The One About Being a Superhero

Category: weekleez


OMG! i knew i was wonder woman! i mean, er….
just call me diana. *wink*

The One About Being a Superhero
August 13, 2002

ki hids!

oh the horror. i just had the terrible misfortune of seeing about 20 minutes of the Anna Nicole show on E!. i want to stick my head in a blender and pour boiling lemon juice on it. i feel like i’ve just had my last year of college sucked out of my brain. and i don’t know how to get it back.
i’m fairly certain that not having cable is one of the best parts of my life right now. the horror.

so i guess you guys are expecting another underwhelmingly, nearly funny rant about something that has happened to me recently. well, i’ve led you all on for way too long now. all those exciting and painful things that have happen to me have actually really happened to me. all of that was true. but that’s just one side of the jaimie that you all know as jaimie “insert random sentence here” pickle. the other side of the jaimie is the jaimie that few of you know. the mysterious jaimie, the serious jaimie, the jaimie that they call…uh, well, they call that side of the jaimie jaimie too. it’s all jaimie.

but why two jaimies? what are the differences in the two jaimies? well, those are two very good questions and i think we’ll ask jaimie to answer, jaimie?

thank you jaimie! hi, my name is jaimie and i’m here to explain what the other jaimie is doing a horrible job of explaining. y’see, most of the time jaimie is a normal twentysomething leading a fabulous life and hanging out with her cadre of friends, fam, and security personnel. however, when jaimie isn’t the sweet, popular chick that everyone loves…she’s…a superhero.

a superhero!

i know, it’s hard to fathom that a small, weak, whiny girl like me could be a superhero. and you’re probably wondering if i find myself in dangerous situations all the time. and you’re probably wondering how i manage to keep my cool in these dangerous, fast-thinking situations especially when i can barely contain my rage at customers. and you’re probably wondering how many lives i save on a daily basis and what color my cape is.

well, the truth of the matter is i don’t often find myself in dangerous situations, unless of course you count that time i was stuck in a filthy, underground cave, but let’s not get into that one right now. and i usually don’t um, y’know, fight for uh, like justice and that kind of thing. i don’t usually stand up for the underdog or the uh, guy that’s being picked on. i’m usually more of a pacifist, er wimp. i don’t make this place any uh, safer or anything. and i don’t have a cape, well not one that i wear in public anyway. and really as far as superheroes go i guess that i’m kinda lame but still i’d rather be a lame superhero than let’s say one of the average schmos that i “rescue”.

once or twice a month i find myself swooping down upon a poor unfortunate in need in a dark parking lot (and sometimes not so dark) and jumping off their car battery. this happens to me a lot. because you see, i don’t have a utility belt filled with gadgets and bat-a-rangs, i don’t have a lasso of truth, i don’t even have a chakram. what i do have is jumper cables. and see, i thought everyone carried jumper cables with them, y’know, like how everyone is supposed to have a spare tire? i thought that most people have a set of jumper cables too. apparently i’m the only one. and that makes me the superhero. sometimes it’s a thankless job, and sometimes people really appreciate the help. but i never take any money for helping out these sad sacks, mainly because they never offer me any. but i’d like to think that even if they did offer me money that i’d politely turn it down and say, “no thank you, that’s not my style.” and then i’d wink and drive away leaving only a trail of mystery dust behind. ha ha like i could ever be that cool. it would be more like, “here’s 5 bucks for jumping me off.” and i’d be all gushy, “really!? you’re giving me money?! really? really?! OMG! i can’t believe it! for real? are you sure?!” and on and on until they said, “nevermind” and hopped back into their now running car and drive away leaving only a trail of nauseatingly putrid exhaust behind. *cough cough*

it is kinda cool sometimes because the people i jump off are usually very grateful. i liked it when i had pink hair because some of the people were kinda scared when i’d walk up to them but then i had the jumper cables and they were probably never so relieved to see someone with pink hair…and well, jumper cables.

and there was this one time that my dad and i were doing the yard sale thing as we used to do on saturdays, and as i was walking up this driveway i saw this lady and thought that she looked familiar and was probably a customer and i hope she hadn’t been a mean customer and she looked at me and said, “hi! i was just telling all my friends here about you!” and i was really confused because no one is ever that proud of their signs y’know? and she turns to her friends and says, “she’s the one who helped us out at the hospital last night!” and so dad gives me the “what gives?” look and i say that oh yeah i jumped off her car battery last night at the hospital and i guess i’d forgotten all about it. and he said, “you jumped them off? and you didn’t know them?” and i put my hand on dad’s shoulder and said, “it’s who i am…it’s… what i do.”

