The One About Buying a Bible and Discovering the Internet

Category: weekleez

The One About Buying a Bible and Discovering the Internet
August 06, 2002

hi kids,

gads! august! i’d like to say i’m surprised that it’s august already but since august comes right after july i guess i was expecting it all along! take that, august! i’m so on to you. nyah!
i’m talking to a month. yeah. let’s get this weekly thing started so i can go lay down.

right. so the other day i went to buy a bible. because y’know, i needed a bible. i mean, i have a bible but i needed a smaller bible. because, everyone has that one huge bible but no one wants to tote that thing around, dig? so i decided i should have a smaller bible that i could keep in my bag in case of those occassional exorcisms and/or spontaneous healings.
that was supposed to be funny.

but the thing is (and here’s the thing) i’ve never bought a bible before, never thought about buying a bible before and also never cared enough to ask anyone about how to buy a bible before. so here was my thought:

“i need a small bible. i guess that the bible is considered a book. yes! it is a book! i shall go to a bookstore!”

so i mention to laura that i’m off to the bookstore and she asks what book i’m going to buy and i tell her all about how i need a small bible and she asks which bookstore i was going to and i told her that i was going to the bookstore in the mall because it was the only bookstore i could think of at the moment and she sort of looked confused.

“you’re going to the mall to buy a bible?”
“well, yeah. i guess. i mean, reckon they have bibles at the mall?”
“well, i don’t know but-”
“should i try wal-mart first? i suppose their prices would be better. do they even sell bibles there?”
“i’m not sure but-”
“or k-mart too i guess. maybe k-mart has like a “martha stewart translation” or something and it’s all in pastels and in a wonderful script with recipes interspersed throughout like, john the baptist’s tasty honey locust cakes, and things like that. that would be cool ok i’m off to k-mart i’ll see you later.”
“wait!”
“what?”
“since you’re buying a bible wouldn’t it make sense, now just listen for a minute, wouldn’t it make sense to go to a christian bookstore? i’m sure they have bibles and probably a better selection than say, the mall.”
“oh. yeah. i guess that um, i guess that would be a better idea. gosh, i’ve never been to one. you suppose it’s creepy?”
“probably. but i bet they have bibles.”
“yeah. ok. um. ok yeah. i guess i’m off to…the uh. the christain bookstore. i guess.”
“ok. i’ll see you later.”
“well, maybe the mall would have-”
“jaimie, it won’t kill you.”
“do you suppose they are overly friendly in those bookstores?”
“i don’t know.”
“i bet k-mart-”
“jaimie just go!”
“yeah alright.”

so i suck up all my courage and put it in a thimble and head out to the christian bookstore.
right so i walk in the bookstore and there’s tons of stuff in there. i mean, they sell all kinds of crap in that joint. i figured it would be stuff like books and um, bookmarks y’know? nay! they have crap upon crap in there. coffee mugs, candy, books, paintings, prints, neck ties, cartoons, music, wind chimes, pens, key chains, candles, and all sorts of other stuff that just sits there on shelves and rots. and so i look about the book shelves for a bible, right?
but i can’t find one!

oh my gosh i’m in a bible store and i can’t find a bible! i bet they keep them hidden so that when you come in here to buy a bible you have to look all around at the other books first! shennanigans! this place is so weird! they sell crockpots too! i’ll bet they have shot glasses with jesus on them! oh man, i’m lost. where’s the door all up in this piece? i gotta jet! get me outta here i’m going to screa-

“can i help you?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA!”
“excuse me?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa…ahem….i was looking for a bible. um do you have any?”
and so this lady looks at me like i’m some idiot or something because who has to ask for a bible in a bible store, right? i’m an idiot! i have bible blindness okay?! i can’t see the bibles for the bibles in front! a bible in the hand is worth two in the-

“they’re over there.” she says and points to a small cave in the corner.
“oh. *gulp* er, in the cave or um, beside the cave?”
“in the cave. here, take this torch. you’ll need it. oh and watch for the booby traps.” (boob! 4 weeks straight!)
“b-b-b-booby traps? in the c-c-cave?” waitaminute cave? oh! “oh no ma’am you misunderstand, i’m not looking for the king james version, i just need a regular bible.”
“oh, in that case it’s the shelf next to the cave, may i have my torch back?”

so i find the bibles and really i thought there would be more. i wanted a huge selection y’know? i wanted many translations and colors; i wanted choices! yeah. no. there’s big, small, black and maroon. i went with small and maroon. and it was one of those bibles where they try to sell you on “personalizing” the bible by having your name “gold leafed” at the bottom. i said no thank you and ran out with my new bible.

