The One About Kate and Leopold

Category: weekleez

The One About Kate & Leopold
July 23, 2002

hi kids,

right, so anyway this weekly isn’t the one i was originally going to send. you see, i had written one sort of about baseball (but not really, but yeah kind of) and i was going to send that one but i was not sure how many of you actually give an owl’s hoot about baseball plus with the impending strike coming up i didn’t want you guys to think that i pay attention to current events dealing with sports or that i’m trendy.

so i ran the baseball weekly through a “test”.
i had laura read it.

i figured that if laura, who hates sports and trend, read it and was entertained then it would be ok to send the weekly and maybe i wouldn’t get too much hate mail for the weekly being sad, unfunny, or about sports. laura said that she liked it even if she didn’t know what a pete rose was. great! tatdow! booya! i wrote the weekly three days in advance! i. am. trend!

but then i made a grave mistake. i also told her that i was sort of pondering the idea that every month that had a 5th tuesday would be special and on that 5th tuesday i;’d write a “weekly for guys who like weekleez” where i write (make fun of) guy stuff like cars, guns, boobs, sears etc. (2 weekleez in a row i said “boobs”!) i kid, i would never do a weekly on boobs.

anyway laura thought that that would be a great idea and seemed to really like the thought of a theme every now and then and i must say that i like the idea if only to give me a little more structure at times. but also i think she might have liked the idea just so i would have to write another weekly.

so this week, instead of getting to read a nearly well-thought out, slightly themed weekly, you get another random, rambly one about stupid things that fortunately have nothing to do with my ears, rashes, or doctors feeling me up. what can i say? it was a relatively painless week.

we all know that i have poor taste in movies, right? well ok, that’s not entirely accurate, let me start over.
we all know i hate movies, right?

i’ve become a crotchety old woman in my young age that can’t stand movies. i think it has something to do with the idiots who make the movies not being ablt to tell a story in less than 2 hours. that just irks me to no end. i mean, occasionally they slip up and make a good one, minority report for instance.

WARNING: this weekly contains spoiler for the lame-set horror, and by horror i mean horrible, flick of the year kate & leopold. so if you haven’t seen that movie (don’t) and don’t want to know how it ends with him getting hit by a streetcar. then don’t read this. also, it does not end with him getting hit by a streetcar, but i wish that it had because at least it would have been a satisfying ending.

so anyway laura was watching kate & leopold the other day because she’ll watch anything once (and blade runner twice) and jimmy, liz and i walked in from swimming or something and took one look at what was on the screen and asked, “is it any good?” and laura went into a tirade about how stupid it was and so we all sat down to watch the rest of it. and after 15 minutes of watching i excused myself to go slit my wrists and sit in a bathtub and by that time laura shouted, “they have no chemistry! he would never fall in love with her! she’s a bitch!” and liz said something to the effect that no one in the movie seems to really like each other and how did he end up in the future which is actually our present and out of his present which is of course our past? laura did not answer but jimmy then voiced his problem with the movie by asking, “so when is wolverine gonna start kicking some ass?” and that’s when i told them that i would be in the bathroom with the razor blades.

then the movie ended and i sort of shouted at the screen because at the end of this eternally stupid waste of film kate (the girl) goes back in time to be with leoplod (the boy) (and yes i do mean leoplod). well that’s it. i quit movies. i woke up from my drooloing stupor to scream, “what dumbass guy wrote this piece of garballyhargbarg? that’s not how it works, ever! don’t they know?!” and jimmy said, “know what?” and i said, “the girl never goes back in time.” and jimmy looked at me like i was crazy and so i said, “laura, does the girl ever go back in time?” and laura agreed that nay, the girl never ever ever never goes back in time. and jimmy thought we were quite insane and wanted to know why the girl never goes back in time and we proceeded to tell him. liz said that she had never thought of it before. but i think after hearing our supreme knowlege on why the girl never goes back in time she agreed that, well, to be quite redundant, the girl never goes back in time.

and to all of you movie writers out there:
ten (9) reasons the girl never goes back in time.

10. the most obvious reason, childbirth and other girl stuff. i wouldn’t have wanted to be pregnant in the ’60s much less the 1860s. i mean, when the only pain relief is biting down on a stick, well, i’d rather open a sack full of dead cat in a restaurant.

9. no showers, shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, spray, mousse, dental care, hygiene of any kind etc.

8. clothes. if you’re rich it’s big poofy dresses all the time. if you’re poor it’s rags. dirty rags. no jeans.

7. plagues and smelly feet.

6. no plumbing no shaving legs no #6.

5. you know more then the doctors of that time therefore you are a witch and will be burned.

4. let’s say you go back in time, and you know things that the people of that tiem don’t know, and you try to warn them of those things… no one will listen to you because you are a girl. and when those things happen the will find you and burn you for being a witch.

3. no vote. no rights.

2. you won’t know how to dance those fancy dances. plus the music for those dances are like, the same song over and over (like the goo goo dolls) and since you can’t dance they will assume that something is wrong with your upbringing and they will assume that your mother was a witch and that makes you the offspring of a witch and since they shoud’ve killed you when you were a wee babe they will surely want to kill you now since you are of course, a witch.

1. you will end up barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and you won’t have a clue as to how to cook anything because there are no GE appliances, the water is outside, and all of a sudden you have to pluck the chicken and skin the meat and you’ve never seen emeril do that, and you’ll get in trouble and probably beaten for being a bad wife, and when you fight back because of that self-defense class you took before you were an idiot and went back in time and you kick that man’s ass you will then be captured for being strong-willed, and they will say you are a witch and they. will. burn. you.

and that is why the girl never goes back in time.

so take that kate&leo! ah, but what do you expect from the moron who brought us copland and oliver and company? i dunno, i guess i’d expect sly stallone and a bunch of singing cats. at least that plot would have been plausible.

if for some reason you find the overwhelming urge to watch kate & leopold i suggest you keep a claw hammer close by, just in case.

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