so anyway no kidding i jump people off all the time and i’m usually alone when it happens but the other day liz and jimmy were there too! and so there was this lady in the parking lot of the grocery store and she had the hood up and was banging on the battery terminals with a crescent wrench like she was staking down a tent y’know? and really, if it hasn’t worked by then, it’s not gonna work y’know? so i said, “jimmy, if i drive over there will you jump her off?” and he’s all, “what?” and i’m all,” well, i jump people off all the time, but the thing is… i don’t know how to actually use the jumper cables.” and he’s all, “what?”

oh man, and there was this other time that this guy comes in the shop right at 4pm which is when we close y’know? and he says, “well, i guess i got here just in time, eh?” and i really wanted to say, “if you’d have gotten here 10 minutes ago you’d have gotten here just in time.” but no, i was the nice and polite superhero and let him in the shop and it turned out he was some jerk running for office and he really was a jerk too. because he comes in at four o’ clock, all the lights are turned off and i’ve just shut down all the computers and machines and everything and he’s all, “i need some political signs. but i don’t know exactly what i want on them.” and oh my god. so i sit down with him for about 15 minutes and he hated all the ideas i came up with but here he is being a total slug and not coming up with any ideas of his own y’know? i mean, this complete waste of oxygen couldn’t even decide what colors he wanted. i mean, maybe you should sort of have all that decided before you get to the sign shop, y’know?

so anyway the guy is a real jerk and he keeps saying how great he is and he’s really ungrateful and just really pompous and he keeps belittling me and ugh, i had to be super polite and nice. so then he finally leaves and he says something like, “i guess you get to go home now.” or something really stupid like that. and so anyway i start to shut down everything all over again. and he comes back in and says, “can i use your phone, my car won’t start.” and y’see, it was like, the hottest day of the year and i thought ha ha you s.o.b. sit in your hot car and wait for someone to come get you you stupid piece of horse dung. serves you right you disrespectful assjack
yeah, well…i jumped him off too. you didn’t really think i’d let him roast didja? what kind of superhero would i be?! besides it was so cool to see him kiss my ass for having jumper cables.

and then there was this other time and it was wintertime and it was the coldest day of the year and there was this really old man, i’m talking ancient, out in a parking lot and he had the hood up and it was one of those old ford trucks and it was bright orange and in really good condition. and so i pull up and ask the old man if he needed a jump and i think i scared him half to death. unfortunately, he didn’t need a jump. the problem was something weird like it was stuck in gear or something and he was banging on this “thingy” by propping a 2×4 on said thingy and bashing it with half of a brick.

so asked the old man if maybe he could call someone because here’s my cell phone maybe we could get you a ride and get you warmed up. you know, before he dies. but he said that no thank you that he’s not from around here so no one could come help him out. ok so there’s no way i can let this old man stay out here by himself y’know? so i hang out with him for awhile and ask him about his truck because you can tell that it’s well used but in really good condition for a truck from the ’70s. and he tells me all about it and that he bought it new and all this stuff and it was cool to look at the engine because there was so much room in there! you could put your luggage in there! it was kinda funny.

so i’m hangin’ with the old man and he’s still bangin’ away at his shifter “thingy” and i notice that he has on one of those old-man-10-gallon baseball caps. you know the kind. it’s got the mesh in the back and some local tractor company ad on the front? and so you can see the top of his head because for some reason the old men wear those hats on the tip top of their noggins and i have no idea why but anyway. so yeah, i can see the top of his head right? and he’s got like, a paper towel folded on his head and on top of that he’s got a folded piece of…aluminum foil.
aluminum foil.
i… i mean, what i mean is…does he have a sandwich stashed up there? foil? on the head? old man?

then he misses the block altogether and slips his hand and botches this thing and he ends up cutting himself so now i figure he’s old, it’s wicked cold out, he’s bleeding…he’s gonna die. but then something happens and the thing slips back into place and the old man says, “hey! that did the trick!” and super! so i say that hey that’s great now let’s get that thing fired up and get the heat on and here’s a band-aid let me help you get that on your fingers. and he says that i must’ve been his good luck charm and that it sure was nice for a pretty girl like me to try to come and help him and thank you for the band-aid. (that’s right, not only do i have jumper cables, i have band-aids too. and a flash light.)
aw, what sweet ol’ dude.

so anyway, if you want to have fun and meet new people i suggest you keep a set of jumper cables in your car. also if you don’t want to meet new people i suggest you keep up your car battery. and also, if you bang your battery terminals like they’re some kind of huge oriental gong and the car still won’t start, i’ll bet it has nothing to do with crusty terminals, dig? getcha some cables. or wait for me…i’ll be there.

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