one thing i did see when i was in there was the bible for the deaf. wow, deaf people get there own bible how cool is that? so i had to open it up and see what it was all about y’know? and it turns out, now i was totally unaware of this, that deaf people have a hard time hearing what we say reading regular conversation. and so this bible was written in small, easy to chew sentences! i had never thought of that before! and now i can’t stop thinking about it! deaf people have a hard time reading all the things that we read all the time! geezum pete! it’s bad enough that they can’t hear, but now i learn that they can’t walk in the library and go check out the latest and enjoy it because the library carries only hearing books! this makes me very sad.

anyway, back to me.
i go back to work and i plan on making a sticker to put on the front of my bible so that i won’t get it confused with the other small, maroon books i keep around. so i cut out one of the ‘even so’ symbols (y’know, that hip rock band that all the kids are listening to?) in gold leaf vinyl (how cool is that?) and slapped it on the cover and now it looks like a mysterious book of spells or something. so i figure i might need to put the word bible on the cover somewhere too. or maybe holy bible. or maybe mega bible. or jaimie’s uber-small ultra bible deluxe. and then i thought that maybe i’d put the words in a foreign language because that would be more cool than just plain ol’ english. or maybe just a series of numbers.

so i went to the internet and went to flalta flista’s babel fish and started to type in stuff to put on my bible. and it was so much fun! because when you type in a big, long sentence and translate it, it looks cool! and when you translate it back, it looks really stupid! and it made me laugh! so i thought, “what else can i translate?” and i said to myself, “why not translate the first verse of that hit song ‘sucks to be you’ into german! ja?

english:
everyone you cared about,
well they all moved away.
seven days a week it just hasn’t been your day.

auf deutsch:
jeder, das Sie sich ungefähr interessierten,
gut sie alle weggerückten sieben Tage ein Woche es gerade nicht Ihr Tag gewesen ist.

back to english:
everyone, which you were interested approximately,
was not good it every away-moved seven days week it straight your day.

you can imagine my laughing.
but then i thought maybe i should do a more popular song or something. like maybe the pledge of allegiance!

I pledge allegiance to the marking sign of the states of America
and to the republic, for which it stands, to a nation under the God indivisibly with liberty and to the justice for all.

and then i did it to that ultra-mega hit of the ’70s: MacArthur Park.
but it came back making more sense than the original! not!

english: i just left a cake out in the rain. and i don’t think i can make it because it took so long to bake it.
and i’ll never have that recipe again. oh no!

funny: I left a straight cake out in the rain and I think not me can it form,
because it took so long, over it to bake and I have never this prescription again. Oh No.!

isn’t it funny how i started out looking for a bible and ended up with MacArthur Park? if only i could somehow tie it all up by coming back to the part about the bible….

well, it turns out that i couldn’t make up my mind on what words to put on the bible because after a while i wanted to put swear words on it just for shock value, but really, doing something just for shock value is so lame unless of course your name is damien hirst, but anyway i just left the bible alone other than the ‘even so’ symbol and if i had a jpeg of it i’d put it on here so you can see it but hey maybe it’s on the website. go try here: http://evenso.vineyardgadsden.com/
by the way laura, you haven’t updated that site since april. can’t we get some more lyrics all up in that piece or something?

what was i talking about? oh yeah the bible. so then i did this other weird thing because i mean, it’s not like i’m all into buying bibles y’know? or any holy books really. i went to this bible study. i’d never been before y’know? and my mom is like, the teacher or leader or instructor type person of this bible study right? so i figure eh, it can’t be so bad, mom’s cool sometimes y’know? so i go and i sit down and i pull out my new small bible, and i notice that everyone else has their huge bibles with the cheater notes at the bottom and the concordance in the back and there’s me with my tiny ol’ thing and out of nowhere mom’s voice booms, “what kind of book is that?”
“it’s my new bible. i put a sticker on it.”
“oh, well, it looks so, um…evil.”
heh, so i guess it’s shocking enough with just the sticker of the thingy that laura designed for a christain band and i thinks it’s funny that it’s so y’know, mysterious and unsettling. man, i gotta get these christians to lighten up all in this piece.

and in case you hadn’t noticed i keep using the phrase “all up in this piece” i don’t know why, but i find myself saying it a lot at work like, “where’s the work order for that doctor’s office all up in this piece?” or “yo! where’s the paper towels all up in this piece?” and so on.

hey did you guys notice the graphic at the top? ok so the one guy is jesus right? the one with the halo? but like isn’t the other guy like, neptune or something? remember clash of the titans? that’s one of my favorite movies. remember neptune was so boss ’cause he owned the cracken, and the cracken was badass. ew and remember how creepy medusa rattle was? makes me shiver all up in this piece!

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