The One About “Non-profit” Organizations

Category: weekleez

The One About “Non-profit” Organizations
July 09, 2002

hi kids,
did we all have a good forth of the july? hmm?
i did, the only battle scar being the gallon of water that is now residing in my ear. it’s driving me bonkers. not only can i not hear anything out of my right ear but it also feels like there’s a pearl in it. or a golf ball. or a small volkswagon. driving me crazy.
it’s my phone ear y’know? so when i answer the phone i’m a moron and say, “hello? hello? anyone there? hello?” before switching to my good ear. moron. i know.
did i mention it’s driving me crazy? i’m sitting here in a quiet office (makes no sense to turn any music on, i can’t hear it anyway) and i can hear myself breathing in my head. it’s so annoying! i’ve got darth vader in my brain breathing. loud and hollow. darth. vader. hole.
i am three phone calls away from jamming an ink pen in my ear.

but enough about me, on to the weekly, which is of course, all about me.

one thing i really hate doing is work for non-profit organizations. doesn’t that make me sound like a heartless bitch? i know. you’re saying, “but jaimie! how can you feel that way? you must be a terrible person! heartless bitch!”

well, i may be heartless, but have you ever done anything for those groups? if so, then you pro’ly know what i mean and if not then you must be pretty lucky. you’ll get yours. probably in the form of jury duty. mwa-hahahahaha!

ok. there’s a local arts kinda place here in town and it’s actually a kinda cool place you know? so when they wanted us (sign shop) to do stuff for them i was kind of excited because i like that place and of course i would want to help them out. and they are non-profit and are working with a limited budget so can you help us out they ask. and all they wanted was some vinyl letters for a door. a very simple thing. of course we can help you out. we are the sign shop with the heart of gold. and we gave them a deal. such a deal i give these people. and i even went on my lunch break to install the letters. because i’m that nice.

so then they wanted more stuff. and they remind me that they are a non-profit orginization and working with a limited budget so what’s our price? remember: limited budget.yes, we’ll take it. can you be here tomorrow to install?
“tomorrow?! you’ll be lucky to get it next week.”
we need it tomorrow because our special artsy thingy is tomorrow night and we need it up by noon so that we can be as inconvenient to the sign shop as possible.
“ok, but next time give us more notice. we’re always a couple days behind.”
“sure!”

so then a couple weeks later they call wanting more stuff and remember: limited budget! and can you install it tomorrow? but the thing is they hadn’t yet paid for any of the other stuff we had done, even though we had given them a cheaper price and had installed it at their convenience. so my boss had to remind them that they owed us some moolah and fat chance of us installing anything until we had been paid for the other stuff first.
“oh! certainly! i’ll talk to the treasurer and the check will be in the mail today! i promise! and oh yeah, can you install it tomorrow?”
“i can install it tomorrow if you order it last tuesday.”
“what? i don’t need it tuesday. tomorrow is friday. i need it by noon.”
“yeah, i know. i’ll just skip lunch tomorrow so that i can be at your place to hang the banner that i’ll have to make on my lunch break today so that you can have your banner at a cheaper price because of your “limited budget” tomorrow.”
“great! we’ll see you tomorrow! remember: noon!”
like i could forget.

other than the total inconvenience factor i like doing work for this place. however, they have become one of those places that only pays their bill when they need something else and i gotta tell ya, i absolutely hate places like that. and i really do like this place. really. it’s just that they have no concept of time, other people’s time, or how to pay their bill on time. i guess what i really hate is being treated like a schmuck. like i’m not going to notice that they have an outstanding bill of $200? and they want to order $150 more and they want it installed tomorrow?
it gets kinda old.

oy, and then the boy scouts called. they needed some signs for their annual jubilee or rally or whatever and of course they’re all, “hi. the boy scouts need some signs, but we have a limited budget, is there anyway we could get the signs for free or at a discounted price?” oh sure. why not? it’s the boy scouts. they tie knots and help old ladies cross the street why not throw a coupla signs there way? the sign shop with the heart of gold.

and of course there’s the boys and girls club and that’s really the only charity that we like doing things for because they are so appreciative and they are so polite and just really great people. and i’d help them anytime. a little appreciation goes a long way, also, when they need banners and such they call a month ahead of time. because they understand the concept of time. they are good people.

