The One About Signs

Category: weekleez

The One About Signs
September 3, 2002

jaimie: (overly dramatic) jimmy! what am i going to do?!
jimmy: (nonchalanty mixing a drink) about what darling?
jaimie: about what?! about the weekly!
jimmy: the weekly? (stirring) you still do that thing?
jaimie: (to the point of tears) oh jimmy! it’s terrible! just terrible!
jimmy: (slightly aggitated) look i’m sure everything is fine. why all the dramatics?
jaimie: you would say that! you don’t even know what’s going on…
jimmy: (grabs jaimie’s shoulders and shakes her) then tell me! tell me what’s going on!
jaimie: l-l-last w-week’s-s w-w-w-weekly was a-about b-b-boobs!
*SMACK*
jimmy: what?!
jaimie: (crying) and that’s not all…there was a dirty joke too. ricky, waaaaaaah!
jimmy: dirty joke? no. not that cardboard box thing?
jaimie: yes. turns out it was dirty. one of the weeklies sent me a detailed explanation. i feel horrible for it.
jimmy: so it really was dirty?
jaimie: yes! that’s what i’m trying to tell you! last week’s was pure filth! filth!
jimmy: (calming down) ok. so boobs, dirty joke…anything else i need to know about last week’s weekly?
jaimie: um, white girl rap?
*SMACK*
jimmy: my god! what’s happened to the weekly? what has happened to you?!
jaimie: i don’t know! i don’t know!
jimmy: you owe your readers an apology!
jaimie: never!
jimmy: do it!
jaimie: i’ll not apologize for my musings! ever! if i didn’t truly believe in something i’d never write it for all to see! i’ll never apologize for the weekly! *knees jimmy in the groin* ever!
jimmy: weeeeooweeee why did you do that?
jaimie: you hit me twice you fink.

ri-i-i-i-ight. so anyway i recently saw the movie Signs, and by recently i mean, probably 4 weeks ago. it was a good movie so if you haven’t seen it yet you should try to see it, however, if you have any great expectaions of seeing any signs in the movie Signs you’ll be greatly disappointed. i know i was.

when i heard that there was a new movie out called Signs i was very excited. because i mean, there really should be a movie about signs. and then i heard that it had mel gibson in it, and i thought, awesome! i mean, the road warrior making signs! how cool is that? and i thought about how refreshing it would be to get to see a movie about me and what i do! i mean, sure i’m no road warrior, i’m just a weak girl, but i do know about signs. and how cool to finally have someone else respect a signmaker’s work by making a whole movie about signs! finally!

but alas, there were no signs in Signs. i mean, here i am, practically an expert on signs watching a flick that’s supposed to be about signs and wondering the whole time, “where’s the signs all up in this piece?” now i realize that being an expert on signs would probably put me at a disadvantage of enjoying the movie anyway in much the same way as a napoleon buff would not be able to fully enjoy a movie about napoleon because filmmakers always screw something historical up. and while the nap-fan is glad that someone has finally made a movie about napoleon, the buff will usually find something inaccurate about the film and will dwell on that one inaccuracy the whole time and not fully enjoy the film.
yeah, like it’s just me.

but i mean, to call a movie Signs and to not have any signs in the movie, well i can’t tell if that’s pure genius or just lazy. i mean, it sounds half-assed to me. it would be like having a weekly about the word boob and never actually talking about boobs because the writer was too scared to do any research! how lame! i mean, if the only sign in the movie is plastic formed letters that spell out PHARMACY i don’t think that’s any basis for calling the whole movie Signs. i mean, ok, if that’s the only sign in the movie at least tell me how the sign was made. who made it? who installed it? was the customer a moron? what size is it? it looked to be about 18 inch letters to me, but i can’t be sure. what were the pharmacy’s other signage options?

where are the signs all up in this piece?!

well, what the movie lacks in signs it makes up for in retarded aliens. i mean really. ok if i hafta believe in aliens to enjoy a movie that’s fine. but c’mon, if the aliens can travel across the universe to take over our planet, if the aliens are super fast runners and jumpers, if the aliens can shoot poison gas out of their wrists, if the aliens, having not ever lived in a house before, can actually locate an old coal chute that hasn’t been used in 80 years that the people who actually live in the house didn’t really know about that leads to the cellar where the people are hiding, but they can’t break through a wooden door?

A WOODEN DOOR?!
i’m sorry, i just can’t wrap my head around that one. can i believe that a man can have his faith in the lord restored? of course, no problem. can i believe in supernatural signs and wonders? of course, no problem. can i believe that because the little girl had placed many glasses of water around the house that that would save the day? eeeyeah, no problem, although they seemed to have a lot of glasses for a family of four. i mean, growing up it seemed that there were never enough glasses in our house, but other than that no problem. can i believe that the aliens can’t figure out how to bust through a wooden door?
heck, even the brainless, non-talking, moron zombies in Night of the Living Dead (the perfect movie, by the way) figured out how to break through wood! and they were just walking dead humans! i mean, these aliens have harnessed the power to travel lightyears but for some reason earth doors throw them for a loop? get out of here.

all’s i can say is, “where are the signs all up in this piece?”

i think that the movie title is horribly misleading and should be changed to Crop Circles… for real. or maybe Signs. But not like Street Signs or Storefront Signs, like Alien and God Signs. but i can see how that title might be too long. so maybe they should’ve gone with Rural Pennsylvania. or just Corn. i’m fairly certain that corn fields are the scariest places in the world, well that and rural houses covered in zombies, but certainly not wood-weak aliens what melts in water. not cool.

“other than that, mrs. lincoln, how did you like the play?”

i did think it was a great movie. so go see it and tell me how i missed the point of calling it Signs.

laura, the weekly graphic artist of doom, has not yet seen the movie Signs and while pre-reading the weekly asked me to explain more about the wooden door thing even at the risk of a spoiler. well, ok laura. it’s like this. there’s an alien caught in a pantry and it cannot seem to get out. even though you or i could easily take a can of soup and probably wack our way through the door in an hour. i mean hell, the dorr may have opened from the inside for all we know. also, there are some people who hole up in a cellar. it’s not an atomic cellar. it’s an ancient cellar. the aliens cannot seem to figure out that if they were to perhaps find ANY FREAKIN’ TOOL ON THE BLOODY FARM they could probably have the door busted down in no time. these highly intellegent, very atheletic aliens couldn’t find their way out of a wet paper sack and what’s more, they are just the type of aliens who would get themselves trapped in a wet paper sack. this movie would have been 100X better without aliens. keep the god stuff. ditch the aliens. perfect movie. just like Night of the Living Dead.

now then, to more important things…
three mega birthdays! (that i know of) sue “moose” robertson and justin “leetle brahther” pickle and danny “daktari!” wilborn all have birthdays this week! happy birthday you guys!
and a huge thanks goes to alex “p-sy-co-path” beck for helping me out at the sign shop last week. he saved my life.
my lungs and stomach ulcer thank you too.

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