The One About Wayne Newton

Category: weekleez

The One About Wayne Newton
June 25, 2002

hi kids, click me.

first of all i have a spy club name to dole out! woo hoo!
nathan “link master” mccurley recently gave me an evil rubber ducky, a plastic eel, a chinese paper fan with sumo wrestlers on it and a skeleton with a smiley face head. a menagerie of freakish things. i love them all of course, but the evil rubber ducky seems to be my favorite! nathan’s spy name is Professor Zim. he gets to be the computer geek and RPG specialist for the club. go nathan! it’s your birthday!
dan, you’ll get yours next week. calm down.

right. so the other day i was watchin’ the tube and i can’t remember if it was a show, movie, or commercial but that’s not important, what is important is that wayne newton was on the screen for like, 5 seconds or however long it was for me to find the remote and change the channel back to something more appropriate like cartoons, and i remember thinking something like, “wayne newton is so cheesy i just don’t understand hey! bugs bunny! yay!”

and then i thought wow, what is cheesy really? i mean, someone says, “that’s cheesy!” and i know what they mean but how do i know that? because really, cheese is this tasty thing that i put on snack crackers and if flabisco would toss some moolah my way i’d write The One About Snack Crackers but alas i have no corporate sponsors at the moment. but really, that’s not important, what is important is that when something is said to be cheesy it is generally understood to mean that said thing is uncool, lame, and perhaps in some situations, a bit mawkish.
like wayne newton.

and while i was watching bugs bunny “cut” elmer fudd’s “hair” i thought about if i were wayne newton it might make me sad to know that some people think that i, wayne newton, a cultural icon, am cheesy. and as weird as it may seem wayne newton is a cultural icon. well he is!

however, wayne newton’s cultural icon-ness is not what’s important, what is important is that let’s say that i’m wayne newton, which i’m not, but this is strictly hypothetical so let’s say i am wayne newton and i (wayne newton) am surfing the internet and i come across some moron’s website and this moron has written a whole article about how i, wayne newton, am cheesy and totally not worth watching as long as there are bugs bunny cartoons on.

ok, now let’s assume (uh oh) that i, wayne newton, am semi-intelligent. i’m probably not going to give a rat’s about what some moron has to say about me (wayne) because i, (that’s mr. newton to you) am very rich and famous and the moron (which is also me. not the wayne newton me but the sarcastic pickle me) is a lowly sign maker in the grand state of alabama.

but that’s not what’s important.
the important thing is that while i was pretending to be wayne newton finding out that people think i’m cheesy, i kinda felt mad that someone would look at me and see cheese. i mean, i have a whole body of work that speaks for me! i’m an entertainer! i am easily recognized nationwide! i’m wayne freakin’ newton! i play a small and dying role of stage entertainer in the ever-changing world of mediocre entertainment!
!!!!!

are you guys seeing the importance of all this? there is a moral here and it has nothing and everything to do with wayne newton. are you willing to put on the shoes of the person or stage entertainer, let’s say for instance…wayne newton, who you think is cheesy? will you walk a mile in his busta browns? can you dish out the cheese and then take it? to las vegas?
can you?!

because i don’t think you can! wayne newton is not a cheese muffin because a poll taken at a local university or junior college says he is. nay! and wayne newton, as a cultural bloody icon, is not a complete cheese bum with extra cheese and a side order of cheese because he’s an aging stage personality whose voice never changed during puberty. nay nay my good friends!

and wayne newton is not cheesier than velveeta with a cheese whiz and e z cheese cocktail because he is reduced to emceeing “hip” events like Divas Las Vegas and his false teeth are brighter than the shine on his tan-in-a-can forehead, or that we’re all supposed to believe that he still has a full head of black hair. no no no! i am telling you, wayne newton is not cheesy! at all! and i should know, because i am wayne newton!

well, i mean, i’m not really wayne newton. but a couple of paragraphs ago i got to role play as wayne and decided to follow it all the way through so that at least he would have a fighting chance in the weekly. of course, it’s really hard to be both me and wayne newton at the same time so i’m sorry if there was any confusion and also i’m not really sure who won in the end, me or wayne, it’s kinda hard to tell. but of course, that’s not important, what is important is that i think that when i watch TV it’s probably tons different than when you watch TV.
and that’s ok by me, wayne newton.

*gasp* am i wayne newton?! are you wayne newton?! i don’t know! i don’t know!
ten (9) ways to tell that i’m not wayne newton:
10. i’m a chick.
9. i don’t look good in a tux.
8. i’ve never been to las vegas.
7. i can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
6. there is no #6.
5. i’ve never been in an episode of Bonanza
4. i’m not a cultural icon.
3. i’ve never been in 5 different movies where i played myself as a character.
2. i’ve never met siegfried or roy. i don’t even know which one is the blonde and which one is the tiger.
1. i don’t know any of the words to danke schoen or red roses for a blue lady.

wayne “jaimie pickle” newton

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