and there’s about 95,000 churches that we make signs and banners for and of course they beg for a deal (and always get it because you know, you never know which of those churches god goes to and you don’t want to make him mad because he’s god and he knows all the prices) because you know, non-profit/limited budget and all that. although there are some churches around here who not only make a profit but have more money than god himself.

another local “charity” that i hate to get a phone call from is the local radio station. gads, is there nothing worse? not only do they always want something nearly impossible, like say for instance, life-size caricatures of their lame-ass dj’s but of course they are working with a “limited budget” and can we swap the work for advertising? and if not, can we swap the work for, oh i dunno, a couple of movie passes and some coupons for a free cheeseburger from sonic? oh and here’s a t-shirt with our logo all over it that we had made from a local print shop who traded us the shirts for free advertising, see their logo on the sleeve? we’ll swap you the banners and put your name on the sleeve too and here’s a free movie pass. can we have it tomorrow?
never, NEVER do work for a radio station. NEVER.
trust me on this. i would not lie to you. your life will be much happier if you NEVER do work for a radio station.

and another group that always wants something for nothing is the VFW and other veterans groups. and geezum pete, you gotta help out the veterans or else you’re a communist, y’know? and on a completely unrelated note (in the weekly? no way!) a trucker came in to the shop the other morning and proceeded to tell me (not that i asked) that the socialists in this country have ruined this country and are going to destroy it and that FDR started this country going downhill and that those liberal socialist environmentalists have ruined everything. this guy delivers steel and he’s giving me a lesson on his political theory of which i’m sure he thinks that i need and want to know. i mean, it’s not even 8:00 in the morning.
why is it that my mornings are filled with insane people?

so then last week this lady from the girl scouts comes in and of course they want something for nothing and they need it next week and so what kind of deal can we give them? so i ask them if the boy scouts had ratted us out and she freaks out and tells me that the boy scouts and the girl scouts are two totally different organizations that have nothing to do with each other and she really wishes that people would not associate the two as being part of the same oganization and can you believe that people think that all the time i mean, really. and she restates that the girl scouts have nothing to do with the boy scouts. so i ask her if the boys have cooties and she once again asks me what kind of deal we can give her because of her “limited budget” and all. so i give her a price and “oh that’s much too high, can you do any better?” and that really irritates me y’know? i mean, i try to give the girl scout lady a deal and she acts like i should give it to her for free because she’s with the girl scouts and how could i not give it to her for free when the girl scouts provide so much for society? then she insists on paying us in cookies. “ok, i’ll pay half that and the rest in cookies ok? what flavor do you want? i have peanut butter.”
ok fine lady, just leave before i throw my lunch at you.because of course, the lady comes in at lunch time to haggle.
the sign shop with a heart of gold. and a cold lunch. and a continuing distaste for non-profit orgs.

gads, and then the politicians come around begging for a deal and oh my gosh. some of the rudest people i have ever dealt with were people running for office. and that really surprised me y’know? ’cause let’s say for instance that you’re running for office, wouldn’t you be as nice to every little person you met? and let’s say your getting eleventeen hundred signs made from a sign shop in your disctrict, wouldn’t you assume (uh oh) that the little peon making your sign would also be a voter? and let’s just say, that as a political wind bag running for office, wouldn’t you want to be a nice person to the little voter in charge of making your signs? i mean, not overly nice or anything, just polite and respecful and not a total assjack.

you would be surprised at how rude some of these people are, or maybe you wouldn’t. i was. but that’s just me and my heart of gold being naive. and there was this old man that came in and he was actually really nice. and he told me that if he gets elected he’s going to make a difference. and i asked him if he wanted that on his signs and he said that no he just wanted me to know that he is an honest man and plans to bring honesty back to city politics andwould sure appreciate my vote. and i told him that he had a good speech there but that as i’m not in his disctrict it really didn’t matter ’cause i couldn’t vote for him and he went on to insist that he was an honset man and would he do the city some good and i said that i’m sure he would and told him the total price of his signs to which he asked that if he paid with cash would we not charge him sales tax?
i’m sure he’ll fit right in with the rest of the city’s politicians, don’t you?

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