronx (you have to say “da bronx” to say “the bronx” is like so 1888). i thought she was puerto-rican. it turns out she’s both puerto-rican and bronxonian. and she tells people that a lot. she’s proud to be a puerto-rican bronxonian. and hey, i think that’s just fabulous. anyway, back to the marriage thing.

laura says that Ben Aflac (aflac! aflac!) is fruity… i assume she means he’s like that zebra chewing gum with the stripes on it, it’s kinda pretty and cool until you chew it and it’s flavor only lasts for 38 seconds. she says that J-Lo is a cover-up. i had never thought of that before. probably because i’ve never really thought about Ben Whathisname before. i mean, he’s not one of those guys that sticks in my mind y’know? i like his hetero-life parnter, matt damon, much better. laura says that matt damon is not fruity. laura is the weekly movie star correspondent; she reads Rolling Stone so she knows her movie star shite.
i mean, someone’s gotta be the movie star expert around here…lord knows i haven’t a clue about J-Lo or that guy she’s marrying. i keep getting J-Lo and Salma Hayak and Catherine Zeta-Jones/Douglas confused. i think it’s the hair. or maybe it’s just that they play the same roles in all their movies.


see what i mean?

jimmy pointed out that J-Lo is still not divorced from some other marriage yet. y’know, i guess that would be kind of a turn-off. but seeing as how she’s just that Ben guy’s beard i don’t see why he’s have a problem with that.
oh so what if that’s her 5th or so marriage! they’re in love!
so then laura said, “honk if you’re married to J-Lo!”
and we all laughed.

so then i was at my parent’s house the other day burning illegal copies of Armeggedon and The Sum of All Fears when i overheard my mom and dad talking about the J-Lo/Ben Whoever marriage. my mom and dad were talking about J-Lo?!

so i said, “dad, you’re talking about J-Lo.”
and he’s all, “yeah. oh man! what’s Ben thinking?!”
and i was all, “who? i can’t believe my parents are…”
and he’s all, “ben afleck. that poor bastard.”
“dad. i can’t believe that you and mom are talking about that.”
“that poor ben. even if you told him…he wouldn’t believe you.”
“you’ve been watching the Anna Nicole Show again haven’t you?”
mom was all, “i think she’s making fun of us again, dear.”

so much for current events, huh?
so much for newsy newsish news, eh?
so much for infotainment, derp?

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